Category: :(

many times at work when working on a project, troubleshooting an issue or reviewing someone else’s game plan for the same i get this feeling that i’m missing something which will cause major problems for no apparent reason, or that there is imminent danger if i continue on that approach because i am working based on false assumptions or information. it regularly leads me to make decisions based on ‘gut feel’. more often than not, i’m right to do so and quickly discover a seemingly unrelated issue that would otherwise be a showstopper with the current plan. and even if i’m not necessarily right, then at least one potential cause of failure gets ruled out for certain. risk vs reward is always in my favor, because the worst possible outcome is that i will have spent a bit of time double checking something that is fine. so the only thing ‘wasted’ is a bit of time.

the same cannot be said for things that happen outside of work. i have the same feelings, the same impending doom predictions, or that the story is wrong, or even what the truth really is that no one is willing to admit… but it is so much harder to address it because fixing things sometimes means breaking things first. when you break something with people, unlike a line of code or a configuration setting, there is no undo, there is no revert, there are no backups you can restore.

e, years ago when you had your crisis, i knew your story was a complete fabrication, and i know what the truth was. but you sold a story to everyone and i went along with it. you’ll never read this, but i knew the truth, because i know you. it’s ok, i’ve been there too.

j, i know you know. and i know you know that i know that you know. we’re never going to talk about it, but i know.

z, stop it. you think i don’t know what’s happening? of course i do. i wish we could talk about it. we’re more alike than you know. i think i could help you, or if nothing else, we could be miserable together and you would not need to do it alone. then again, if i were in your shoes, i would probably do the same. actually, i did do the same. so i guess i can’t blame you.

m, i see you. (edit: phrasing? re-reading this it sounds incredibly creepy, jesus christ. that was not my intent, i don’t actually see you.)

and last but not least, k… i’ve messed up so many things, i don’t even know what to think any more. but for a while my spidey senses have been literally on fire and all i want to do is talk to you about it because i know there is something, but i am terrified to find out and i am terrified that it likely is a cat which can never be put back in the bag.

so i guess i will just go with the flow, and wait to see what happens next, like i always do because i’m too much of a chicken to rock the boat.

and in today’s episode of steve blurting things out before thinking them through and then probably regretting it later…

i slept soundly last night for the first time in like a month. as good as it felt, i woke up this morning feeling… i don’t know, scared? upset? worried? disappointed? angry at myself? i’m not even sure, but it wasn’t good.

ok, i’m just going to say it… i’ve been unhappy for a long time. lately it’s been pretty bad and i have been doing some things i’m really not proud of. a lot of it seems to be about love, attention, affection, intimacy, things like that. something that i feel i am missing in my life. i looked in so many of the wrong places to find it, and i made things weird for some people. it’s made me think a lot about a lot of things i didn’t want to think about. and i think maybe i’m doing it again.

i reached out to you for a lot of reasons. i’ve never been happy about how things ended. i regret how i treated you. i miss talking to you. i have so many, life changing, good memories in my head associated to you. i think part of me never got over you either… also, the last time i felt this way was when i first met you and you made the bad go away. but fuck you steve. that’s not fucking fair and you can’t expect the same things now. seriously, FUCK YOU. you’re a selfish prick. asshole. i wish i could punch you in the fucking face right now.

one email is all it took, and then suddenly my outlook on everything seemed less hopeless. one email and i was able to sleep again. one email and everything that’s happened in the last few weeks suddenly snapped into clarity.. and shame.

but that’s not right. am i just doing it again but placing this shit on you? i don’t know. i don’t want that to be it. please don’t let that be it. please let me have the courage to talk to you about this. please don’t judge me too harshly. please don’t be weirded out or disgusted by my actions. please be a friendly ghost from my past who can help me make sense of all this and find healthy ways to get past it.

thank god i’m fully booked at work today, i don’t think i could handle being alone with my thoughts right now.

so far, not impressed.

sign up has you go through a whole slew of questions, many of which, at least for me, don’t have a definitive answer, or the answers they provide don’t really apply or aren’t quite right. on it’s own though, that’s not a deal breaker, i mean i get it, you have to start somewhere, right?

the part that kind of soured it for me at the start is how after spending a good 20 minutes answering questions, you are then hit with the payment screen. at this point you’re invested, you’ve committed time to answer truthfully and from the heart, at least for me i was feeling pretty vulnerable… so when the payment option comes up it felt like a slap in the face.

i am not trying to say it should be free or anything like that, far from it. it’s just the way that the site does it makes it feel predatory almost.

the billing model is weird. they give you the weekly price, but then say it’s billed every 4 weeks, so why not just make it a monthly price? there are a metric fuckton of youtubers pushing this platform right now so discount codes are abundant. i chose a fellow canadian i really like as my referrer, thanks @Julie Nolke! got a few bucks off, so in the end just shy of 400 CAD for the month.

Once in the platform, you need to answer more questions, and then wait for a match to a therapist. they say it could take 24/48 hours, but i was matched in just about an hour or so.

unfortunately, the person i was matched to was about to go on holiday or something? so their first availability is only next week. ehhhhh…..

so remember the weird billing model? if that’s a 2 way street, then i am now paying 1 week to wait. really?

anyhow, we’ll see how this works out. in the meantime i am checking out the rest of the platform. yesterday i explored the journaling system which allows you to write whatever you want, they offer various prompts to help inspire you or get you started. you can attach a feeling to the entry and you also have the option to share it with your therapist. seems pretty well thought out and has all the functions and features you could expect. i made an entry, but decided not to share it with my therapist just yet, i’m not even certain i will stay with this one and wait the week. apparently one of the features of better help is that you can change any time, so maybe i’ll try that.

i’ve chosen to remove a bunch of posts. i don’t feel good about that. but i guess some things are probably better left in my head.

twice in the last week someone has asked me “so steve… what’s your next car going to be?” and both times i really could not answer.

i am due, over due actually. i’ve had the s4 for 5 years now. when was the last time i kept the same car for more than a year? i can’t even remember.

admittedly the s4 is good… it’s been 100% reliable, it doesn’t look dated, it’s still mint inside and out. it’s taken all the mods i’ve thrown at it really well, and nothing has broken despite pushing just shy of 500 and i can shoot fucking flames out the tailpipe if i want. the only thing that mayyyyybe isn’t the best is the suspension, but that’s my own dumbass fault for wanting to live the low life, so i can deal. at least rene levesque and st laurent have been repaved recently in the worst spots so i can make it to work when i need to get to the office now, just can’t enter the parking without scraping lol.

if i were to get into something else, what the hell would i go for that makes sense?

rs5? they’re fucking expensive and stock, my s4 wins all day. so that doesn’t work.

golf r? i’ve already had one, but could see myself getting another. except i can’t deal with the stupid haptic touch infotainment crap vw did. mk9 is supposed to go back to buttons. so for now it’s a no, to be re-evaluated next year.

porsche macan? other than the turbo or gts, it’s a q5. lame. and the turbo and gts both have the same problem as the rs5, expensive, and not that fast stock. also, it’s basically a snooty sq5.

sq5? arguments could be made… stock it is slow, but not that expeez to fix that. but since when am i an suv guy? mehhh…

so what if i keep the s4 and instead buy someone else’s problem, i mean project car?

late 80’s porsche 944’s are nice, and reasonably affordable… parts are a little harder to find, but not impossible. they’re also simple enough that i could probably do most of the wrenching myself. they are slow af though. that’s a problem. and i’m not about to turbo or sc a 30-40 year old porsche motor. swap? 1.8t? vr6? hmmm i’ll put this in the maybe column.

late 70’s mki vw rabbit is another one on my list of cars i must own before i die. but unfortunately, ’round here they’re all rusted to shit by now. i could try to import one from the us… they would classify as classic so no special retrofit or anything. but what a colossal pain in the ass. i dunno. also, they’re getting more and more expensive now, and parts are basically unobtainable. dan’s had one in his shop for like a year now waiting on parts… not sure i can do that. might need to find one that’s already mostly restored. $$$

eugh.. so what do i do? talk about first world problems here.

i should probably wash the s4 and take some pics this weekend.

i’ve been reading through archives of my old blog from the before time and it got me thinking… how do you draw the line between your online persona and yourself? how do you even define that? really, if you think about it, how is your online persona any different from you as a real life person just straight up lying and telling stories to people who may very well take you at face value?

i feel like so few people present their true selves online. it’s as if when you’re online, it’s a fantasy world where anything goes and you can be whoever you want to be. it’s somehow completely independent from the ‘real world’. and you know, maybe at one point that was true in the early years of the web, but things have changed a lot since then. someone smarter than me could probably make the argument that the online world and the real world have actually switched places in recent years making the stuff that happens online more ‘real’ and the stuff that happens in the real world somehow less real…

if you do something in the real world, unless there has been some kind of recording of it, once it’s done, it’s done. it’s only a memory at that point. but pretty much anything done online leaves traces, it leaves evidence, it leaves proof. it is even more real than real life! you can’t hide from your past online. you can’t deny things you’ve said or done so easily any more. online anonymity is a lie. sure, you can do all kinds of things to try to hide who you are, but ultimately, someone who is clever or resourceful enough will always find a way to circumvent whatever supposed protections you put in place.

which brings me back to my original question, if you have a persona online, how do you separate that from who you really are? what mental gymnastics do you do to rationalize it? or are you just ok with lying?