hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.
you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.
you need to be ok with not being ok.
so many things are held together with flimsy pieces of tape or bubble gum. when it’s all working smoothly it’s barely noticeable, things are happening, things are working, everything is moving forward.
but the moment things started coming apart, a closer scrutiny was needed. a tiny thread was pulled and it started unraveling something bigger which led to another lose bit which flaked off too easily which revealed another part with big rust holes which highlighted another thing which was installed upside down from the factory that in turn revealed a whole bunch of other parts that were out of alignment and slowly the whole thing has become rather overwhelming.
i don’t know how to fix all of this. i’m trying. there are so many things which i am improving. there are so many things which i am repairing. there are so many things which i am rebuilding from the ground up… but every day something new is revealed, a new set of problems, a new issue that can no longer be ignored…
one step forward and two steps back…
i wonder when that will reverse? it will start getting better, right? at some point? all of this effort can’t be for naught.
i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.
perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.
but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.
that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.
that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.
so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.
Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you
-Cassie Philipps
i picked the wrong january to dry january.
things do not feel so great tonight. i’m trying so hard to keep my chin up, to focus on the positive, to think about the future… it’s not quite so easy though.
i don’t need much, but i do need a little bit. i do need something…
tonight feels like i have less than nothing.
i feel like i give and i give and in return, i get taken for granted. i give and i give and then i get asked for more. i give and i give and then i get ignored.
woe is me, i know. i’m sure i am seeing this without considering the efforts someone, somewhere has made towards reciprocity or even the efforts made for my sole benefit. i can’t help that. if i don’t see it, how can i consider it? faith? foolishness? naivety?
so what can i learn from this? what is the lesson here? should i be entirely self sufficient when it comes to my happiness? pardon my french, but that’s a load of shit. we’re social animals. our brains are literally wired for it. affection, companionship, understanding, comfort, love… all of those things are needs. and all of those things require another person.
what i wouldn’t give to be able to hold a hand right now.
18 days into dry january and so far, it hasn’t been particularly challenging. well, that is to say, abstaining from alcohol and cannabis hasn’t been challenging. what is phenomenally challenging however is dealing with good friends who are heavily intoxicated.
that experience has been actually rather upsetting. especially when someone i care about is flirting with self destruction due to consumption.
last night the boys came by to jam, we all had a great time, most of the gang were quite tame. a couple drinks and one 420 break. everyone was feeling good but not wrecked. meanwhile i stuck to redbull, water and 2 corona 0.0% sunbrews (which are actually pretty convincingly corona…)
however j, on the other hand, decided it would be a good idea to guzzle down 4 large cans of high alcohol beer, have 2 healthy glasses of whiskey, eat an inappropriately large amount of psylocibin mushrooms and then top it all of by smoking 2 joints. all in a 3 hour period. to say he was inebriated would be a massive understatement.
i’m worried about him. i really am. i don’t know what to do about it either. i tried telling him, i tried reasoning with him, i tried even guilting him, all of it went completely unregistered. in one ear and out the other. and even worse is that it was followed with a “you don’t understand what i am going through, i need this”…
mother fucker. if there is ANYONE who understands EXACTLY what you are going through right now, it’s me. don’t give me that.
he’s been my best friend for over 30 years and he’s going to kill himself if he continues down this path and i don’t know how to help him.
i hate that it took me leaving for you to change.
i hate that you have changed now that i am leaving.
hey so, do you feel better now? in what world did you think it would be a good idea to sneak up on me and then spy on what i am doing? seriously… best case scenario, you violate my privacy and you’re a shit and you know it. worst case scenario, you’re a shit and you know it AND you see something you don’t want to actually see AND you get caught doing it.
well, i guess we know what happened, huh? and now you’re sitting there all upset in the dark. i’m not going to come console you. that’s done. that’s over. i’m no longer that guy and you can no longer manipulate me like that.
this is like the car all over again. you fucked up, you broke something and now you want me to be the one who is sorry and apologizing?
fuck that. i did nothing wrong.
usually new years is a time for cocktails and appetizers. good music and good friends. a tradition i have tried to maintain for 15 or so years now. this year it was scuppered by the wives of my friend group. apparently because it “would be too much for steve, all things considered.”
uhhh wut?
anyhow, the plans were all discussed and decided upon without my involvement or input, whatever. fine. i don’t really care all that much, it’s just more the WAY this went down that bothers me. if i would have been involved in any capacity and someone asked or suggested doing something else, i would have had zero objections and would have offered to help.
so this year was at j&k’s place, and to be honest, i really did not have a great time.
j decided it would be a good idea to smoke pot, repeatedly, despite the fact that he is on antibiotics for a lung infection. lots of coughing and wheezing ensued along with disgustingly horking loogies all over the fucking place. gross. but apparently it’s ok because he hasn’t smoked a cig in 2 days (this infection has gone on for weeks now…). to make things even more “fun” he also decided it would be a great idea to “microdose” psylocibin mushrooms. except his definition of microdosing is fucking wack. j, m and e all gobbled up at least 1g of of mushrooms each, probably more, i was not partaking nor paying close attention.
this, along with copious amounts of whiskey and beer caused j to transcend from ‘i love you man’ to ‘listen, i have important things to tell you while i put my fucking hands all over your face and just babble gibberish and then i will get mad at you because i make no sense and you are laughing at me, not with me.’
jesus christ. it was too much. i did not enjoy that at all. and the drunken condescension was REALLY something i could do without.
k and c also made it a big point to come see me and with pity in their eyes try to explain that they didn’t choose k over me in this split… they both felt the need to over explain and hug and i don’t even really know. like, i never thought anyone took any sides because there are no sides to take, there is no war. stop trying to make conflict where there is none. what the hell guys?
there were some highlights though. all the kids seemed to have a great time. z, c and s especially had a blast singing karaoke. they sang so many songs that i would never in a million years guessed they would know. rock and alternative hits from the 90’s and 00’s! it was really cute watching and listening to them.
when the ball finally dropped was i think the low point for me though. everyone offering up drunken smooches, and then k and i exchanging uncomfortable glances. eugh. anyhow, we made it through, and i really wanted to call a to wish her a happy new year as well, but that’s when j decided to corner me and start telling me how i didn’t understand the reasons why he wanted to play music, even though i understood perfectly well. by the time i could appease his diatribe it was already way too late and i missed my opportunity. thanks.
i feel like i need to retreat and isolate myself from my friends, but not because i am depressed or something, but because they are acting fucking weird and i don’t have the patience for it.
my family is doing the same thing…
just be normal guys.
anyhow. dry january. who is with me?