Category: :(

i know you mean well, but you have to understand that this is not an easy thing to talk about. it’s not an easy thing to relive over and over and over. we don’t have that type of relationship where i fully trust you with my most intimate thoughts and feelings. not because i don’t love you, but because that’s just not who we have ever been to each other.

i am already trying my hardest not to cause unnecessary pain to her and the kids. i need to censor myself, i need to stuff away certain thoughts and feelings. i need to be careful and considerate for their sake. it is taking most of my emotional energy to do that. so when you try to insert yourself into a position you have never occupied before, it doesn’t quite work. and honestly, it’s not really welcomed either.

i told you that i am ok, and that i can manage, and that i don’t need anything right now. can you accept that? do i need to make up a false need that you can satisfy in order for you to feel ok about this? or can you just take my word for it that i am ok?

today was spent visiting potential houses that k could purchase. she asked me to go with her as support and another set of eyes. i agreed, but didn’t really think it would be this taxing to be honest. i am burnt out, worn down, exhausted in just about every way.

this morning k was following me from room to room, just making excuses to be there. i go to the living room, she follows and sits on the couch to read. i go to the kitchen to make myself food, she follows and start putting away dishes. i go to the bed room, she follows and starts puttering around with some laundry. i didn’t want to snap at her, so i said nothing, but it was already getting me a little frustrated.

around noon it was time to go visit houses. so now we were together in the same car, and then together going through houses, and then together talking about what was good, what was bad, etc.

all of this proximity has caused certain annoyances that i previously ignored or disregarded to bubble to the surface of my consciousness once more. whether it be how she drives inattentively with atrocious throttle control, the music she listens to which is simultaneously generic and depressing, the expressions she uses which are either cringe or just nonsense, or any number of otherwise insignificant details all now feel like insurmountable and unignorable irritants.

after all of the house visits were done, k then wanted to go visit j&k and tell them what was going on. i really was not up to it but just went along with it anyways. it was awkward. whatever. it’s done now.

i must remain strong. this is a temporary discomfort which will lead to a greater happiness in the future. picking a fight over this won’t help anything. it will just make things worse. so bite your tongue, smile and nod, choose your words wisely.

last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.

sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.

never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.

i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.

i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.

i suppose it was to be expected. there’s a reason why this all happened and that wasn’t going to change. i’m not sure what i had expected.

still, i hope, i wish for, i pray that we can at least find some kind of middle ground to make it through this to the other side without completely hating each other.

i am trying to help you, i know you don’t see it, because all you see right now is how i am hurting you, but if you take a moment and look at what i am doing, what i am saying, you’ll see that i have very much put aside any feelings or emotions or needs or wants that i have right now and i am working only on what you want, save one major exception.

how upside down is that?

and then when you actually use that against me and say things like you did last night before we both went to bed, how am i supposed to react?

it feels like you would actually rather that i start a fight with you. you would rather have me be an asshole, a jerk, a monster to you. i suppose that would make it easier, possibly for both of us, wouldn’t it? but you’re forgetting one thing, one very important thing. if we go to war with each other, the children get stuck in the cross fire. i’m not going to permit that. i am not going to go down that road.

so if that means i need to be on the receiving end of your snide, demeaning, mean or vindictive commentary, so be it. i’ve been able to survive long enough in that environment, i can continue to survive a bit longer.

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.