Author: xen6

this wall hurts me.

so cleverly crafted, made to be ultimately defensible in so many ways. it’s pretty, it’s logical, its manufacture was clearly communicated, the specifications were submitted and not contested. yet… it bothers me, but the time for protest, i fear, has passed.

you retreat behind it more regularly now. i have no knowledge of what occurs beyond that delimiter. it is impenetrable to all senses. i only have knowledge of what you explicitly tell me, which is not very much. and even the bits you do tell me are vague and intentionally nondescript.

i have no such defenses. nor do i want to build any. it’s fundamentally incompatible with who i am and what i want. in the past, every time i have tried to do so, it resulted either in an arms race, or complete isolation despite having intimate proximity. any permutation of those outcomes are not anything i want to have anything to do with. however the outcome which leaves you behind an impenetrable fortress and me out in the open, is also undesirable.

can you let me in? can you build a doorway just for me? you can guard it, you can leave it locked when not in use, you can hide it and keep it a secret that only i know. but can you make that happen? i can’t bear being like this for much longer.

you’ve said this on more than one occasion, you + me vs the problem is non-negotiable. does this only apply in one direction? or perhaps you + me is not a valid equation any more? i don’t really know where i stand. i can only guess.

the thought crosses my mind regularly, should i just stop trying? you’ve explicitly asked me not to do that, but what am i supposed to do when i am given so little information to work with. talking to myself is what i do here, it’s not what i want to do with you. i want to talk to you and i want you to talk to me. i want you to want to talk to me, actually.

this wall hurts me.

dear j

i figured something was up yesterday when you never sent me pictures of the cookies you were baking once they were done. you were so excited about them when you sent me that first picture. i resisted the urge to poke fun, those candy cane shaped ones looked especially… suspect. in any case, when all i got was radio silence after asking you for pictures of the finished product and sharing in the christmas cheer, i just assumed you had gotten into a fight with him. or maybe a kid got sick or something like that. something frustrating, or annoying. something mundane.

never in a million years would i have been able to foresee receiving that message from you at 4am this morning.

how monumentally unfair. holy fucking shit. my heart literally stopped beating for a moment as i read your words – “My husband passed away.”

we barely knew each other, i mean, we only actually met a month ago, but you were going through almost the same things as i was, and still am, and we shared so many parallel feelings. it was so comforting, so helpful, so cathartic to be able to talk to someone else about all of this who was feeling the same things and going through the same experiences. it was so relieving hearing about someone else’s struggles which so closely mirrored my own, making my own personal brand of fucked up seem just a little more ‘normal’. that’s the fucked up thing about separating from someone you’ve been with for so long and have so much history with, especially when there are kids involved… unless they’ve been through it, no one really understands. friends get real tired of hearing about it, real fast. it’s even worse when the reasons for your separation are related to your own unhappiness and your own struggles with limerent feelings. that on it’s own is met with so much judgment that it’s pretty much guaranteed to be something you have to work out on your own and never talk to anyone about.

despite the fact that we only just met, we certainly had a connection, that commonality, that separate yet still shared experience. i appreciated talking to you so much, and i know you felt the same way. but i fear our paths have now very much diverged.

i will try my best, but i really don’t know how to help you here. i don’t know what to say to offer you any kind of comfort. i don’t know how to react when you tell me what you are feeling now. what has happened to you is my worst nightmare. i am still completely shaken by this, and i can’t even begin to imagine how you actually feel. when you told me his last words to you, when you told me what he told to your daughters… i don’t even know what to say. that is beyond brutal. that is beyond what anyone should ever have to bear.

i can tell you over and over it was not your fault. all of your friends and family can tell you it was not your fault. but i know that you will always believe it was your fault and that there is nothing in this world that can change your mind. i know what you are thinking. i know how you think. we’re too similar like that and i know how i would feel.

i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve this. your two little ones didn’t deserve this. what a fucking tragedy in its purest form.

try to hold on, ok? i know your journey will likely never get the happy ending you were so desperately hoping for, and that breaks my heart so fucking much. but your girls need you more than ever now, they are still young, they still have a chance. help them see that, ok?

please take care of yourself as best as you can. remember to eat. remember to sleep. be kind to yourself.

gentle reminders

it’s funny how earlier this morning i thought about how k’s behavior lately was only temporary… and then this afternoon the hidden truth peeked through once more.

comments were made to the kids about things they have zero control or influence over, things they have no business caring or even knowing about, things which don’t really even concern them, at a volume explicitly sufficient to reach the ears of a certain someone in the other room, who is clearly the one who she wanted to make those passive aggressive comments to. thanks, message received loud and clear.

to her credit, she did somewhat apologize several hours later, but the emotional damage was already done. there is no undoing it now, especially not with a sorry. and double that when it is an “i’m sorry, but…”

i’m thankful for not having taken the bait.

i’m sorry z and l you have to be subjected to that. that is not fair. you won’t get that from me, i promise.

trouble sleeping

the past few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. lots of heavy thoughts and feelings. lots of self reflection and analysis. lots of coping and reasoning. lots of self loathing and hatred. lots of hope and excitement. lots of guilt and fear. lots of relief and release. suffice it to say, my head has been all over the place and back again.

i think the things which are affecting me most right now though are more centered around fear and uncertainty and i think that might be what is affecting my sleep. i find myself going down some deep rabbit holes questioning whether this is all a mistake and that there actually are no greener pastures to explore. k is not helping things at all. ever since this started she has changed her tune and has been on her best behavior. i know it will not last and it is just a reaction to the hurt i inflicted on her with this, but it does fog everything slightly. it makes me think that perhaps things can change, perhaps this is redeemable, perhaps all the unhappiness previously experienced was just a precursor to a happier time… this is delusion though. this is what i have been telling myself for years. this is how i got stuck so deep in the rut to begin with.

i have been making lists. lists of things which broke my heart. lists of things which i will not miss. lists of things which undermine or belittle me. lists of things which i do not like or actively hate. i have to keep reviewing and reaffirming those lists to keep myself on track. is that crazy person behavior? it that awful of me?

i guess on the flip side i also keep repeating over and over my number one priority. this needs to end amicably for the kids and for her. i can keep eating some shit for a while to make sure that happens. she is no longer my life partner, i do not owe her an explanation, nor can i expect or even ask for her to carry some of this burden. this is what i want, and the only person i can trust to make sure that it happens is myself. so i must do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

i’ve been reading a lot on reddit about divorce, different people’s stories and the outcomes of each. there seems to be a lot of common themes and roles, and also a lot of common lies people tell to themselves and to those around them. there is always the victim and the perpetrator and when someone falls deep enough into one of these roles, they seem to lose sight of everything else.

some of those stories are scary, i see myself in their shoes and then i see some of the reactions from other people and it makes me sick to my stomach. people can be so kind and supportive, but they can also be so fucking ruthless it’s doubtful they are even human. so many people speak from their own experience stating things which ultimately are just beliefs they formed to help them cope as fact and it is upsetting to me, because i fall for it. but i need to remember, no one knows my story except for me. so despite similarities, these are not my stories.

living lies

the more people i talk to about the impending dissolution of my marriage, the more i find that i really am not alone in this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. the more i find there are other guys in the same, or at least very similar situations. married, but to a roommate, to a business partner, to a colleague… not married to a lover, to a best friend, to a confidante or to an actual life partner.

is this just the inevitable place people end up in, or is it the product of poor communication over years? is it blindness to problems in the early days, or is it just normal personal growth and change? how do successful long term relationships work? is it just luck? is it hard work? is it fundamental compatibility at a deeper level?

i told my brother about what’s going on last night. i think it shook him. and then in an attempt to make me feel better he told me about his current situation… which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, because i don’t want that for him. he seems to be feeling just as alone, and has been leaning on alcohol to get him through most nights. i want to help him, but i don’t know that i can right now.

i also told 2 of the guys who work directly for me, mostly because i had to explain my absence to them. one of the guys already saw it coming, we talked a bit about it in september, but before there was this finality present. the other one though… fuck. he already has a very real social behavior issue of not being able to shut the fuck up, and now that he knows this about me, he has not been able to shut up. he is trying to offer sympathy, offer advice, offer friendship, offer distraction… don’t get me wrong, his intentions are appreciated, but it is way too fucking much and is only raising my stress level. he came with me in the car on the ride to the restaurant last night and i swear to god, that was the most infuriating 45 minutes i have spent in a long time. i bit my tongue so damn hard the whole time, just trying to remind myself his intentions are good.

it’s just a matter of time now before the rumor mill starts at work. several people asked me if i was ok last night because of my recent weight loss. certain people made a really big deal about it, which honestly, i didn’t really want, but what am i going to do, give someone shit for trying to compliment me? anyhow, i expect next week will have a few new people reaching out to me asking if i’m ok and making puppy dog eyes.