Category: :(

i figured something was up yesterday when you never sent me pictures of the cookies you were baking once they were done. you were so excited about them when you sent me that first picture. i resisted the urge to poke fun, those candy cane shaped ones looked especially… suspect. in any case, when all i got was radio silence after asking you for pictures of the finished product and sharing in the christmas cheer, i just assumed you had gotten into a fight with him. or maybe a kid got sick or something like that. something frustrating, or annoying. something mundane.

never in a million years would i have been able to foresee receiving that message from you at 4am this morning.

how monumentally unfair. holy fucking shit. my heart literally stopped beating for a moment as i read your words – “My husband passed away.”

we barely knew each other, i mean, we only actually met a month ago, but you were going through almost the same things as i was, and still am, and we shared so many parallel feelings. it was so comforting, so helpful, so cathartic to be able to talk to someone else about all of this who was feeling the same things and going through the same experiences. it was so relieving hearing about someone else’s struggles which so closely mirrored my own, making my own personal brand of fucked up seem just a little more ‘normal’. that’s the fucked up thing about separating from someone you’ve been with for so long and have so much history with, especially when there are kids involved… unless they’ve been through it, no one really understands. friends get real tired of hearing about it, real fast. it’s even worse when the reasons for your separation are related to your own unhappiness and your own struggles with limerent feelings. that on it’s own is met with so much judgment that it’s pretty much guaranteed to be something you have to work out on your own and never talk to anyone about.

despite the fact that we only just met, we certainly had a connection, that commonality, that separate yet still shared experience. i appreciated talking to you so much, and i know you felt the same way. but i fear our paths have now very much diverged.

i will try my best, but i really don’t know how to help you here. i don’t know what to say to offer you any kind of comfort. i don’t know how to react when you tell me what you are feeling now. what has happened to you is my worst nightmare. i am still completely shaken by this, and i can’t even begin to imagine how you actually feel. when you told me his last words to you, when you told me what he told to your daughters… i don’t even know what to say. that is beyond brutal. that is beyond what anyone should ever have to bear.

i can tell you over and over it was not your fault. all of your friends and family can tell you it was not your fault. but i know that you will always believe it was your fault and that there is nothing in this world that can change your mind. i know what you are thinking. i know how you think. we’re too similar like that and i know how i would feel.

i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve this. your two little ones didn’t deserve this. what a fucking tragedy in its purest form.

try to hold on, ok? i know your journey will likely never get the happy ending you were so desperately hoping for, and that breaks my heart so fucking much. but your girls need you more than ever now, they are still young, they still have a chance. help them see that, ok?

please take care of yourself as best as you can. remember to eat. remember to sleep. be kind to yourself.

it’s funny how earlier this morning i thought about how k’s behavior lately was only temporary… and then this afternoon the hidden truth peeked through once more.

comments were made to the kids about things they have zero control or influence over, things they have no business caring or even knowing about, things which don’t really even concern them, at a volume explicitly sufficient to reach the ears of a certain someone in the other room, who is clearly the one who she wanted to make those passive aggressive comments to. thanks, message received loud and clear.

to her credit, she did somewhat apologize several hours later, but the emotional damage was already done. there is no undoing it now, especially not with a sorry. and double that when it is an “i’m sorry, but…”

i’m thankful for not having taken the bait.

i’m sorry z and l you have to be subjected to that. that is not fair. you won’t get that from me, i promise.

the past few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. lots of heavy thoughts and feelings. lots of self reflection and analysis. lots of coping and reasoning. lots of self loathing and hatred. lots of hope and excitement. lots of guilt and fear. lots of relief and release. suffice it to say, my head has been all over the place and back again.

i think the things which are affecting me most right now though are more centered around fear and uncertainty and i think that might be what is affecting my sleep. i find myself going down some deep rabbit holes questioning whether this is all a mistake and that there actually are no greener pastures to explore. k is not helping things at all. ever since this started she has changed her tune and has been on her best behavior. i know it will not last and it is just a reaction to the hurt i inflicted on her with this, but it does fog everything slightly. it makes me think that perhaps things can change, perhaps this is redeemable, perhaps all the unhappiness previously experienced was just a precursor to a happier time… this is delusion though. this is what i have been telling myself for years. this is how i got stuck so deep in the rut to begin with.

i have been making lists. lists of things which broke my heart. lists of things which i will not miss. lists of things which undermine or belittle me. lists of things which i do not like or actively hate. i have to keep reviewing and reaffirming those lists to keep myself on track. is that crazy person behavior? it that awful of me?

i guess on the flip side i also keep repeating over and over my number one priority. this needs to end amicably for the kids and for her. i can keep eating some shit for a while to make sure that happens. she is no longer my life partner, i do not owe her an explanation, nor can i expect or even ask for her to carry some of this burden. this is what i want, and the only person i can trust to make sure that it happens is myself. so i must do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

i’ve been reading a lot on reddit about divorce, different people’s stories and the outcomes of each. there seems to be a lot of common themes and roles, and also a lot of common lies people tell to themselves and to those around them. there is always the victim and the perpetrator and when someone falls deep enough into one of these roles, they seem to lose sight of everything else.

some of those stories are scary, i see myself in their shoes and then i see some of the reactions from other people and it makes me sick to my stomach. people can be so kind and supportive, but they can also be so fucking ruthless it’s doubtful they are even human. so many people speak from their own experience stating things which ultimately are just beliefs they formed to help them cope as fact and it is upsetting to me, because i fall for it. but i need to remember, no one knows my story except for me. so despite similarities, these are not my stories.

thing 1

every year on christmas eve, we all gather at my parents house to celebrate. it has been this way for decades. it is the tradition.

my sister lives about 7-8 hours away and has come down with her kids and boyfriend in tow every single year without fail. we only really get to see each other about twice per year, so this is always a very special and welcome visit.

unfortunately, this year in particular, my sister’s boyfriend has decided that christmas eve will be spent with HIS family instead and that they will not be coming to see the rest of us like usual. apparently he is being completely adamant, and allegedly unpleasant about it. this has sent my sister into near hysteria.

so, yesterday morning my brother and i got a text from mom saying that christmas eve will need to be postponed a week until new years day in order to accommodate my sister. my brother replied immediately saying that was fine with him, but i chose not to reply just then, because for me, this really is not ok and i wanted to think on it a bit first.

lets do some math. if we go through with this, then my sister will be upset anyways because she is not spending christmas eve with her family, and everyone here will be upset as well as we will all be effectively forbidden from seeing each other on christmas. disaster all around. alternately, if we decide to have christmas without her, then my sister will be upset, and the rest of us will of course miss her, but we’ll still have our christmas and the kids will all be happy. which is worse? it seems pretty obvious.

after calling my mom last night and explaining this to her, she agreed. my dad, of course, in the background commented angrily that this is the same thing he was trying to explain to her as well. so after we got off the phone, she called my sister to sort things out. i’m not sure how that went, but in the end my mom sent another text saying christmas would be on the 24th like usual.

thing 2

k has been very stubborn about her budget. she is doing some unrealistic calculations and estimates and the end result is she doesn’t believe she can afford anything other than a literal hovel. i have tried to show her more realistic numbers. two banks have given her numbers on what kind of mortgage she could afford, and yet she has remained solidly fixed on her estimates.

she’s gone to see several houses now which fit in this price bracket and they are all… less than pleasant? like they need work, they need renovations. and then they could be very nice, but they are not move in ready.

i have tried a few times now to show her listings that are a little more expensive, but still VERY affordable, that have already been renovated. homes which are move in ready. and she has snubbed her nose up at each and every one of them saying “too expensive, i’m not even going to look”.

well, last night after visiting 2 houses in her price bracket, and calculating some of the time and money needed to renovate them… she can back and admitted that i was probably right and that she was being unrealistic about her budget.

yet another reason why things are broken between us. how many times have i tried to tell her something only to be completely dismissed so she can go and figure it out on her own and ultimately realize i was right all along. how the heck is that a partnership? where is the trust? anyways… i’m happy that she has started to reconsider her budget considerations, this will open up several much better, less stressful opportunities for her.

i’m feeling kind of anxious today. not sure about what, but it doesn’t feel good. nothing bad has happened, there are no signs of anything bad about to happen, no one has said anything weird or suspicious, yet my spidey senses are on overdrive.

my legs are shaking a mile a minute, my concentration is completely shot, my stomach feels like it is turning over itself, what the hell is going on?

i need to calm myself down somehow, but i don’t really know what will work. for real, the only thing that comes to mind is eating cookies or something… which is strange as fuck, because i can’t even remember the last time i ate a cookie. so why am i craving cookies for comfort right now?

i’m racking my brain to try figure out where this feeling is coming from, but i’m coming up empty… and this focus, or whatever focus i can actually muster, is also making the feeling on anxiety even more intense. if anything, i should be hopeful, exited even… but not this, this feeling of impending doom right around the corner.

a little while ago i made a post on reddit talking about something i was struggling with that got a few responses. one in particular came in the form of a dm from someone who just wanted to wish me well. within one or two responses it was made clear that this person was also dealing with a very similar situation and also needed someone to talk to.

they said that they felt all of their friends and family were starting to get sick of hearing about the same thing over and over. which, at the time, i thought was silly. that’s what friends and family are for, right?

fast forward a few weeks and now i am starting to understand a little bit more about a lot of this.

first, nothing about this is fast. nothing about this is easy. nothing about this is simple. this is not a typical problem. this is an all encompassing and life changing event, but only for those directly involved. those not directly involved cannot even fathom the intricacies.

second, friends and families do care, but because they are incapable of understanding, it can be frustrating to hear what is exactly the same complaints to their ears, over and over. but it’s not the same complaints over and over though. there are subtle differences that are wildly important and, at least to the people directly involved, require detailed scrutiny, grief and even mourning.

third, flip flopping, circling, whatever you want to call it, happens almost constantly. and it’s not a simple orbit either. imagine a dozen or so orbits, all different from each other, and all interacting with each other as well. effectively a three body problem, but with emotions. it’s legitimately insane. from one day to the next, hell from one hour to the next, your entire outlook on life itself changes. and not a little bit, i’m talking dramatically changes. one moment you can be hopeful for the future and making all kinds of plans for things you want to do, or experience or whatever, and then literal moments later, you’re researching the laws regarding how long you need to wait between when you get a firearm license and when you can purchase one. it’s fucked.

so, all of this combined and the end result is an impossible strain on the personal relationships you have with other people, right in the middle of when you are straining, or realistically severing the most important relationship in your life up until then. makes for a bit of a feedback loop, doesn’t it?

today i feel like i have strained a few personal relationships to an unacceptable point. there’s a few people who i feel are getting sick of hearing from me about the same shit over and over. to my face they say they want to know, they want to help, they want to listen… and i don’t doubt their sincerity. but i don’t think they can even really understand any of this and it’s all just wearing everything a little too thin now.

although a lesson i have learned recently is to not internalize everything, i may have perhaps taken that a bit too far and need to reel things back in a bit. i need to keep some things to myself, inside. at least for a while.

sometimes the biggest difficulty i have when writing here is deciding on what i want to write about. at any given time i have like a thousand different competing ideas in my head and even though you might think that makes it easy to just write about anything, it actually makes it nearly impossible because as soon as i start writing about any one specific thing, there are 999 other ideas which are telling me “no… that’s not what you should be writing about, is it?”

and so i have about a million drafts here in wordpress, some of which are pages long, and others are just a word… and none of them will ever see the light of day because they’ve been internally veto’ed. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

even now, writing about this, this stupid thought about having stupid competing thoughts which stupidly prevent me from writing… how is this the winner? is this really what’s most important? i guess if i think about it, the reason why this is going to be written out and published is because it’s easy. it’s the writing equivalent of phoning it in. there’s no deep thought, there’s no vulnerable admission, there’s no controversial opinion or great revelation… it’s just fluff.

except admitting that i know this is bullshit, and still publishing it kind of makes it transcend from being pointless drivel to actually admitting something about myself in a way, doesn’t it?