the more people i talk to about the impending dissolution of my marriage, the more i find that i really am not alone in this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. the more i find there are other guys in the same, or at least very similar situations. married, but to a roommate, to a business partner, to a colleague… not married to a lover, to a best friend, to a confidante or to an actual life partner.
is this just the inevitable place people end up in, or is it the product of poor communication over years? is it blindness to problems in the early days, or is it just normal personal growth and change? how do successful long term relationships work? is it just luck? is it hard work? is it fundamental compatibility at a deeper level?
i told my brother about what’s going on last night. i think it shook him. and then in an attempt to make me feel better he told me about his current situation… which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, because i don’t want that for him. he seems to be feeling just as alone, and has been leaning on alcohol to get him through most nights. i want to help him, but i don’t know that i can right now.
i also told 2 of the guys who work directly for me, mostly because i had to explain my absence to them. one of the guys already saw it coming, we talked a bit about it in september, but before there was this finality present. the other one though… fuck. he already has a very real social behavior issue of not being able to shut the fuck up, and now that he knows this about me, he has not been able to shut up. he is trying to offer sympathy, offer advice, offer friendship, offer distraction… don’t get me wrong, his intentions are appreciated, but it is way too fucking much and is only raising my stress level. he came with me in the car on the ride to the restaurant last night and i swear to god, that was the most infuriating 45 minutes i have spent in a long time. i bit my tongue so damn hard the whole time, just trying to remind myself his intentions are good.
it’s just a matter of time now before the rumor mill starts at work. several people asked me if i was ok last night because of my recent weight loss. certain people made a really big deal about it, which honestly, i didn’t really want, but what am i going to do, give someone shit for trying to compliment me? anyhow, i expect next week will have a few new people reaching out to me asking if i’m ok and making puppy dog eyes.