pick something

it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.

something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?

when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.

around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.

i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.

fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.

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