got most of the bits, pieces, doodads and doohickeys i need to get started today. i also decided on the finish i want to do, but i’m not telling what it’s going to be just yet. you’ll need to wait and see. i think it’s a bit of a risky move, but i’m doing it anyways. if it turns out how i am imagining it, it’s going to be amazing! alright, lets gooooo!
step 1. sand everything.
step 1. find somewhere to do the sanding.
step 1. clean up the garage.
argh! the back of my garage, which also serves as my workshop is, funny enough, about as clean and clear as my mental state these days! it’s a dump zone and it has been for a few years now. for fucks sake. it’s completely out of control. i gotta clean this shit up.
i swear i am not a hoarder.
guitar build might have to go on hold for a couple days while i deal with this. what a fucking disaster. how did i ignore this for so long?!
i really should get started right now, but i’m too discouraged to even think about tackling this mess tonight. it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.
many times at work when working on a project, troubleshooting an issue or reviewing someone else’s game plan for the same i get this feeling that i’m missing something which will cause major problems for no apparent reason, or that there is imminent danger if i continue on that approach because i am working based on false assumptions or information. it regularly leads me to make decisions based on ‘gut feel’. more often than not, i’m right to do so and quickly discover a seemingly unrelated issue that would otherwise be a showstopper with the current plan. and even if i’m not necessarily right, then at least one potential cause of failure gets ruled out for certain. risk vs reward is always in my favor, because the worst possible outcome is that i will have spent a bit of time double checking something that is fine. so the only thing ‘wasted’ is a bit of time.
the same cannot be said for things that happen outside of work. i have the same feelings, the same impending doom predictions, or that the story is wrong, or even what the truth really is that no one is willing to admit… but it is so much harder to address it because fixing things sometimes means breaking things first. when you break something with people, unlike a line of code or a configuration setting, there is no undo, there is no revert, there are no backups you can restore.
e, years ago when you had your crisis, i knew your story was a complete fabrication, and i know what the truth was. but you sold a story to everyone and i went along with it. you’ll never read this, but i knew the truth, because i know you. it’s ok, i’ve been there too.
j, i know you know. and i know you know that i know that you know. we’re never going to talk about it, but i know.
z, stop it. you think i don’t know what’s happening? of course i do. i wish we could talk about it. we’re more alike than you know. i think i could help you, or if nothing else, we could be miserable together and you would not need to do it alone. then again, if i were in your shoes, i would probably do the same. actually, i did do the same. so i guess i can’t blame you.
m, i see you. (edit: phrasing? re-reading this it sounds incredibly creepy, jesus christ. that was not my intent, i don’t actually see you.)
and last but not least, k… i’ve messed up so many things, i don’t even know what to think any more. but for a while my spidey senses have been literally on fire and all i want to do is talk to you about it because i know there is something, but i am terrified to find out and i am terrified that it likely is a cat which can never be put back in the bag.
so i guess i will just go with the flow, and wait to see what happens next, like i always do because i’m too much of a chicken to rock the boat.
slightly different format today. instead of individual songs, today is about a band in general because i simply cannot pick one song. these guys are in the apartment next door to dashboard confessional in my heart.
i guess to make it a little more digestible, perhaps i can narrow things down to one album in particular, Talon of the Hawk.
something about the simplicity of their music, brian’s limited yet effective vocal capacity, and the subject matter of their lyrics just gets me every time. like seriously, sometimes i listen to this album and the only thoughts going through my head circle around to various permutations of “are you me?”
i wrote a little blurb for each one, but after re-reading it, i’ve decided to instead just post the songs and let you experience it all for yourself without any color commentary.
oh, and yes, their band name is a deliciously self deprecating reference to vaginas.
tabarnak. last night was great, but oh boy am i ever paying for it this morning.
j&k, m&j2, you are good people. i’m happy to count you as friends. j2 i am sorry you are perpetually the asshole, but at least m got to be prez this time! for one round anyways lol. and thank you so much for hosting, cooking, cleaning. most of that is usually my job, so taking a break from it felt great, also everything was delicious!
there was a lot of reminiscing tonight as well. j&k and i share a lot of history… i mean, j has been my best friend since we were like 13 or 14 years old. and i’ve been friends with k for just about as long too. we all used to live together too at one point. man, we had some good times.
band today. i don’t know if i am going to make it. at least i know j and m are going to be in similar boats after last night.
i think we might play some more of our own stuff today, or at least i am going to suggest that. last night m was pumped to show us some things he was working on, and also was strangely motivated by something i wrote when we first started this, played it once or twice and then discarded it. i thought no one liked it, but i guess it just needed to ferment a little.
in this house there is a long standing affinity for couch sleeping that i do not understand.
without fail, there will be someone on the couch every night of the week. i’m the only one who does not partake in this bizarre ritual. to be fair, z doesn’t do it that often any more either. but the other 2… every night.
i kind of understand why the boy does it. when he was younger, it was a fear thing. scared of the dark. the living room is right next to mom and dad’s room, unlike his bedroom which is all the way up the stairs. now, it’s a little different. we don’t live close enough to his friends that he can ride his bike or walk there, and the public transit system here is not exactly convenient either, not that that option is even on the table at this age, so his lifeline to his friends is largely through videogames. the xbox is in the living room and to ensure exclusive access to it as soon as day breaks, what better option is there than to be in the living room, monopolizing the couch before anyone else wakes up? as the one who is always up first, it is quite frustrating to not be able to enjoy my morning coffee in the living room, but i can respect the hustle.
k on the other hand… i don’t get it. why? it’s not comfortable, not by a longshot. it’s not dark, it’s not quiet, you end up being awake as soon as anyone else gets up. then you end up being miserable all day because of miscellaneous aches and pains and lack of sleep. so what is the appeal? i struggle to not take it personally sometimes.
when i was younger, my dad used to sleep on the couch a lot too. my parents never really talked about that, but it was around the time he left and went to Florida for a few months, leaving the rest of us behind. the story, or at least as much as i can remember, is that he went to look for a job and a house, and the plan was to relocate us all once he found everything.
that never ended up happening of course, and he eventually came back. as a kid, i never questioned any of it. why would my parents lie to me, right? but now, being much older and wiser (lol) i really wonder how much truth there was to that story, if any at all?
i’ve been posting lists of songs with no context. maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s the 2 rebulls and 2 coffees i’ve had, but right now i am motivated to write, and i’m thinking maybe i should explain why i have posted each and every one of these songs. because each one has a story and/or deeper meaning. at least for me.
i really want to stay at your house is from the original soundtrack of Cyberpunk 2077 released in december 2020, written and performed by let’s eat grandma, but credited to rosa walton and hallie coggins. it’s song from a video game i have been following since its very first teaser was released over a decade ago. it’s set in night city a fictional near future dystopian metropolis, and based on the original ttrpg by mike pondsmith from the late 80’s early 90’s.
as a teenager, cyberpunk and shadowrun were my obsession. mostly cyberpunk. i still have the original rulebooks somewhere here as well as a folder filled with character sheets and campaign settings. something about the whole near future distopia with corporate greed and cybernetic body modifications mixed with ultra violence just set my mind on fire. to be honest, it still does. i love movies, tv shows, videogames, anything set in a similar type of scenario. it’s so hopeless, depressing and unfair and yet so ridiculously lucrative to those who figure out how to play the game. imbalance is everywhere and if you’re on the wrong end of the seesaw, it’s game over choom.
but this isn’t a review of Cyberpunk the ttrpg, nor is it an analysis of Cyberpunk 2077 the game, instead, this is about my connection to this song, and although it was definitely a jam in the game driving through the streets of night city, it really cemented itself in my soul when i watched Edgerunners on netflix.
if you haven’t seen it yet, then stop here, go watch it.
no for real. stop reading this and go watch it.
i don’t care if you don’t like anime. i don’t care if you don’t like the premise. none of that matters, because what Edgerunners does is tell an amazing and ultimately crushing story that will absolutely make you feel something. if it doesn’t leave you struck with intense feelings of despair, emptiness, unfairness, sadness, depression even, then you just might not be a human.
and this song is the god damn crescendo of it all. it’s the ptsd trigger that gives you flashbacks. it fucking kills you all over again every. god. damn. time.
david, lucy, rebecca, maine, dorio, pilar, kiwi, hell even faraday are all so relatable it’s scary. the studio that did it, trigger, are masters at making you feel a connection to the characters (watch delicious in dungeon). at least for me, the relationship between lucy and david in particular broke me. like grown ass man sitting on the couch crying watching a cartoon broken.
this scene in particular affected me in ways i cannot even put into words. i don’t know if it was just being so immersed that i felt what david must have been feeling, if it was something i wanted to experience for myself again, if it was just remembering past loves, or maybe something else entirely, regardless, all the feels. you hear me? all of them!
and then when the song plays again at the end of the series… i’m dead. fucking dead.
so, i’m telling you. watch it. you won’t regret it. or actually, you probably will, but you’ll thank me for it anyways.
edit: i forgot to mention, lucy > rebecca. fight me.
mixed feelings… i did ultimately decide to change therapists and not wait for my originally assigned one. the platform does make it very easy. 2 clicks and you have a variety of new options. you can see their profiles and specialties, their upcoming availabilities and reviews. i picked someone whose specialties lined up with what i think i need and had decent availabilities.
i chose to do a chat session, though there are options for video call and phone call. something about chatting just feels a little safer/easier. session started only a few minutes late, and i was informed ahead of time that there would be a slight delay.
the chat session itself had one thing from a technical standpoint that REALLY threw me off. it’s live typing. like you can see what is being typed as it is being typed. as someone who regularly writes something, reads it back, deletes it and writes it again about a million times for each and every thing i write, this was a total mind fuck. i found myself really having to think hard about what i was going to write before just writing it. at first, i really didn’t like it. but then i decided to just go with it and just let things happen as they happened and in the end it was fine. i guess it forced me to be a little more honest and a little less calculating. how fucking demented is that? i would normally delete what i just wrote there, but no. i’m leaving it. fuck it.
so, tech issues aside, this first session is almost word for word, exactly what i expected. which the cynic in me was screaming ‘see?? you knew what was going to happen. you already know what you need to do. stop being a bitch and do it.’. i’m trying to silence that voice and trust the process though. because it’s not that easy and you know what, this person just met me, i am paying them money, of course they will want to build rapport and trust. of course they are going to offer words of encouragement. of course they’re going to make this as pleasant as possible to start. do i really want any different? am i some kind of masochist or something and secretly want someone to tell me i’m a shit? am i? no… i don’t think so. i don’t know. whatever. shut up.
so next appointment is booked. at the end the therapist encouraged me to write about how i am feeling and tried to over explain that and how to do it. i did giggle a little inside and offered a warning ‘be careful what you wish for’. told them i had already been doing that in a blog right now and have a history of writing going back many many years. i don’t think i will share this place though and will instead stick to the journal system inside the platform.
sleep depravation is pretty rough today i have to admit. a couple of nights sleep really resets your tolerance for it. i think i am going to try take the afternoon off work, consume of the devils lettuce and then try to pass the f out.
body looks good, grain is not pretty. will need sanding, sealer and paint for sure. color? i’m thinking yellow? orange? mint green? or maybe i’ll do stickerbomb? i dunno yet.
neck is… well… it needs a bit of work, but nothing i can’t handle. back bow is minor, hopefully the truss rod works. frets need leveling, like across the board. needs sanding, sealer and probably 1000 coats of poly. but i can make that happen easy enough. need ideas for a logo to put on the headstock.
hardware is surprisingly not as terrible as i was expecting. i’m probably gonna order a set of locking tuners and new pickups anyways, but the rest is actually fine. i may even try these pickups first and see, maybe they sound good?
