Category: <3

space

you know what? i hate this word.

i think mostly because it’s so vague, so bland, so non-descript, so open ended that it provides zero clarity and only insecurity.

it’s a convenient way of telling someone you don’t want to talk or interact with them by leveraging their feelings for you against them and doesn’t require you to offer any explanation whatsoever, you need space to figure that out, right?

it really doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of that and yet somehow feels incredibly relieving to be on the giving end of that and have it accepted without being challenged too much.

what a selfish construct of interpersonal relationships. i hate it so much.

and so what does one do to fix this? i suppose if you’re the one saying you need space, the kind thing to do is to clarify it as much as possible. why do you need space? what is causing you the need to retreat? how is the space going to help you? how much space do you need? for how long? what are the rules of engagement around this space?

and if you are on the receiving end what do you do? ask these same questions? that doesn’t work unless the requester is in the same mindset, if anything it is completely counter productive to what they are asking for.

“i need to talk to you less”

“okay talk to me more to explain why you need to talk to me less”

eugh… i don’t know. i don’t have any great revelations or insights here. i just hate this word, this concept, this feeling. on both sides of the fence.

what’s wrong with me

the first thoughts when i get up, the last thoughts when i lay down. it’s you. it shouldn’t be you. but it’s you. it’s always you.

today i told myself i wouldn’t do that. i told myself today i would be focusing on other things. i told myself that today was going to be good, and filled with things i need to do, things which make me feel like i am getting somewhere, things which make me feel happy, things which make me feel fulfilled. things that make me feel accomplished. basically anything but things which are you.

but there is only you. i’m afraid that there will only be you for a very long time.

“you’re only allowed 3 great ones in your lifetime, they come along like the great fighters, once every 10 years…”

k, k, a

a

hey. i don’t know how to do this. i am kind of freaking out here. you said and did a couple of things recently which made me think this was coming, but none of that actually prepared me for anything it seems. and now that you’ve walked away i am lost. completely and utterly broken.

i know i didn’t put up a fight this time, i just let you go. i can’t fight you. i can’t argue with you. you say you are unhappy and that you need to go away, presumably to fix that and that it was not for me to fix. what am i supposed to say to that?

i can only assume that your unhappiness is in part because of me, or that the key to your happiness is somehow blocked by my presence in your life.

that cuts me so fucking deep i can’t even put it into words. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? all i have ever wanted from the very first day we met, was to learn more about you and to bring some kind of enrichment to your life. i’ve wanted to be part of your life and you to be part of mine in so many ways, in every way, in all the ways. so, the fact that you need to cut me out to be happy is just… i can’t.

and the no response after, no goodbye, no nothing. i don’t think you could have orchestrated a more magnificent coup de grace if you even tried.

you know i love you, right? like… i’m actually in love with you. i know i have not said those words, what credibility would i have saying them even? i’m a fool. i’m an idiot. i’m a disaster. i am a giant bag of red flags. i have no god damn idea what i am doing. but i do know for certain how i feel about you. i love you.

too little, too late. i get it.

i really, really hope you can find the happiness you are looking for. there is literally not another person on the face of the planet who deserves that more that you.

goodbye my petite laitue.

adrift

where to begin…
what even matters at this point?

the days blur,
or is it weeks?
time drifts like fog on the water,
soft at the edges, dissolving as i reach for it.

i need something solid, something ahead—
a goal, a place, a reason to move.
but more than that, i need a tether.

not an anchor, not a chain,
just a line—something to hold,
something that can tug when i forget which way is forward,
something i can pull when i need to feel close to something real.

but the last of my tethers have frayed,
unraveled into the cold, dark current.
i reach, i pull—only to find slack,
the rope trailing loose in the vast, empty water.

i am adrift.

soy un perdador

the last time i wrote anything was almost 2 weeks ago. i feel the effects of that, it is palpable in my mood, in my thought process in my emotional regulation, in my routine, in everything.

i have to commit to daily writing again. even if i have nothing to say. i need to do it for my own well being before i deteriorate further.

a lot has happened in these last 2 weeks. a lot of things which have really twisted and bent my soul into new and uncomfortable shapes. it’s hard to focus on the things which are going right currently because of that, there is so much negativity, it is overwhelming.

k has moved out, that happened on feb 14, of all days. i am bitter about that. additionally, there was no plan for anyone else to help, so i was the singular source of muscle in this operation. the day left me broken physically, mentally and emotionally.

the following day i started rebuilding my environment, first things first, couch delivery and assembly. i was hoping for some kind of help, some kind of moral support, some kind of emotional companionship in this. i had mentioned that to a, but instead of getting anything of the sort, i was left on read all day only be to prompted with a “how was your day?” in the evening. perhaps it was not fair for me to expect anything more, but i did anyways and i was left even more broken than the day before.

k, on her end, was not fairing much better. although she did have c and k, j and n all come to her side and help her, it was not enough to compensate for the overwhelming disaster which was to ensue. it started with a leaky bathtub (which i fixed for her) and continued with a leaky bathroom window followed by a leaky kitchen window which then lead to a leaky basement with water under the floor and culminated with a leaky ceiling in an upstairs bedroom. all within 72 hours. suffice it to say, this is what they would call a “vis cache” here in quebec, or a hidden defect the sellers tried to sneak past everyone… regardless of that though, after calling the insurance and having disaster crews come by, she is left with a half torn apart house, drywall and flooring ripped up, fans, dehumidifiers, mold inhibitor chemicals… all things which make living in that home a challenge. returning it to a livable state will cost tens of thousands which her insurance is likely to deny her, and will require her to hire a lawyer to go after the seller for. in the meantime… she can’t have the kids of cats at her place.

and of course, as you may have been able to guess, this was indirectly blamed on me. “i only bought this house because it was available and knew you wanted me out of your hair as soon as possible” is a statement that when said to me fucking stabbed me right through my heart. the guilt, the shame, the regret, everything that washed over me in that moment was, and continues to be unbearable. but bear it i must.

adjacent to all of this, last night i had a long talk with a about things. it’s nothing good at this point. seems like i bring undesirable feelings there too.

everywhere i turn lately, i am a disappointment, i am a loser, i am a problem, i am a burden. it’s funny how sometimes when you feel like you have hit the bottom and will start inevitably rising back up, you then discover there are even further depths to which you can sink.

home stretch

last night you said something to me and it really upset me. not because what you said was mean or anything like that, but because of how you see things.

i was making myself some tea and you said you’re seeing things in me you never thought you would ever see. you said i remind you of you when you are trying to be healthy.

ok first thing…. how do i even put this in to words? what exactly do you mean by that? did you never think i could possibly want to make my own personal existence better? i mean, i know i put myself on the side for a very long time and only focused on everyone around me, but still… that’s kind of hurtful, no? to say you never thought you would see me give a shit about myself? the assumption that i would forever disregard myself? maybe i am reading too much into this.

secondly though, i remind you of you? what… the… fuck… i’m sorry, but i do not see the comparison, and frankly, i am a little offended.

i’m happy i didn’t say anything and just let this slide though. i can’t permit an argument now… it’s almost time.

today you will sign the papers which signify the start of your independence. i know this will be difficult for you. i’d like to say i wish i could be there for you, but i don’t think i do. not out of malice mind you, but out of a weird twisted kindness of sorts. this is something you need to do without me. if i am there to support you though this, it will be impossible for you to gain the independence you require. you will continue to use me as a crutch, further eroding any goodness left inside of me.

i don’t want you to be sad, i don’t want you to be angry, i don’t want you to scream and cry and yell and punch a hole through the wall, but i know you will, and i think you need to do that to be able to process everything.

it’s going to be ok.

m,n,a

will you miss me? will you even really notice? you were never “mine” but i think sometimes you liked me best, right? once in a while, i was your choice? i know it wasn’t often, but i like to think that i was, at least sometimes.

i was never the food giver, but i was always there for head scritches, tummy rubs, butt pats, so much petting and chin rubs. all i ever wanted from you was to let me love you.

m, i’ll miss your hard leans and incessant drooling. i hope you feel safe in your new home and don’t always feel scared. i know exactly when that changed in you, when you became a scaredy cat, and i wish i could go back in time to prevent it, but that’s not how these things work. keep making those pathetic little meeps of yours, everyone laughs, but also everyone is so charmed by them too.

n, you fat fuck. i think i will miss you the most. you absolutely chose us that day when you and your siblings found your way into my back yard. the rest scattered into the field, but you walked right up to our back door with your little rat face and decided we were your people. i will miss our conversations, i will miss forcing you to snuggle under the covers, i will miss the way you grab on to my shoulder when i pick you up. you’re a good boy.

a, you’re new, you were supposed to be mine, but i knew you would not be from the start. that’s just what i was told in order for me to accept you into this home. but still, you managed to charm the heck out of me and i wish we could continue to get to know each other more. sadly, that will not happen now. keep being a menace. keep forcing the two boys to move around and be active, they’re both too fat and lazy. keep being adorable and curious and full of the loudest purrs.

in a week from now we will say goodbye. i’m sorry if i make it quick, i’m not sure i can handle a long goodbye, i can barely handle writing this note.

:(

hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.

you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.

you need to be ok with not being ok.