stop it, you’re making it worse.

guilt is a funny thing. it makes you think, and do completely illogical things. you can know something with absolute certainty, with every fiber of your being, yet, guilt will make you think the opposite. guilt will make you doubt. guilt will make you compromise. guilt will make you procrastinate. guilt will make you consider alternatives. guilt will ultimately do everything in it’s power to deny you of the thing you know with absolute certainty.

i’ve known this feeling for a while now. longer than i am willing to admit. longer than anyone would be able to guess even, am i that good at pretending? i know i have to do something about it, and soon too. but the weight of the guilt surrounding this whole situation is suffocating. it is oppressive and there is no escape, there is no reprieve, there is no breathing room. in the moments after the words leave my lips i am hoping that i will be able to catch a breath, to have a sigh of relief, but i am worried the harsh reality will be that everything will get much, much worse before anything starts to get better and that the moment i open my mouth instead of catching a breath, i will instead be letting in the flood that will drown me.

perhaps i am being defeatist, perhaps i am being too dramatic, perhaps things will work out favorably? is that possible? is it something i should hope for or should i just brace for the worst possible outcome instead? i can’t say i have that much faith in humanity in general, even people who i have known nearly my entire life and are very dear to me have disappointed me more times than i can count. can i really expect compassion, understanding and acceptance in this situation? if the roles were reversed, how would i react? would i be compassionate, or would i be vengeful? would i be accepting, or would i be confrontational? would i be understanding, or would i reject everything? i’m not really sure. i guess it is impossible to know without being in the situation first hand.

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