holy moly. my thoughts are about as turbulent as the weather outside right now. thunder, lightning, overwhelming rain and even hail all made their presence very known this afternoon, followed by an unusual calm. mother nature, i’m with you on this one.
i had a video call with k8 this afternoon. i have not seen her face or heard her voice in so so long… she hasn’t aged a day, that isn’t to say she hasn’t changed though. she definitely seemed genuinely content, in control, or at least as much as you can be with little kids in your life. she seemed happy and that made me happy too. gone was the cloud of uncertainty that used to follow her around. anyhow, to say the whole thing wasn’t overwhelming, wonderful, nostalgic, exciting, heart wrenching, heartwarming, cathartic and even intimidating all at once (for me) would be an outright lie. words almost completely failed me. there are a million and one things, but everything just got caught in my throat.
it’s truly mind boggling how i can write and write and write and spill my guts through my fingertips, but as soon as there is eye contact, as soon as there are facial expressions, as soon as there are little noises of approval or disapproval, everything just grinds to a halt. when did that happen? why did that happen?
despite the mental road blocks, i am really happy the ice is broken now. i hope there is more to come.
a couple of things came up that i do need to deal with sooner rather than later however. the fact that k doesn’t know about any of this makes it somewhat uncomfortable for her. i am uncomfortable about it too. it’s making something harmless into something malicious. but i’m convinced that telling her will only hurt her. that’s the very last thing i want. of course if she finds out on her own, it will likely hurt more. i’m not sure what the solution is here. i’m not even sure there is one where no one loses. maybe the best thing is to be honest, and then live with the consequences, though i worry that will just foster even more resentment.
and then there’s precipitating events that triggered this to even happen in the first place. i know i need to talk about it but i’m so damn worried. worried that it will taint whatever memories or history exist in her head. worried that it will make me look like a cretin, a deviant, a degenerate in her eyes. but why do i care so much? why is this so important to me? why is the opinion of someone who i haven’t even spoken to in so long and isn’t actually a present force in my life this heavy on my heart? i don’t fucking know, but it is.
there’s so much more i want to say, but maybe i should sleep on things and digest a little.