see through

a few comments have been made to me lately by people who don’t know shit that are a little too on the money. am i that see through?

maybe i am.

last night i made a comment i am not proud of. k asked me what i was looking for a 9v battery for, and instead of telling her what i was working on, i just said it was a project of mine and i’m not going to waste my time explaining it because she both would not understand and would not care. she immediately accepted that answer with an “oh… ok.” and then went back to watching TV. but i immediately felt like a bit of an ass the moment the words left my mouth.

that’s not how this should be.

that’s not fair

i don’t know why it’s always like this. sometimes, just sometimes, i want to be the one who gets to be mad. i want to be the one who gets to throw my hands up, say “are you fucking kidding me?”, or even just… vent. instead, she gets upset first, and then all of my frustration just gets swallowed up. gone. poof. because when she’s upset, i have to be the calm one. the “supportive” one. and if not, i am the enemy, the bad guy, the unreasonable one.

like yesterday. she borrowed my car to run errands because hers was in the shop after she once again kind of ignored necessary maintenance…. issues i busted my ass trying to fix the night before and ended up breaking some of my own tools trying to fix, then moving heaven and earth the next morning and twisting my mechanic’s arm to fit me in for an emergency appointment the same day to help make the car safe again. anyhow, while she’s out, i get a phone call, she’s hysterical because she wasn’t paying attention and smashed the front of my car into a curb and broke part of the bumper.

“i didn’t see the curb. your car is too low. it wasn’t my fault.” and then, before i can even say anything, she’s crying her eyes out. and i say phone call, but it wasn’t a phone call, it was a video face time… what the fuck. her upset face is already in full effect, and now i’m stuck. i can’t even be angry, because if i show even a flicker of frustration, i am the bad guy. so what do i do? i say, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it. it’s just a car.” but inside? inside, i’m boiling. why am i now comforting her for breaking my car?

i wanted to be the one to be mad. i wanted to be able to say, “are you serious?” but no. now, it’s all about her feelings. i have to reassure her that i’m not upset, even though i am, because she’s already cornered the market on emotional real estate. the minute she got upset, my frustration didn’t matter anymore.

and this isn’t just about the car. it’s about every time something like this happens. it’s like i’m not allowed to have my own reaction. the second she’s upset, my feelings have to be put on hold so i can take care of hers. i have to be the steady one, the calm one, even though i’m the one standing there with a busted bumper. and when i do try to express that i’m frustrated? she gets even more upset, more defensive, more adversarial, and then it spirals into this whole thing where ultimately i end up comforting her for making me mad.

it’s exhausting. it’s like i’m constantly stuck in this role where i’m supposed to keep the peace, even when i have every right to be pissed off. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not trying to be a jerk about it. i’m not out here looking to start a fight. but would it kill her to just let me be mad for once? to let me ‘win’ this stupid emotional game? to acknowledge, “yeah, i messed up, and it’s okay if you’re angry about it”? instead, i feel like i’m choking down my own feelings just to avoid making hers worse every. single. time.

marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, right? but who’s supporting me when i’m the one frustrated? why do i always have to be the one who swallows my feelings so hers can take center stage?

it’s so frustrating to always feel like i’m on the back burner, emotionally speaking. i don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between being a good partner and being an actual person with actual feelings. i just want to be allowed to be upset when something like this happens, without it turning into me managing her reaction or having to walk on eggshells.

play stupid games, win stupid prizes

there’s this stupid fucking game people play and i hate it. i figured this out when i was 15 and in almost every single relationship since then, it has presented itself in one way or another. the absolute worst part of it, is just because i recognize when it’s happening, doesn’t mean i am immune to it. as soon as someone starts the game, then both people are playing it whether the like it or not.

it’s like a kind of emotional contest where each party has their turn to offer and then counter offer until one person concedes and the game is over until the next round.

oversimplified. imagine it like this:

  • person 1 is sad.
  • person 2, decides that instead of helping person 1, they will make the case that they are indeed the more sad person in need of help.
  • person 1 can then either put their sad aside and help person 2, or double down and make the case they are even sadder than person 2, shifting the focus back to them.
  • lather, rinse, repeat, until someone gives in.

i’ve been forced into and ‘lost’ this game more times than i can count. it’s fucking poison and i hate it. why does it have to be a contest?

—

i see what you’re doing. i don’t know if you’re just picking up on the fact that i am not playing any more or if you saw something not intended for you, but this is not going to work. i know how you think this is going to go down. everything will be rainbows and unicorns and then when you’re feeling secure again, it can all go back to how it was before.

the problem is, you’re not focusing your efforts in the right place. the thing that needs work i don’t think is something you can fix. it’s not you, it’s me. and you can’t fix me, because i am not broken.

i’m done. all i need now is time to process. this is not something i take lightly, and it is not something i want to rush. am i completely certain about anything? of course not. but every day i am more and more sure.

this time, you can’t win the game.

just write

i’ve hit some kind of wall. i have been woefully uninspired to write for a few weeks. i’m not really sure why, it’s as though the previously overflowing feelings and emotions have somewhat subsided, or rather, the source has just become exhausted, or maybe blocked? and now the originally turbulent and rapidly flowing deluge has thinned out to gentle trickle.

i’ve been working on changing my physical appearance to something i like more lately. starting with weight loss, which has been going reasonably well. i still have some work to do in order to reach my goal, but i am confident i can make it by my self imposed deadline. and if i cannot make it in time, i will not give up and consider it a failure, i will just keep trying until i get there. i’ve also been paying a little more attention to my attire. for a long time now it has been zero effort. i just didn’t care. well, screw that. i do care. i purged myself of 2 giant garbage bags worth of old clothing this weekend. and i have purchased for myself a few new items which make me feel good about myself. and i plan on continuing to do so. i am not reinventing myself, just going back to who i used to be a few years back. i’ve also changed my hair cut. not sure on what it will finally end up as, as i still need to grow some out more, but it makes me happy to do so. and then more recently, and most dramatically, i have cut my beard down quite short. shorter than it has been in a decade at least. i like it. reactions from others so far are… interesting. l said he loves it, and gave me a hug. z covered her face and then gave me a reluctant thumbs up. k said she doesn’t like it. c said i look very handsome. a said i look so good. j&k came over last night and they were split on opinions as well. j loves it. he says it took 15 years off me and just looking at me makes HIM feel younger. k thinks it is too short, but said not much else.

all part of some big plan to make lemonade, right?

anyhow… that’s what’s happening right now. i’m sure my creative writing juices will be replenished soon. i the mean time, i will make little updates here and there… and perhaps shitpost a little too.

edit: i almost forgot! last night i cooked a fucking spectacular thanksgiving feast.

unsent letters

i really need to stop visiting that subreddit. it’s sending me into tailspins over and over. it’s filled with the two main themes of my life right now, regret and hope, in a way that is so visceral and so real that my imagination is getting out of control.

is this really the path i am choosing to walk?

i’m not dead

dear blog, i owe you some posts. i’m working on it. i need to finish my munich stuff and then there are a few other things i am working on too. it’s coming.

it’s all in progress, i’m just not feeling the energy. i guess 4 days drinking in prague, 3 days drinking in munich and then getting some kind of cold on the way home will do that.

munich – day 1

oh my…. after a long drive from prague to munich we wasted no time getting our lederhosen on and getting to the theresienwiese. with some truly incredible luck we scored a table at HB. a shit table, but a table none the less.

the consumption which ensued was something else. details are hazy, but I know I was a busy boy drunk texting a (a bit mortified this morning), becoming friends with r and d, getting compliments on my trachten from at least 3 strangers, I also befriended some shady dudes, and helped a very drunk girl back to her hotel.

somewhere along the way we also lost d. A German dude had his phone and brought it to us at the hotel. We assumed he was with d, but no, it was just the phone. D finally showed up at 630 this morning. I guess we’ll find out his story later today.

I need to now find water. Lots of water.