i don’t know why it’s always like this. sometimes, just sometimes, i want to be the one who gets to be mad. i want to be the one who gets to throw my hands up, say “are you fucking kidding me?”, or even just… vent. instead, she gets upset first, and then all of my frustration just gets swallowed up. gone. poof. because when she’s upset, i have to be the calm one. the “supportive” one. and if not, i am the enemy, the bad guy, the unreasonable one.
like yesterday. she borrowed my car to run errands because hers was in the shop after she once again kind of ignored necessary maintenance…. issues i busted my ass trying to fix the night before and ended up breaking some of my own tools trying to fix, then moving heaven and earth the next morning and twisting my mechanic’s arm to fit me in for an emergency appointment the same day to help make the car safe again. anyhow, while she’s out, i get a phone call, she’s hysterical because she wasn’t paying attention and smashed the front of my car into a curb and broke part of the bumper.
“i didn’t see the curb. your car is too low. it wasn’t my fault.” and then, before i can even say anything, she’s crying her eyes out. and i say phone call, but it wasn’t a phone call, it was a video face time… what the fuck. her upset face is already in full effect, and now i’m stuck. i can’t even be angry, because if i show even a flicker of frustration, i am the bad guy. so what do i do? i say, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it. it’s just a car.” but inside? inside, i’m boiling. why am i now comforting her for breaking my car?
i wanted to be the one to be mad. i wanted to be able to say, “are you serious?” but no. now, it’s all about her feelings. i have to reassure her that i’m not upset, even though i am, because she’s already cornered the market on emotional real estate. the minute she got upset, my frustration didn’t matter anymore.
and this isn’t just about the car. it’s about every time something like this happens. it’s like i’m not allowed to have my own reaction. the second she’s upset, my feelings have to be put on hold so i can take care of hers. i have to be the steady one, the calm one, even though i’m the one standing there with a busted bumper. and when i do try to express that i’m frustrated? she gets even more upset, more defensive, more adversarial, and then it spirals into this whole thing where ultimately i end up comforting her for making me mad.
it’s exhausting. it’s like i’m constantly stuck in this role where i’m supposed to keep the peace, even when i have every right to be pissed off. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not trying to be a jerk about it. i’m not out here looking to start a fight. but would it kill her to just let me be mad for once? to let me ‘win’ this stupid emotional game? to acknowledge, “yeah, i messed up, and it’s okay if you’re angry about it”? instead, i feel like i’m choking down my own feelings just to avoid making hers worse every. single. time.
marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, right? but who’s supporting me when i’m the one frustrated? why do i always have to be the one who swallows my feelings so hers can take center stage?
it’s so frustrating to always feel like i’m on the back burner, emotionally speaking. i don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between being a good partner and being an actual person with actual feelings. i just want to be allowed to be upset when something like this happens, without it turning into me managing her reaction or having to walk on eggshells.