many times at work when working on a project, troubleshooting an issue or reviewing someone else’s game plan for the same i get this feeling that i’m missing something which will cause major problems for no apparent reason, or that there is imminent danger if i continue on that approach because i am working based on false assumptions or information. it regularly leads me to make decisions based on ‘gut feel’. more often than not, i’m right to do so and quickly discover a seemingly unrelated issue that would otherwise be a showstopper with the current plan. and even if i’m not necessarily right, then at least one potential cause of failure gets ruled out for certain. risk vs reward is always in my favor, because the worst possible outcome is that i will have spent a bit of time double checking something that is fine. so the only thing ‘wasted’ is a bit of time.
the same cannot be said for things that happen outside of work. i have the same feelings, the same impending doom predictions, or that the story is wrong, or even what the truth really is that no one is willing to admit… but it is so much harder to address it because fixing things sometimes means breaking things first. when you break something with people, unlike a line of code or a configuration setting, there is no undo, there is no revert, there are no backups you can restore.
e, years ago when you had your crisis, i knew your story was a complete fabrication, and i know what the truth was. but you sold a story to everyone and i went along with it. you’ll never read this, but i knew the truth, because i know you. it’s ok, i’ve been there too.
j, i know you know. and i know you know that i know that you know. we’re never going to talk about it, but i know.
z, stop it. you think i don’t know what’s happening? of course i do. i wish we could talk about it. we’re more alike than you know. i think i could help you, or if nothing else, we could be miserable together and you would not need to do it alone. then again, if i were in your shoes, i would probably do the same. actually, i did do the same. so i guess i can’t blame you.
m, i see you. (edit: phrasing? re-reading this it sounds incredibly creepy, jesus christ. that was not my intent, i don’t actually see you.)
and last but not least, k… i’ve messed up so many things, i don’t even know what to think any more. but for a while my spidey senses have been literally on fire and all i want to do is talk to you about it because i know there is something, but i am terrified to find out and i am terrified that it likely is a cat which can never be put back in the bag.
so i guess i will just go with the flow, and wait to see what happens next, like i always do because i’m too much of a chicken to rock the boat.