the past few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. lots of heavy thoughts and feelings. lots of self reflection and analysis. lots of coping and reasoning. lots of self loathing and hatred. lots of hope and excitement. lots of guilt and fear. lots of relief and release. suffice it to say, my head has been all over the place and back again.
i think the things which are affecting me most right now though are more centered around fear and uncertainty and i think that might be what is affecting my sleep. i find myself going down some deep rabbit holes questioning whether this is all a mistake and that there actually are no greener pastures to explore. k is not helping things at all. ever since this started she has changed her tune and has been on her best behavior. i know it will not last and it is just a reaction to the hurt i inflicted on her with this, but it does fog everything slightly. it makes me think that perhaps things can change, perhaps this is redeemable, perhaps all the unhappiness previously experienced was just a precursor to a happier time… this is delusion though. this is what i have been telling myself for years. this is how i got stuck so deep in the rut to begin with.
i have been making lists. lists of things which broke my heart. lists of things which i will not miss. lists of things which undermine or belittle me. lists of things which i do not like or actively hate. i have to keep reviewing and reaffirming those lists to keep myself on track. is that crazy person behavior? it that awful of me?
i guess on the flip side i also keep repeating over and over my number one priority. this needs to end amicably for the kids and for her. i can keep eating some shit for a while to make sure that happens. she is no longer my life partner, i do not owe her an explanation, nor can i expect or even ask for her to carry some of this burden. this is what i want, and the only person i can trust to make sure that it happens is myself. so i must do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.
i’ve been reading a lot on reddit about divorce, different people’s stories and the outcomes of each. there seems to be a lot of common themes and roles, and also a lot of common lies people tell to themselves and to those around them. there is always the victim and the perpetrator and when someone falls deep enough into one of these roles, they seem to lose sight of everything else.
some of those stories are scary, i see myself in their shoes and then i see some of the reactions from other people and it makes me sick to my stomach. people can be so kind and supportive, but they can also be so fucking ruthless it’s doubtful they are even human. so many people speak from their own experience stating things which ultimately are just beliefs they formed to help them cope as fact and it is upsetting to me, because i fall for it. but i need to remember, no one knows my story except for me. so despite similarities, these are not my stories.