Category: :(

overthinking is annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s even debilitating at times. it ruins things. it sucks the life out of simple pleasures. it’s an unnecessary distraction. no, it’s unnecessary, full stop. it sabotages. it’s contagious. it causes problems where there are none. it invents excuses and fosters procrastination. it’s bullshit.

and for what? to save my poor little heart from some imaginary injury that will likely never happen? to protect me from some unforeseen problem that i am already well equipped to face? to help me be prepared for a million possible outcomes which are impossible to predict with any kind of accuracy?

i don’t need, nor do i want this. so, shut up brain, you’re being a bit of a dick.

today will be spent cleaning up. i am already wrecked. i was up till 1:30 filling buckets of shit water and ferrying them out the front door. everything hurts.

that said, i got a text from t, he spend the night helping his inlaws who had a solid foot of water in their completely finished and pretty swanky basement. he sent me a couple pics… holy crap, heartbreaking.

y also texted last night, cancelling band today, he has 4 inches of water in his basement too.

so i guess in the end, it’s kind of a blessing that i caught the shower drain here as it happened. had i not spent last night filling buckets over and over for 4-5 hours, it could have been soooooo much worse.

it smells like shit down here.

• basement leak? check.
• second basement leak? check.
• third basement leak? check.
• FOURTH BASEMENT LEAK? check.
• RoOf LeAkInG?!?!?! check.

god dammit, just when things were looking up, this has to happen? honestly, i’m just waiting for the icing on the cake here… any moment now i’m sure fucking poo water is going to start backing up through the basement shower drain.

the basement leaks are nothing new, but it’s usually just a little puddle here and there. this time it’s almost a steady stream of water coming in from 4 different places at once. and of course my basement has that stupid industrial carpet that’s glued to the concrete. extra fun times!

the roof leaking is actually less worrisome… the way this house was made, there is a section of soffit that has another roof right below it and when the wind is blowing in a certain direction it ends up forcing the rain into that soffit. so, less of a leak, and more of a design flaw of the house itself. either way, it’s causing a mess.

this evening appears like it will be spent placing towels on the floor to sop up the water, then throwing them in the washer and dryer, grab new towels and then repeat the process until i fall asleep.

so you’re damn right i’m high right now.

edit: and i just spent the last several hours cleaning poo water backing up from shower drain. i’m definitely going to end up with pinkeye or something from this.

the skies have opened up and the deluge has begun. my basement has already started leaking…

i hope it stops raining soon, otherwise i’m in trouble.

shit… it’s only just begun.

what the heck is going on?

btc is having a fire sale. i don’t even want to open my wallet to see the balance.

it always stings a little to see that much money just *poof* disappear, but also i god damn LOVE a good deal and don’t know if i will be able to refrain from making some large orders to sit on… i’m kind of torn, lets see how things play out today when the regular markets open.

although i am personally not in any kind of danger, if you do have any crypto bros in your life… ya might want to check in on them today. i’m sure some people are getting wrecked.

also, this is not financial advice, i am not a professional, yadda yadda yadda. don’t buy btc, or do, i don’t care. whatever you decide to do is your own decision.

surprise road trip down to murica today. kids wanted desperately to try chick-fil-a and the closest one was in plattsburg, ny. k also wanted to go to target to… i don’t even know, she just wanted to go. in the end all we purchased was one overpriced football, a bag of parmesan flavored goldfish and an unnecessarily large bottle of sweet baby ray’s. oh and a bottle of baja blast for each of the kiddos.

i remember going to champlain center mall as a kid and it being this magical place filled with people and stores of all kinds. a place where you could buy almost anything. a consumerism mecca of sorts. to this day, people around here still reference “going to plattsburg” when talking about going on excessively large shopping trips for all kinds of random shit…

well holy hell has that place changed. granted, the last time i went there was likely 30 years ago, but i was not expecting this… not only was the champlain center mall a deserted skeleton filled with depression, but the entire town of plattsburg was just… sad? fast food joints, nail salons, vape shops, pawn shops, and a variety of other establishments that all screamed bien-être social. my use of french there was 100% intentional. i saw more quebec plates and heard more, VERY LOUD french speakers there than i do in montreal. every single one of them being the worst kind of quebecois. you know the kind, the loud mouths who insist their uniligualism makes them special and deserving of equally special treatment, the ones who believe the government owes them everything, the ones who are about as cultured as fucking turnips.

i don’t think i’ll be returning anytime soon. even though the chick-fil-a was good.

in other completely unrelated news, just when i thought i knew reddit pretty well, i stumbled across a subreddit today that really surprised me. r/UnsentLetters

woah… surreal. don’t go there if you’re not ready to get wrecked. i’m both in awe and traumatized by that sub. some of the writing there is impossibly good, but the subject matter is all just completely heartbreaking in a million different ways. a lot of it is like an ultra sad bizzarro version of craigslist missed connections from 10-15 years ago.

perhaps i am a glutton for punishment, but lately i have been having an overwhelming need to just feel something, and wow… this is like coming in from the cold and jumping straight into the fire to warm up. and i kind of… like it? i think i may also have some content to contribute… using a throwaway of course.

i love my job. for sure there are some parts which are challenging, and there are days that are so overwhelming that i can barely function as a human, but despite all this, i still, after almost 18 years, love it. i’ve done so much and learned so much and changed so much because of this job. i struggle to even conceive of another path i could have followed that would have given me the same level of fulfillment both personally and professionally.

yet, there is one part of it that i loathe. and the worst part about it is i know what needs to be done to fix it, but alas, it is out of my reach to effectuate any change on.

talent budget. fuck me. this is all managed by finance and vp of operations and then handed down to every dept head, who just have to make lemonade with the rotten, sour lemons we’re given. i know how they do it, and it drives me nuts. they look at the numbers for the last year and then laser focus on profitability only. they then make a calculation based on that one metric to answer the question “what percentage increase to the salary cap can we apply across the board, and maintain profitability targets?” which then gets directly translated into the budget available for annual salary reviews for all staff. so for example, if our profitability target is 15% and we’re currently doing say, 16%, exceeding targets. they then calculate what that would mean in salary cap increase to maintain at least 15%. this often translates to something like 2.5% for raises. which coincidentally is exactly the magic number for this year. i’ll let you imagine what happens when we don’t hit profitability targets…

anyhow, that means for each employee i need to meet this year, i can offer them a 2.5% raise.

inflation rate alone this past year is closer to 2.9%. so i have to, with a straight face, tell people who are doing their job perfectly well that as a reward for their hard work, they will have less money in their pocket this year.

meanwhile, the company they work for maintains their profitability targets, and as part of the leadership/management/executive board/team (we don’t really have the terms defined), i get bonuses because of it.

this feels so wrong. i hate, hate, hate how this works.

don’t get me wrong, i am not some kind of saintly figure who happily will give up my bread in order to feed the unwashed masses. i like making money. and if i offer a significant contribution and personal sacrifice in order for this company to achieve good profitability, i expect my cut. i don’t work for free. but i also want to recognize the contribution others have given. i would never have been able to achieve what i have without the dedication of the people who work for me.

certain roles and even certain departments are MORE VALUABLE than others to the company. that needs to be acknowledged and accounted for. sometimes certain individuals or even whole teams go above and beyond and really push the envelope, they deserve to be compensated for that effort, even if it means cutting into the profit margin temporarily. over the ever so slightly longer term, that investment will be paid back in improved productivity, efficiency, culture and ultimately profitability tenfold as they continue to push push push and set the example for others to do the same.

you know what happens to a high performer who gets slapped in the face one too many times? they lose their motivation, they stop performing, or they simply leave.

i so wish that instead of this arbitrary percent calculation for raises, each department would be afforded a total talent budget and then allow the department heads to allocate that budget as they see fit. the budget should be considered as a percentage based on the value of said department and should be adjusted quarterly in order to account for new contracts, or the loss of existing contracts. this would make the whole process of hiring and firing so much more accountable and representative of the overall health of the company and team and also allow individual contributors, or high performing teams to be compensated more equitably.

if i have a team of 5 high performers doing the job of 10 average performers, i would like the ability to compensate those 5 accordingly. unfortunately with the current system, i cannot. and instead i get to slap each of them in the face and hope they do not quit.

today i am doing evals, and i fucking hate it.

ok, vent over. not sure i will keep this post up, i just needed to get that out of my system.

8:30am. i’ve been at work for the last hour and a half. my eyes are bloodshot, my stomach is in knots. i couldn’t even bother to take a shower when i finally got out of bed this morning. thank god i work from home in my own little private corner in the basement of my house.

one coffee down, do i make myself another, or do i go for the more easily digestible redbull? i’m going to have to pick. why can’t i pick?

last night i tried going to bed “early” at 11pm. i thought i was tired, but apparently not tired enough. you know that feeling when you are just barely starting to fall asleep and then your whole body just fucking jolts and it almost feels like you’re falling for a fraction of a second? or you know the feeling of, i guess it’s some kind of acid reflux or something, but it happens while you are half asleep so you get woken up by the feeling of drowning in battery acid? that was the theme of my night. each event interspersed with thoughts and half dreams about things i didn’t want to think or dream about.

this morning is an endless stream of meetings. i’m not really paying attention. this afternoon i have meetings which were cancelled but i left them in my calendar so that no one could book me. i feel guilty about that. but honestly, i’m not sure i can deal with it today.

ok, redbull. get up, go. do it.