last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.
sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.
never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.
i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.
i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.
It would never be over and done for the people left behind. They would never completely move on, and would feel the hurt for years to come but with no possible way to resolve it. Speaking as a person who has lost both friends and family to suicide, it’s one of the most devastating ways to lose someone – you never stop wondering if you could have done something, anything, differently. All that being said, i can understand having it be something to cross your mind in moments that hard. 💜 I’m glad you made it through them