help

i signed up for online therapy today. i don’t know if i really believe in it or not, but i figured it couldn’t hurt. seeing as i have literally no one else to talk to at this point, i guess it’s something.

i also messaged k8 last night and wrote a comment to her blog post from 2005. she’s probably the only one who i might even feel a little bit comfortable talking to about things. that might have been a mistake. it’s probably been too long since we last talked. i hope my message doesn’t upset her. that’s the last thing i want. although it’s completely unfair for me to expect a response, i really hope i get one anyways. not that i would even deserve it.

it’s m’s birthday today, and as much as i really really really want to send a message, i won’t. i can’t go back there. that’s done. i fucked that up beyond imagination.

play it by ear?

really good jam yesterday, despite y not being there. things are slowly coming together, things are getting tighter, less mistakes being made. j and m only took one 420 break and both were motivated to keep going. i played my heart out as well… i guess i have some demons i need to exercise or something (shocker, right?).

i’m starting to believe in j’s plan that by next summer we’ll be able to play a show.

the other day j said something as well which i thought was interesting. both m and i play by ear. we can’t read music. heck, i can barely read tab and i don’t even think there is tab for drums. j on the other hand relies 100% on tab. so every song we learn, he needs to study and m and i just kind of fuck around until we get it. because of this, j claimed we were superior musicians to him. which is kind of funny, because j has always been one of my musical inspirations/mentors/idol. i’ll take it as a compliment.

anyhow, towards the end of the jam, m pulls out a little thing he’s been fucking around with for a while and holy moly, i fucking love it! pardon the potato recording quality.

little rough still, this was the very first time either j or i played along to it, so there is work to be done for sure. but man oh man, this is something. can’t wait until next weekend to flesh it out more.

i guess i still love her

haven’t really spent as much time caring for her this year… i think this will be only the second wash this summer. i desperately need to decontaminate the paint and the whole drivers side needs polish, last time i was in tremblant the parking garage dripped shit all over the side and it kind of stained clearcoat. thankfully it’s only visible in the brightest of sunlight.

foam canon is a must. if you wash your car at home by hand, get a pressure washer, even if it’s a cheap one, and then get a foam canon. makes all the difference.

she cleans up nice i think…

as annoying to clean as they are, BLQs fuck.

no flames today… it is saturday morning after all. pow pow pow

hi ren

i don’t hear voices. i’m a functional and productive member of society. i am well respected in my industry. i am a mentor to many. i have a family that is thriving. i create things. i have no debt. i am successful. by all measures, i am a fully functional, well adjusted human. at least from the outside.

but fuck me does this ever resonate with me to my core. i listened to this when he released it a year or two ago and really liked it, but didn’t really process it. but now here i am, saturday morning, getting ready for my weekly costco run, listening to this again and every hair on my body is standing on end, my stomach is turning, my heart is pounding… and who the fuck is cutting onions at this hour? jesus christ.

thank you ren. i hope you’re doing ok. i’m working on being ok myself, i’ll get there eventually.

exploring

when was the last time i wrote a whole song? it’s been a while. actually, the last time i really remember writing a whole song, not just little riffs was when i still had my explorer and lived on greene av in that awful apartment where everything went wrong. that’s when my explorer was stolen, along with the bag that had all my notes. damn, that was a long time ago.

i miss that guitar. i should buy another one. or maybe build one. actually that’s not a terrible idea. almost symbolic? ok lets do it.

maybe i’ll document the build here when i get the kit. will very likely need to order a ton of other stuff, i’m sure the tuners, pickups and pots will be the hottest of hot garbage. we’ll seeeeee!

i’m working on something now, Asus2 with a G# diddly thing to Emaj… and then to… something. haven’t figured it out yet. i have the progression in my head, i just can’t quite place it yet. lyrics.. oh man, i have a few ideas, just need to decide on what fits best once i have the rest sorted.

math is hard

it’s always been so easy. maybe too easy. right from day one. there was never a chase, there was never a challenge, there was never any drama. maybe that was a red flag that i missed? no, i don’t think so. easy doesn’t automatically mean bad. does it?

you always knew exactly what you wanted and how to get it. that’s still one of the things i admire about you, even if i do resent you for it sometimes. your laser focus disregards collateral damage.

mistakes and errors happen. it’s normal and it’s ok. doubling down on something that is wrong doesn’t fix anything. repeating your point again, but louder, doesn’t fix anything either.

to be fair, just agreeing to end the conflict doesn’t fix anything either. i’m worried if i change that though it will not end well for either of us. i don’t want to have arguments with you about things you know are wrong.

sometimes you can allow yourself to be happy as well. not everything is a crisis. you don’t have to try fix everything. sometimes it’s ok to just sit in the middle of the chaos and laugh. it’s fine. really!

i know you think the answer is some magic pill. i disagree, but you do you. the only thing i ask is to fucking do it, or stop talking about it. it’s been years now.

i’m saying all of this to get it off of my chest, but i think i stopped caring long ago. you’re not going to change, and neither am i. maybe that’s fine. maybe that’s ok. we each have jobs to do, and honestly, i think we do them better than most. look at the results or our labor, they truly are exceptional.

we’re like an arithmetic problem in which you do all the steps wrong, but still end up with the right answer.