over the last several months i’ve been questioning a lot of things. i’m discovering things i thought i knew with absolute certainty are not what i thought they were at all. i’m realizing i don’t actually know anything…
thinking and talking about this feels weird. i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i think something so strongly and then a short time later think the exact opposite? how can i be sure that my thoughts and feelings are not just betraying me right now and in another 2 months i’ll revert to my previous state, or maybe another state that i am not even aware exists currently? how can i make any kind of decisions based on this sort of flux?
a said something really interesting about this the other day that has given me a lot to think about. in her professional life she needs to make pretty big and important decisions all the time which can be completely life changing for the people involved. that type of decision making can ruin someone pretty quickly if you don’t have a rock solid method of justifying and coping with it. the way she described it was that she tries to make the best decisions possible, with the information that is currently available, not what might be available in the future. as long as the choices are made in good faith with what data is currently presented, then there can be no remorse, regret, etc… even if it turns out to be an unfortunate result, at least there is solace in knowing that at the time of the choice, the best option was selected.
the saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes to mind as well when thinking about this. so much of what was so fucking real not long ago i see differently now. just re-reading some of my posts here, i can see patterns, i can see errors in judgement, i can see the true motivations behind the lies i tell myself. i wish there was some kind of way to filter all the noise and see just the raw data without all of the emotional cloudiness surrounding it. knowing this about myself makes everything that much more difficult. how can i choose something now, knowing that i can’t really trust my own thoughts? not choosing something is also a choice though, isn’t it? how can i live with that knowing that with all currently available data, it’s not what i want either? i am not making the best possible choice in good faith, i am just living with the status quo because i am scared.
the more i think about it, the more twisted and convoluted it gets. the more i second guess everything. the more i question every single detail. and the deeper i go into this conflictual state of limbo. i don’t know what to do.