Category: :)

like an onion?

this inverse insomnia shit is getting really old now. being up this early has no advantages really, my brain has not started really functioning yet, my body is still asleep… so i just zone out. not thinking, not moving, just awake. at least when i had sleeping issues on the other end of a good night’s sleep and i was just staying up late, then i could DO something. it may not have always been the best thing to do, it always involved a lot of over thinking and usually a healthy dose of alcohol… but still at least there was something going on. i would play guitar, i would write here, i would read, i would work on things i needed to get done…

anyhow, this is just my reality at the moment it seems. perhaps in the coming months this will change.

i still wonder sometimes if i am making a huge mistake. i wonder if maybe i should just take everything back and live with my sadness, my disappointment, my frustration and feelings of dissatisfaction? would it be easier? it would be less effort. i mean, i probably could spend the rest of my life in that state and just try to find little bits of happiness elsewhere… right? like, lots of people must do that, right?

when i think about this, the worst part is, i am not concerned about feeling like i will regret this or anything like that. i am concerned about the amount of effort that will be required to get there and then maintain this… how supremely fucked is that?

but once the dust has settled, i know i will be happier, even if i never find the love i am after. even if i never find my actual person. even if i spend the rest of my years on this planet alone… i will still be happier because i will not be lying, i will not be constantly worried about managing someone else’s feelings, i will not be compromising myself, my likes, my wants, my needs to appease another. i will not be putting myself second.

it’s going to be interesting coming back to posts like this in the coming months, or even years. fuck i have really peeled back so many damn layers in the last several months. if you would have asked me last year at this time if i could ever imagine myself being in this situation, i would have laughed so hard. but deep down i would have been asking myself “holy shit… i can do that? that is an option for me???”.

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

baby steps

although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.

i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.

last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.

just write

i’ve hit some kind of wall. i have been woefully uninspired to write for a few weeks. i’m not really sure why, it’s as though the previously overflowing feelings and emotions have somewhat subsided, or rather, the source has just become exhausted, or maybe blocked? and now the originally turbulent and rapidly flowing deluge has thinned out to gentle trickle.

i’ve been working on changing my physical appearance to something i like more lately. starting with weight loss, which has been going reasonably well. i still have some work to do in order to reach my goal, but i am confident i can make it by my self imposed deadline. and if i cannot make it in time, i will not give up and consider it a failure, i will just keep trying until i get there. i’ve also been paying a little more attention to my attire. for a long time now it has been zero effort. i just didn’t care. well, screw that. i do care. i purged myself of 2 giant garbage bags worth of old clothing this weekend. and i have purchased for myself a few new items which make me feel good about myself. and i plan on continuing to do so. i am not reinventing myself, just going back to who i used to be a few years back. i’ve also changed my hair cut. not sure on what it will finally end up as, as i still need to grow some out more, but it makes me happy to do so. and then more recently, and most dramatically, i have cut my beard down quite short. shorter than it has been in a decade at least. i like it. reactions from others so far are… interesting. l said he loves it, and gave me a hug. z covered her face and then gave me a reluctant thumbs up. k said she doesn’t like it. c said i look very handsome. a said i look so good. j&k came over last night and they were split on opinions as well. j loves it. he says it took 15 years off me and just looking at me makes HIM feel younger. k thinks it is too short, but said not much else.

all part of some big plan to make lemonade, right?

anyhow… that’s what’s happening right now. i’m sure my creative writing juices will be replenished soon. i the mean time, i will make little updates here and there… and perhaps shitpost a little too.

edit: i almost forgot! last night i cooked a fucking spectacular thanksgiving feast.

i’m not dead

dear blog, i owe you some posts. i’m working on it. i need to finish my munich stuff and then there are a few other things i am working on too. it’s coming.

it’s all in progress, i’m just not feeling the energy. i guess 4 days drinking in prague, 3 days drinking in munich and then getting some kind of cold on the way home will do that.

prague – day 3

walking tour of the castle and castle grounds today. although very impressive and interesting, I’ve already done this tour a couple times and the fatigue from the day before is really affecting the other guys.

still did about 15k steps of touring with a guide but just after lunch we called it quits, had a few beers and something to eat and then headed back to the apartment to meet up with a (prague a)

the late afternoon was spent in a lovely beer garden where I got seriously lost in my own head for a bit. there was a couple at the table next to us that captivated me. the way she smiled at him, the way he gently touched her hand, the way they laughed together… argh. i couldn’t help but stare and be envious. thankfully they were so focused on each other that the whole world could be staring and they would never have even noticed.

finally when it was time to leave the beer garden we headed out to dinner at a steak house I had been to before. It was just as good as I remembered. Everyone I think thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

as a nightcap we finally relented and brought j to a gentleman’s club. despite my AMPLE warnings about what they are like and what to expect, he still got upset and angry about it. It’s too expensive, they’re too pushy, it’s all fake…

no shit dude. It’s a tourist trap strip club. I fucking told you exactly what would happen, how much it would cost and what to expect the whole time you’re there, and when EXACTLY that happens you get pissy about it? Hahaha gimme a break.

e also couldn’t handle it and faked a work emergency as soon as we got there.

oh well.

on a more positive note, plans to visit a are coming together. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to say much about it and jinx everything though. I’m excited.

prague – day 2

so much… stick to the highlights, steve.

wonderful tour that a took us on. 20k steps around prague. visited a variety of spots, most notable, at least for me, were the anthropoid church and u fleku.

evening was something. j spilled his guts to us. i’m not going to air his dirty laundry, but suffice it to say, he and i have some things in common. i shared some of my secrets in return. i’m not sure how i feel about that this morning. if nothing else, i know m sees me differently now and j pities me. both not things i want. e, despite clearly having something to say, chose not to. i worry that what was said will find its way back to ears it was never intended for. nothing to be done about it now i suppose.

night time was hilariously frustrating. j would not shut up about bringing us all to a gentleman’s club, which i warned him repeatedly were NOT like those back home. yet he insisted relentlessly. we walked around prague 1 for a few hours, walking past several and j repeatedly got cold feet only to announce he ‘knew of a better place’ and then started following google maps in the most drunkenly way possible once more.

in the end, there was shawarma. which was probably for the best 🙂

prague – day 1

note: currently struggling with internet access so this post may be incomplete or just fucking broken until i get this sorted.

it has begun! getting to the airport was… interesting. taxi driver was one hell of a mad lad. speeding, jumping lanes, weaving in and out of traffic, you name the traffic violation, he did it. the cab was also an olfactory violation. i guess on the plus side, i got there in record time!

passed the time chatting with a (thank you!) and then finally when j and m showed up we sailed through security and then hit up the pub for a pleasant afternoon of food and drink. e showed up fashionably late, as is his nature, and then it was 10 hours of maximum discomfort, crammed into a giant metal tube, screaming through the skies. no sleep for me.

arriving in prague could not have gone any better. private transport from the airport, driver had beers waiting for us in the immaculately clean van which whisked us to the apartment we’ll be calling home for the next few days.

the view from the apartment is great!

beers, beers, plum brandy, beers and then more beers.

seeing a (prague a, not the other a) again is great. even though i see him on video conference every day at work, it’s not the same.

we went out for one of his friend’s birthday celebration, not what i was expecting for sure… it was a bunch of people he knew from a long time ago, many of which were quite elderly actually. but it was good anyways! italian restaurant with ridiculous portion sizes.

after eating waaaay too much and drinking another several beers, it was finally bed after i don’t even know how many consecutive hours of no sleep.