i had an interesting conversation with a friend last week about what people say they want versus what they actually want and how those two things are usually not really the same…
for example, someone may ask you how you are doing. simple enough, right? they want to know about your well being. but, do they really? i think most of the time people want you and anyone else within ear shot to believe they want to know how you are doing, because that makes them a good and caring person, and it makes you, the recipient of that request feel good because someone is taking an interest in your well being… except, they don’t actually want to know how you are doing. they don’t actually care at all. actually, in many cases, they may even hold on to that information and use it as leverage against you!
oh steve, you are so cynical… yeah, maybe… except in this case i don’t think i really am. i think i am on the money here.
for most of the last year i have been on a journey of reinvention. i have been flipping everything upside down in order to find something, anything at all that might reverse the unhappiness and dissatisfaction i have felt with my life. i have tried everything i can think of and i am not saying no to anything (within reason of course, i’m not going to try heroin for funsies…).
my whole life i have never really shared anything deeply personal, or important, with anyone. feelings have always been internalized and bottled up. so one of the things i wanted to try was to start talking about my feelings more. to open up to people. to trust them. and you know what? it has been mostly an abject failure! with only 2 exceptions, every single person i have opened up to has taken what i have told them and either used it against me in some way, or judged me severely and have subsequently treated me differently.
so… what lessons do i have to learn here? perhaps opening up about how you feel really is not a great idea? maybe it is better to just shut up and keep it all to yourself? what is more selfish, sharing how you feel with someone in hopes they can understand or somehow help you with whatever it is you’re dealing with, or not letting them know anything in order to protect yourself from possible mistreatment? both are incredibly self serving. which is worse?
i’m starting to lean on the side of just keeping your mouth shut.
as said by lisa simpson… “tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth a remove all doubt.”
maybe there is more than an ounce of truth in that.