logistics

my writing here has slowed to a snail’s pace. which i think is both good and bad at the same time. i think the main reason is that i have been scratching at a certain itch for so long now that it has become raw and continuing to scratch at it just hurts. i’ve also been very pleasantly distracted as of late which has kind of sucked the need to yell nonsense into the world out of me a bit.

but on the flip side, it’s a little scary to me that so much of my ability to feel ok is dependent on that kind of thing. i mean in some ways it’s amazing and beautiful and all the good things, but in other ways it just highlights that there is something very wrong with me. shouldn’t i just be able to be ok?

are most people just ok on their own? or do most people also need constant attention, affection, interest, companionship, dare i say it, love?

i’m meeting with linda again today. last week when i met with her the fallout was disastrous. i was a god damn mess for days. it didn’t feel good at all. the questions that came up made me feel like the worst person on the face of the planet. i’m worried today will be a repeat. i need to make some progress here. i need to actually figure something out. i need answers so i can come up with solutions.

pick something

it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.

something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?

when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.

around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.

i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.

fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.

listen – long time running

does your mother tell you things
long, long when i’m gone?
who you talking to?
is she telling you i’m the one?

it’s a grave mistake
and i’m wide awake

drive in’s rained out
weatherman wet fingers the sky
he pokes it out, he pulls it in
he don’t know why

it’s the same mistake
it’s been a long time running
it’s been a long time coming
it’s well worth the wait

we don’t go anywhere
just on trips
we haven’t seen a thing
we still don’t know where it is

it’s a safe mistake
it’s been a long time running
it’s been a long time coming
well, well, it’s all the same mistake
dead to rights and wide awake
i’ll drop a caribou
i’ll tell on you, i’ll tell on you
tell on you

you’ve got a boatload of nerve
but i would say you’ve been told
you work me against my friends and you’ll get
you’ll get left out in the cold

it’s the same mistake
it’s been a long time running
it’s been a long time coming
it’s been a long, long, long time running
it’s well worth the wait
it’s well worth the wait
it’s well worth the wait
it’s well worth the wait

SG update 4

glue is holding… starting to look like a guitar!

first stain i bought was supposed to be red, but is most certainly was brown. i almost gave in here and just did it brown. but at the last minute i decided that i couldn’t live with myself if i just gave up on this project and made it brown. so i set back out again to a different store to see what i could find.

definitely more red this time around.

oh my…

the picture is not doing it justice. in real life it looks completely stunning. once i do the little touch ups, and then a few coats of poly, this guitar is going to look pretty amazing.

SG update 2

unlike the explorer, i didn’t wipe anything down with a wet cloth this time. the amount of sanding required increased exponentially due to that. i think the wet cloth trick is either horseshit, or i don’t have the right technique.

once the face was relatively clear, it dawned on me that i REALLY should have tinted the grain filler first. i think had i tinted it black or very dark brown, it would have made the red stain i plan on applying really highlight the grain in a pretty way. instead now the grain will be more red. too late now!

this part was the worst. absolute nightmare. sanding the inside of these horns took longer and burned through more sandpaper than the entire rest of the job.

in the end though, it turned out pretty good. and when i said before the finish felt like glass, well, i was wrong. NOW it feels like glass.

time for the neck. sandy sandy sandy.

grain fill applied.. time to wait.

SG update 1

started work on this guitar last night. the garage was HOT. i think it must have been like 35c in there. and humid as heck too. yuck!

the mess left behind in the garage was thankfully all guitar building mess. so although i should have cleaned up after myself, it works out because i need all the same mess for this build too 🙂

with just a bit of sanding 320 and then 800… this body is already feeling like glass. not sure if i just got lucky or if the unfinished bodies from solo are just higher quality wood, but i’m impressed.

grain is not too bad. the plan is to stain it cherry red. only one slight discoloration by the bridge. the seam between the different chunks of wood is also somewhat noticeable and nor exactly straight, but with all the hardware installed i’m hoping that won’t be too noticeable.

grain filling… gonna let it completely harden and then sand dry this time instead of what i did with the explorer when i wiped it down with a wet rag first before sanding. not sure which method will work better, but i wasn’t satisfied with the outcome of the explorer so we’ll see how this goes.

watch – true romance

god i love this movie. dug it out from the old pile of dvds and watched it this morning, because of course it’s only streaming on the one service i don’t subscribe to. haha probably for the best anyways, i have the unrated director’s cut on dvd, which is the far superior version, right? this of course is a random youtube rip of it. not sure which version it is.

the love story between clarence and alabama just fucking kills me every. single. time. that imaginary kind of love. gah. too much. too too much. so good.