prague – day 3

walking tour of the castle and castle grounds today. although very impressive and interesting, I’ve already done this tour a couple times and the fatigue from the day before is really affecting the other guys.

still did about 15k steps of touring with a guide but just after lunch we called it quits, had a few beers and something to eat and then headed back to the apartment to meet up with a (prague a)

the late afternoon was spent in a lovely beer garden where I got seriously lost in my own head for a bit. there was a couple at the table next to us that captivated me. the way she smiled at him, the way he gently touched her hand, the way they laughed together… argh. i couldn’t help but stare and be envious. thankfully they were so focused on each other that the whole world could be staring and they would never have even noticed.

finally when it was time to leave the beer garden we headed out to dinner at a steak house I had been to before. It was just as good as I remembered. Everyone I think thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

as a nightcap we finally relented and brought j to a gentleman’s club. despite my AMPLE warnings about what they are like and what to expect, he still got upset and angry about it. It’s too expensive, they’re too pushy, it’s all fake…

no shit dude. It’s a tourist trap strip club. I fucking told you exactly what would happen, how much it would cost and what to expect the whole time you’re there, and when EXACTLY that happens you get pissy about it? Hahaha gimme a break.

e also couldn’t handle it and faked a work emergency as soon as we got there.

oh well.

on a more positive note, plans to visit a are coming together. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to say much about it and jinx everything though. I’m excited.

prague – day 2

so much… stick to the highlights, steve.

wonderful tour that a took us on. 20k steps around prague. visited a variety of spots, most notable, at least for me, were the anthropoid church and u fleku.

evening was something. j spilled his guts to us. i’m not going to air his dirty laundry, but suffice it to say, he and i have some things in common. i shared some of my secrets in return. i’m not sure how i feel about that this morning. if nothing else, i know m sees me differently now and j pities me. both not things i want. e, despite clearly having something to say, chose not to. i worry that what was said will find its way back to ears it was never intended for. nothing to be done about it now i suppose.

night time was hilariously frustrating. j would not shut up about bringing us all to a gentleman’s club, which i warned him repeatedly were NOT like those back home. yet he insisted relentlessly. we walked around prague 1 for a few hours, walking past several and j repeatedly got cold feet only to announce he ‘knew of a better place’ and then started following google maps in the most drunkenly way possible once more.

in the end, there was shawarma. which was probably for the best 🙂

prague – day 1

note: currently struggling with internet access so this post may be incomplete or just fucking broken until i get this sorted.

it has begun! getting to the airport was… interesting. taxi driver was one hell of a mad lad. speeding, jumping lanes, weaving in and out of traffic, you name the traffic violation, he did it. the cab was also an olfactory violation. i guess on the plus side, i got there in record time!

passed the time chatting with a (thank you!) and then finally when j and m showed up we sailed through security and then hit up the pub for a pleasant afternoon of food and drink. e showed up fashionably late, as is his nature, and then it was 10 hours of maximum discomfort, crammed into a giant metal tube, screaming through the skies. no sleep for me.

arriving in prague could not have gone any better. private transport from the airport, driver had beers waiting for us in the immaculately clean van which whisked us to the apartment we’ll be calling home for the next few days.

the view from the apartment is great!

beers, beers, plum brandy, beers and then more beers.

seeing a (prague a, not the other a) again is great. even though i see him on video conference every day at work, it’s not the same.

we went out for one of his friend’s birthday celebration, not what i was expecting for sure… it was a bunch of people he knew from a long time ago, many of which were quite elderly actually. but it was good anyways! italian restaurant with ridiculous portion sizes.

after eating waaaay too much and drinking another several beers, it was finally bed after i don’t even know how many consecutive hours of no sleep.

just on trips

in 2 days i’m leaving. i’m beyond excited, but trying to contain myself. i can’t even remember the last time i did something like this for just me. i’ve been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit in recent years, but it’s always been for work, or with family. although i am not *alone* on this trip, i am going with a bunch of friends and as such i don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone, or watching what i say or what i do, i can be me. well 99% me. there is always going to be that 1% i have to hold back because reasons. but that’s way better than the 50-100% i have to hold back in other scenarios.

i know j is losing his fucking mind. in a lot of ways, i think we’re going through very similar things right now, but because of the intertwined nature of our lives, we don’t talk about it. which sucks. i wish i could talk to my best friend about everything. anyhow, i know he’s super fucking excited about this trip and he needs it as much as i do.

m is excited, but i think he’s nervous. he has not travelled much at all. in fact, this will be the first time he leaves north america. i am so delighted that he has joined my circle of friends and i am so happy to be the instigator of this experience for him.

e is being his usual self. no excitement, no organization, no nothing. if i didn’t know better, i would assume he doesn’t want to even go. but i do know better, i know him. he doesn’t want to let himself be happy about this until he’s in the moment itself. he’s always been that way. i am really glad he’s joining us.

last night i had a really good talk with a as well. i learned new and important things. things i can’t really do anything about directly, but maybe indirectly i can make some kind of impact on. at least i hope so, because it’s important. also, the plan to achieve a shared goal was started. and i am fucking pumped.

heyyyyy

hey there old friend, where ya been? i thought you had finally abandoned me, but i guess you were just taking a break? you know, i didn’t invite you over. there isn’t an open door policy here. you’re not welcome in my life. i was actually starting to enjoy things again, and then tonight you just show up and ruin it? what gives?

it’s late, i have to work tomorrow. what are you still doing here? you’ve overstayed your welcome. go pester someone else.

who am i kidding? you’re never going to leave me, are you? you’ll always come back just when i least expect it, unannounced and for no good reason. what is it you want this time? you want to tell me about how selfish i am? oh, that’s a fun game. or wait, no, you want to seed my head with doubts about every single interpersonal relationship i currently, or have ever had? fuck yeah! good times. or is it something else tonight? maybe you want to tell me stories about how i am just not good enough, not smart enough, not clever or caring enough? you know, that’s a super interesting topic to discuss too. i can’t wait to explore every detail of that with you.

doubts and second guessing

over the last several months i’ve been questioning a lot of things. i’m discovering things i thought i knew with absolute certainty are not what i thought they were at all. i’m realizing i don’t actually know anything…

thinking and talking about this feels weird. i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i think something so strongly and then a short time later think the exact opposite? how can i be sure that my thoughts and feelings are not just betraying me right now and in another 2 months i’ll revert to my previous state, or maybe another state that i am not even aware exists currently? how can i make any kind of decisions based on this sort of flux?

a said something really interesting about this the other day that has given me a lot to think about. in her professional life she needs to make pretty big and important decisions all the time which can be completely life changing for the people involved. that type of decision making can ruin someone pretty quickly if you don’t have a rock solid method of justifying and coping with it. the way she described it was that she tries to make the best decisions possible, with the information that is currently available, not what might be available in the future. as long as the choices are made in good faith with what data is currently presented, then there can be no remorse, regret, etc… even if it turns out to be an unfortunate result, at least there is solace in knowing that at the time of the choice, the best option was selected.

the saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes to mind as well when thinking about this. so much of what was so fucking real not long ago i see differently now. just re-reading some of my posts here, i can see patterns, i can see errors in judgement, i can see the true motivations behind the lies i tell myself. i wish there was some kind of way to filter all the noise and see just the raw data without all of the emotional cloudiness surrounding it. knowing this about myself makes everything that much more difficult. how can i choose something now, knowing that i can’t really trust my own thoughts? not choosing something is also a choice though, isn’t it? how can i live with that knowing that with all currently available data, it’s not what i want either? i am not making the best possible choice in good faith, i am just living with the status quo because i am scared.

the more i think about it, the more twisted and convoluted it gets. the more i second guess everything. the more i question every single detail. and the deeper i go into this conflictual state of limbo. i don’t know what to do.

SG update 5

i’m sorry, i’ve been slacking on the updates… here’s the last week or so of stuff

wipe on poly is weird stuff… but it does work pretty good. i didn’t have too much trouble with it, which is great considering it was the very first time i had ever used this kind of product.

shine is pretty nice actually, without any wet sand or polish. and it self levels too!

black headstock again, i think this is the only way.

pickups installed. p90’s in a humbucker package.

copper tape everywhere, lots of fiddly soldering.

locking tuners once more, this time i went for slightly more expensive amazon specials. turns out, they’re pretty good.

pickguard installed… i went back and for on this too many times. finally decided fuck it and drilled the holes. no going back now!

there she is. setup needed, but gosh is she ever pretty.

imagining everyone in their underwear doesn’t help.

i have crippling stage fright, performance anxiety, nervousness, whatever you want to call it. there are too many triggers for me to count, but suffice it to say, public speaking is a big one, but so is talking to anyone where i may perceive myself as being in a vulnerable position.

i hate it so much. i didn’t always have this problem, but i don’t really know when, how or why it started either.

it has manifested itself a few times lately and i feel like such a tool because of it. after the fact, upon reflection, there was never cause for this kind of reaction on my part, but in the moment my mind races, my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest, i turn flush, i get sweaty, i panic and forget everything i wanted to say and everything kind of just shuts down. it’s all completely involuntary.

last night i went to a company event where a handful of employees were tasked with presenting certain things. as i watched, i noticed one guy in particular who clearly suffers the very same affliction. he was visibly uncomfortable, stammering his words, repeating himself, getting lost. i could see the sweat forming on his forehead and his face turn red as he was presenting, or trying his best to. all things considered, i think he did a great job, but his very visible reaction stuck with me. is that how others perceive me too? i don’t like that at all…

in doing some cursory research on the topic, i don’t believe there is any magic bullet here other than exposure, practice, and just pushing your way through it. that sounds terrible… i do need to get over this though, for a lot of reasons.