Author: xen6

“Anyway. You do make me feel happy and safe. You’re smart as hell and funny too. I want to do puzzles and talk about cats and go to Costco and live life with you. I’m not afraid of anything but I want to make sure it’s right.”

you know what? i hate this word.

i think mostly because it’s so vague, so bland, so non-descript, so open ended that it provides zero clarity and only insecurity.

it’s a convenient way of telling someone you don’t want to talk or interact with them by leveraging their feelings for you against them and doesn’t require you to offer any explanation whatsoever, you need space to figure that out, right?

it really doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of that and yet somehow feels incredibly relieving to be on the giving end of that and have it accepted without being challenged too much.

what a selfish construct of interpersonal relationships. i hate it so much.

and so what does one do to fix this? i suppose if you’re the one saying you need space, the kind thing to do is to clarify it as much as possible. why do you need space? what is causing you the need to retreat? how is the space going to help you? how much space do you need? for how long? what are the rules of engagement around this space?

and if you are on the receiving end what do you do? ask these same questions? that doesn’t work unless the requester is in the same mindset, if anything it is completely counter productive to what they are asking for.

“i need to talk to you less”

“okay talk to me more to explain why you need to talk to me less”

eugh… i don’t know. i don’t have any great revelations or insights here. i just hate this word, this concept, this feeling. on both sides of the fence.

the first thoughts when i get up, the last thoughts when i lay down. it’s you. it shouldn’t be you. but it’s you. it’s always you.

today i told myself i wouldn’t do that. i told myself today i would be focusing on other things. i told myself that today was going to be good, and filled with things i need to do, things which make me feel like i am getting somewhere, things which make me feel happy, things which make me feel fulfilled. things that make me feel accomplished. basically anything but things which are you.

but there is only you. i’m afraid that there will only be you for a very long time.

“you’re only allowed 3 great ones in your lifetime, they come along like the great fighters, once every 10 years…”

k, k, a

hey. i don’t know how to do this. i am kind of freaking out here. you said and did a couple of things recently which made me think this was coming, but none of that actually prepared me for anything it seems. and now that you’ve walked away i am lost. completely and utterly broken.

i know i didn’t put up a fight this time, i just let you go. i can’t fight you. i can’t argue with you. you say you are unhappy and that you need to go away, presumably to fix that and that it was not for me to fix. what am i supposed to say to that?

i can only assume that your unhappiness is in part because of me, or that the key to your happiness is somehow blocked by my presence in your life.

that cuts me so fucking deep i can’t even put it into words. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? all i have ever wanted from the very first day we met, was to learn more about you and to bring some kind of enrichment to your life. i’ve wanted to be part of your life and you to be part of mine in so many ways, in every way, in all the ways. so, the fact that you need to cut me out to be happy is just… i can’t.

and the no response after, no goodbye, no nothing. i don’t think you could have orchestrated a more magnificent coup de grace if you even tried.

you know i love you, right? like… i’m actually in love with you. i know i have not said those words, what credibility would i have saying them even? i’m a fool. i’m an idiot. i’m a disaster. i am a giant bag of red flags. i have no god damn idea what i am doing. but i do know for certain how i feel about you. i love you.

too little, too late. i get it.

i really, really hope you can find the happiness you are looking for. there is literally not another person on the face of the planet who deserves that more that you.

goodbye my petite laitue.