Author: xen6

once is happenstance, twice is coincidence…

i slept again last night. like the whole night. my alarm woke me up and i even snoozed it. i am so confused.

i’m incredibly thankful to have the relief that sleep brings, but i am worried about why after like a month of insomnia this has suddenly changed.

talking to you, is obviously the first thing that comes to mind. i’m really trying not to fuck that up because talking to you does make me happy and i don’t want it to stop, i also actually do care about your feelings as well and don’t want to hurt them. but i can barely trust my judgement and thoughts lately.

am i actually doing something helpful and healthy right now, or am i just digging a bigger hole and convincing myself otherwise?

i like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.

more potato quality… for a guy who pretty much has a recording studio in his basement, i really fucking slack on using it. anyhow, recorded on my pc using a blue snowball. whatever, it’s fine for a work in progress. same little thing i was working on the other day. i’m happy with the next progression, even though i played it poorly. not sure if it will remain acoustic only or if i will switch to electric and add drums and bass. we’ll see. still need to work out some more parts.

i haven’t decided on what this will be about. i think it still needs to crystalize a little in my head. i have some ideas.

what a mess

jesus christ. what a mess. it’s amazing what a single night of sleep can accomplish. i feel like i’ve been having a manic episode or something. looking back at the last couple weeks i barely recognize myself. what am i doing? what have i done? bruh… get it together.

today was actually good. i woke up pretty upset, but threw myself into work and the distraction was something i think i really needed. escapism much? sure. but is that really so bad if it gives you a much needed break allowing you to then return to the problem with fresh eyes?

‘the problem’… lol fuck me… bwahahahahaha! ok that was not intentional, it just came out.

seriously though. what the heck am i supposed to do now?

am i just doing it again?

and in today’s episode of steve blurting things out before thinking them through and then probably regretting it later…

i slept soundly last night for the first time in like a month. as good as it felt, i woke up this morning feeling… i don’t know, scared? upset? worried? disappointed? angry at myself? i’m not even sure, but it wasn’t good.

ok, i’m just going to say it… i’ve been unhappy for a long time. lately it’s been pretty bad and i have been doing some things i’m really not proud of. a lot of it seems to be about love, attention, affection, intimacy, things like that. something that i feel i am missing in my life. i looked in so many of the wrong places to find it, and i made things weird for some people. it’s made me think a lot about a lot of things i didn’t want to think about. and i think maybe i’m doing it again.

i reached out to you for a lot of reasons. i’ve never been happy about how things ended. i regret how i treated you. i miss talking to you. i have so many, life changing, good memories in my head associated to you. i think part of me never got over you either… also, the last time i felt this way was when i first met you and you made the bad go away. but fuck you steve. that’s not fucking fair and you can’t expect the same things now. seriously, FUCK YOU. you’re a selfish prick. asshole. i wish i could punch you in the fucking face right now.

one email is all it took, and then suddenly my outlook on everything seemed less hopeless. one email and i was able to sleep again. one email and everything that’s happened in the last few weeks suddenly snapped into clarity.. and shame.

but that’s not right. am i just doing it again but placing this shit on you? i don’t know. i don’t want that to be it. please don’t let that be it. please let me have the courage to talk to you about this. please don’t judge me too harshly. please don’t be weirded out or disgusted by my actions. please be a friendly ghost from my past who can help me make sense of all this and find healthy ways to get past it.

thank god i’m fully booked at work today, i don’t think i could handle being alone with my thoughts right now.

i just want to be your sweet heart

when i removed a bunch of posts a few days ago, one of them included this song. i didn’t want to take it down, but i wrote some stuff that really i should have kept to myself and didn’t feel good about leaving it out there. but this song is still important to me.

so… take two.

for me, this song really embodies the feeling of limerence, obsession, infatuation, love addiction. feeling something so strongly for someone who, realistically, doesn’t even know you exist. so much so that you’re willing to humiliate yourself, subject yourself to any amount of suffering, debasement and degradation, just to get that hit of dopamine from the slightest bit of attention.

it’s a delusion, and it’s harmful. it hurts. and yet you can’t help it, and you do it willingly.

eugh.

reconnection?

you replied. i can barely believe it. i hope so so much that there will be some kind of rekindling of friendship. i seriously can’t think of anyone else in the entire world who i would want this from more. wait… that’s not fair. i can’t put this on you. this is not your problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. i still hope though. i hope so much. too much.

i told you i started blogging again knowing that might trigger some kind of nostalgic response in you. fuck… i’m an asshole. why did i do that? arg…

i know you’re going to ask, and i want to tell you so fucking badly. i don’t know if i can. i don’t know if i should. if i don’t then why did i even mention it in the first place?

maybe i should have let sleeping dogs lie.

god, i’m an idiot.

better help review – part 1

so far, not impressed.

sign up has you go through a whole slew of questions, many of which, at least for me, don’t have a definitive answer, or the answers they provide don’t really apply or aren’t quite right. on it’s own though, that’s not a deal breaker, i mean i get it, you have to start somewhere, right?

the part that kind of soured it for me at the start is how after spending a good 20 minutes answering questions, you are then hit with the payment screen. at this point you’re invested, you’ve committed time to answer truthfully and from the heart, at least for me i was feeling pretty vulnerable… so when the payment option comes up it felt like a slap in the face.

i am not trying to say it should be free or anything like that, far from it. it’s just the way that the site does it makes it feel predatory almost.

the billing model is weird. they give you the weekly price, but then say it’s billed every 4 weeks, so why not just make it a monthly price? there are a metric fuckton of youtubers pushing this platform right now so discount codes are abundant. i chose a fellow canadian i really like as my referrer, thanks @Julie Nolke! got a few bucks off, so in the end just shy of 400 CAD for the month.

Once in the platform, you need to answer more questions, and then wait for a match to a therapist. they say it could take 24/48 hours, but i was matched in just about an hour or so.

unfortunately, the person i was matched to was about to go on holiday or something? so their first availability is only next week. ehhhhh…..

so remember the weird billing model? if that’s a 2 way street, then i am now paying 1 week to wait. really?

anyhow, we’ll see how this works out. in the meantime i am checking out the rest of the platform. yesterday i explored the journaling system which allows you to write whatever you want, they offer various prompts to help inspire you or get you started. you can attach a feeling to the entry and you also have the option to share it with your therapist. seems pretty well thought out and has all the functions and features you could expect. i made an entry, but decided not to share it with my therapist just yet, i’m not even certain i will stay with this one and wait the week. apparently one of the features of better help is that you can change any time, so maybe i’ll try that.