continuing to be under the same roof, to live in the same space, to see each other and interact with each other every day, pretending this is normal is becoming more and more challenging.
it’s not normal, we’re not roommates, and we’re not lovers. we’re not friends, but we’re not enemies. we’re in this limbo state, this transitional phase, and we have to figure out where the lines are drawn. it is not quite so obvious.
for the sake of peace, i am still biting my tongue every single day. there are a few things in particular which are slowly eroding my good will and hopefully will not foster so much resentment that i end up lashing out and saying something i regret.
the first thing… you have been horrible person every single morning without fail for the last 18 years using the excuse that you are not a morning person, like somehow this excuses you from being even semi-decent to loved ones after you wake up. you have even enabled our daughter to do the same thing and given me grief for calling her out on that behavior as being unacceptable. yet now, in the last month, you have changed your tune. you smile, you say good morning, and you are acting like a regular human being. don’t get me wrong, this is definitely better… but holy shit, what happened to the nearly 2 decades of “not being a morning person”? this has been a pain point for me for so fucking long, bullshit i just had to live with, and now that i have called it quits, you change? is this genuine? is this change because you are happier now and i was causing this misery for you all along? or perhaps this change is because you realized it is not acceptable behavior? maybe something else?
next, stop following me around. if i am putting away the dishes, it is not the time to come and do something else in the kitchen. if i am enjoying my personal time watching a movie, there is not an open invitation to join me and start asking questions about what is going on. if i am relaxing, playing on my phone lying in bed, you don’t need to find some busy work to do in the same room all of a sudden. just stop. it isn’t cute, it isn’t wanted, you’re just making things awkward.
last, i can’t listen to you belly ache and stress over money any more. i don’t want to hear it. i have accepted to take on DRAMATICALLY more financial debt than you in order to facilitate things. i have paid you a significant mount of no strings attached money to clear out your debt. i have offered to let you have whatever you want from the house, in fact i have insisted that you take more than your fair share. i have paid for your first month of entertainment and groceries. i have taken over the mortgage and all of the bills on this house we both live in myself leaving you with no expenses right now at all! i have done all of this without complaining a single word. yet you are still siting there, making spreadsheets listing pages of things you “need” but rather, actually just want, along with their retail cost and then staring at the total dollar amount at the end in despair and loudly complaining about it to whoever will listen. you’re calculating unnecessary renovation costs for your new home and then questioning how you will ever be able to afford any of it. you’re even complaining to the KIDS that “mommy is broke and will not be able to afford anything, so forget about getting the things you get now.”… wtf… shut up. seriously.