mmmm jam…

not feeling exceptionally inspired to write much today, maybe tonight that will change…

i do however really need to stop getting lambasted the night before band practice. oof. nothing like jamming at full volume with a raging hangover! brain splitting pain aside, practice was good today! p joined in for the second time, i think we’re all pretty much agreed that he’s part of the band now. unfortunately y choked at the last minute though… i guess it’s forgivable, he did just get back from portugal so he gets a pass. THIS TIME!

couple of new songs are coming together, we’ve almost got the pretender down, well other than the ending, that’s still a mess, but we’re almost there! we also played a few tracks from incesticide which we never jammed before and they all turned out pretty dang good.

j has big dreams about how all of this works too which is both adorable and annoying at the same time. he got all excited about recording our jams again, but he doesn’t realize that for every 5 minutes of recording there’s gonna be at least 2 hours of fuckery that *I* have to deal with to make it sound acceptable. none of these guys have ever even touched a DAW before, nevermind done any kind of audio engineering. i tried to explain to him how it works, but he didn’t get it at all hahaha. in his head it’s just plug the microphone into the computer thing and then press record, done! magic studio quality recording finished! god, i would love to sit him in front of cakewalk for an afternoon and watch his head explode, but i know he doesn’t have the patience for that. p actually said he would be interested in learning though, so maybe i can get some help there? we’ll see.

explorer update 4

crusty glue cleaned up, grain filler applied, sandy sandy sandy and finally some coats of primer going on.

for color, i picked something i was not expecting to pick.

i still need a logo or something for the headstock. so… if you are one of the very few who know of this blog’s existence, please help me. give me some ideas. i was thinking of maybe doing something with the whole sad mac theme i have adopted over the years, like the logo for this site. but the shape of it doesn’t quite lend itself to the shape of the headstock. alternately it could be a word, or something, but i don’t know what. maybe this guitar should have a name?

it almost feels like trying to pick a tattoo. of which i have none, because i simply cannot bring myself to pick something so permanent.

listen – dev lemons

i’ve seen a few of dev’s videos on her dev limes channel, in particular the ones where she tries to recreate popular songs, but with her computer on mute, and picking samples based on… well not much. as someone who has studied music production and who has dabbled in that world as a hobby for a long ass time now, what dev does is simultaneously hilarious and amazing all at once! her brand of humor is also right up my alley. i knew she made actual serious music too, but only decided to listen to it tonight, and i am blown away!

i’ve not gone through all of the songs yet, but plan on doing so tonight. you can check them out on her dev lemons channel.

here’s one song i really like so far

plattsburg and sadness

surprise road trip down to murica today. kids wanted desperately to try chick-fil-a and the closest one was in plattsburg, ny. k also wanted to go to target to… i don’t even know, she just wanted to go. in the end all we purchased was one overpriced football, a bag of parmesan flavored goldfish and an unnecessarily large bottle of sweet baby ray’s. oh and a bottle of baja blast for each of the kiddos.

i remember going to champlain center mall as a kid and it being this magical place filled with people and stores of all kinds. a place where you could buy almost anything. a consumerism mecca of sorts. to this day, people around here still reference “going to plattsburg” when talking about going on excessively large shopping trips for all kinds of random shit…

well holy hell has that place changed. granted, the last time i went there was likely 30 years ago, but i was not expecting this… not only was the champlain center mall a deserted skeleton filled with depression, but the entire town of plattsburg was just… sad? fast food joints, nail salons, vape shops, pawn shops, and a variety of other establishments that all screamed bien-être social. my use of french there was 100% intentional. i saw more quebec plates and heard more, VERY LOUD french speakers there than i do in montreal. every single one of them being the worst kind of quebecois. you know the kind, the loud mouths who insist their uniligualism makes them special and deserving of equally special treatment, the ones who believe the government owes them everything, the ones who are about as cultured as fucking turnips.

i don’t think i’ll be returning anytime soon. even though the chick-fil-a was good.

in other completely unrelated news, just when i thought i knew reddit pretty well, i stumbled across a subreddit today that really surprised me. r/UnsentLetters

woah… surreal. don’t go there if you’re not ready to get wrecked. i’m both in awe and traumatized by that sub. some of the writing there is impossibly good, but the subject matter is all just completely heartbreaking in a million different ways. a lot of it is like an ultra sad bizzarro version of craigslist missed connections from 10-15 years ago.

perhaps i am a glutton for punishment, but lately i have been having an overwhelming need to just feel something, and wow… this is like coming in from the cold and jumping straight into the fire to warm up. and i kind of… like it? i think i may also have some content to contribute… using a throwaway of course.

eval time

i love my job. for sure there are some parts which are challenging, and there are days that are so overwhelming that i can barely function as a human, but despite all this, i still, after almost 18 years, love it. i’ve done so much and learned so much and changed so much because of this job. i struggle to even conceive of another path i could have followed that would have given me the same level of fulfillment both personally and professionally.

yet, there is one part of it that i loathe. and the worst part about it is i know what needs to be done to fix it, but alas, it is out of my reach to effectuate any change on.

talent budget. fuck me. this is all managed by finance and vp of operations and then handed down to every dept head, who just have to make lemonade with the rotten, sour lemons we’re given. i know how they do it, and it drives me nuts. they look at the numbers for the last year and then laser focus on profitability only. they then make a calculation based on that one metric to answer the question “what percentage increase to the salary cap can we apply across the board, and maintain profitability targets?” which then gets directly translated into the budget available for annual salary reviews for all staff. so for example, if our profitability target is 15% and we’re currently doing say, 16%, exceeding targets. they then calculate what that would mean in salary cap increase to maintain at least 15%. this often translates to something like 2.5% for raises. which coincidentally is exactly the magic number for this year. i’ll let you imagine what happens when we don’t hit profitability targets…

anyhow, that means for each employee i need to meet this year, i can offer them a 2.5% raise.

inflation rate alone this past year is closer to 2.9%. so i have to, with a straight face, tell people who are doing their job perfectly well that as a reward for their hard work, they will have less money in their pocket this year.

meanwhile, the company they work for maintains their profitability targets, and as part of the leadership/management/executive board/team (we don’t really have the terms defined), i get bonuses because of it.

this feels so wrong. i hate, hate, hate how this works.

don’t get me wrong, i am not some kind of saintly figure who happily will give up my bread in order to feed the unwashed masses. i like making money. and if i offer a significant contribution and personal sacrifice in order for this company to achieve good profitability, i expect my cut. i don’t work for free. but i also want to recognize the contribution others have given. i would never have been able to achieve what i have without the dedication of the people who work for me.

certain roles and even certain departments are MORE VALUABLE than others to the company. that needs to be acknowledged and accounted for. sometimes certain individuals or even whole teams go above and beyond and really push the envelope, they deserve to be compensated for that effort, even if it means cutting into the profit margin temporarily. over the ever so slightly longer term, that investment will be paid back in improved productivity, efficiency, culture and ultimately profitability tenfold as they continue to push push push and set the example for others to do the same.

you know what happens to a high performer who gets slapped in the face one too many times? they lose their motivation, they stop performing, or they simply leave.

i so wish that instead of this arbitrary percent calculation for raises, each department would be afforded a total talent budget and then allow the department heads to allocate that budget as they see fit. the budget should be considered as a percentage based on the value of said department and should be adjusted quarterly in order to account for new contracts, or the loss of existing contracts. this would make the whole process of hiring and firing so much more accountable and representative of the overall health of the company and team and also allow individual contributors, or high performing teams to be compensated more equitably.

if i have a team of 5 high performers doing the job of 10 average performers, i would like the ability to compensate those 5 accordingly. unfortunately with the current system, i cannot. and instead i get to slap each of them in the face and hope they do not quit.

today i am doing evals, and i fucking hate it.

ok, vent over. not sure i will keep this post up, i just needed to get that out of my system.

can’t sleep, clown will eat me

8:30am. i’ve been at work for the last hour and a half. my eyes are bloodshot, my stomach is in knots. i couldn’t even bother to take a shower when i finally got out of bed this morning. thank god i work from home in my own little private corner in the basement of my house.

one coffee down, do i make myself another, or do i go for the more easily digestible redbull? i’m going to have to pick. why can’t i pick?

last night i tried going to bed “early” at 11pm. i thought i was tired, but apparently not tired enough. you know that feeling when you are just barely starting to fall asleep and then your whole body just fucking jolts and it almost feels like you’re falling for a fraction of a second? or you know the feeling of, i guess it’s some kind of acid reflux or something, but it happens while you are half asleep so you get woken up by the feeling of drowning in battery acid? that was the theme of my night. each event interspersed with thoughts and half dreams about things i didn’t want to think or dream about.

this morning is an endless stream of meetings. i’m not really paying attention. this afternoon i have meetings which were cancelled but i left them in my calendar so that no one could book me. i feel guilty about that. but honestly, i’m not sure i can deal with it today.

ok, redbull. get up, go. do it.

explorer update part 3

clean-ish!

despite a less than stellar reaction to yesterday’s work, i motivated myself to continue, and i’m happy with the progress. it ain’t perfect, but it least 90% of the shit everywhere has been sorted. i still need to install that garage door opener, but it’s pissing rain right now and my car is clean soooooo….. yeah, it’s going to have to wait until the rain stops and i can put my car outside.

tonight i think i will be able to start sanding the body and neck and if all goes well, i’ll apply the grain filler too. if that happens, i’ll update this post with pics.

and yes, i said i didn’t want to put my car outside because it was raining. shut up.

UPDATE: actual guitar stuff is happening!

all the bits that came in the kit. body has had the first sanding completed, i forgot to take pics but don’t worry, there is plenty of sanding to come! i don’t understand why, but this kit came with like 10 feet of copper shielding tape. wut? also, tuners… no bueno.

i thought this thing would have come with appropriate glue, but alas, it does not. thankfully i still have some of this stuff left from the telecaster repair a few months ago. it’s not the right kind of glue, but it should work… right? RIGHT? fuck I hope it works.

like with everything i glue, too much in some spots, not enough in others… hopefully it will squish around to all the right places.

wiped up the excess, bunch of clamps on there… now we wait at least 24 hours.

things i am concerned about: neck and body were in my air conditioned office all week. now they are in the hot and humid garage. the wood is going to do funny things. hopefully the clamps and glue will keep everything together. also, the glue i used is probably not the best for this… we’ll see. i guess WORST case scenario, it comes apart and i have to clean it up and re-glue with the right glue this time.

better help – part trois

this will be my last update for a while on this. not because i don’t have thoughts or opinions, not because i am stopping or cancelling it, but because i think i need more time to really develop my thoughts on this and witness some form of material improvement over time… updating weekly i don’t think will be doing anyone justice.

so where do i stand on whether this is worthwhile after today’s appointment? still undecided.

so much of this has me rolling my eyes at myself asking if i am serious right now. i mean, i’m an avid consumer of tv and movies and protagonists in therapy is certainly an overused trope in just about any modern story. so i am not unfamiliar with at least the hollywood interpretation of how this goes. the conversations are surprisingly predictable in the sense that these are all conversations i have had with myself or here with you, nameless, faceless internet, over and over again. so yes, i roll my eyes. and yes i am asking myself how i can take this seriously. and i think that may be part of the problem to be honest. if i was able to unfuck myself on my own, i guess i probably would have done it by now, right?

i guess sometimes things are done certain ways for a reason (i know, what a shocking revelation, right?), as trivial or trite as it may seem, literally just talking to someone who i don’t know and have no fear of saying something which may hurt their feelings, or give them the wrong impression, or change the way they see me is kind of freeing. so i am going to give it a go for a while and see what happens.