another early morning. 3 am i was up, not able to sleep any more. 4 am i got out of bed. 5 am i made a coffee… and now 6 am i am here writing.
i had a good conversation with my therapist yesterday. she said something which i haven’t been able to stop thinking about when i was talking to her about making this choice. i told her what my options were, to either accept what i have and make the best of it, or change everything with the hopes of finding something more fulfilling… and she asked me, well, no, actually she kind of told me that if i chose option 1, with everything she had learned about me so far, it would only be a matter of time before my heart started overpowering my brain once more.
it took me a minute to understand what she was saying, but ultimately it did process, and i think she’s right. i can pretend everything is ok, i can even try to make things better, but i cannot undo any of the past and it will always be there. if i cannot live with that, then i cannot live with that. and i think i have reached the point where i cannot live with that.
so, that’s scary.
i wanted to talk to k about it last night, but she was not feeling well and i chickened out. i don’t want to go to war. i don’t want trouble. i just want everyone to have a chance at happiness. so bringing this up again when she’s in pain is not a good idea, right? am i just making excuses and avoiding it… maybe…
maybe today i will have the courage to do it.