Author: xen6

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

agony

last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.

sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.

never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.

i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.

i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.

once again i am not permitted to react or have feelings of my own because you consume all the air in the room.

i suppose it was to be expected. there’s a reason why this all happened and that wasn’t going to change. i’m not sure what i had expected.

still, i hope, i wish for, i pray that we can at least find some kind of middle ground to make it through this to the other side without completely hating each other.

i am trying to help you, i know you don’t see it, because all you see right now is how i am hurting you, but if you take a moment and look at what i am doing, what i am saying, you’ll see that i have very much put aside any feelings or emotions or needs or wants that i have right now and i am working only on what you want, save one major exception.

how upside down is that?

and then when you actually use that against me and say things like you did last night before we both went to bed, how am i supposed to react?

it feels like you would actually rather that i start a fight with you. you would rather have me be an asshole, a jerk, a monster to you. i suppose that would make it easier, possibly for both of us, wouldn’t it? but you’re forgetting one thing, one very important thing. if we go to war with each other, the children get stuck in the cross fire. i’m not going to permit that. i am not going to go down that road.

so if that means i need to be on the receiving end of your snide, demeaning, mean or vindictive commentary, so be it. i’ve been able to survive long enough in that environment, i can continue to survive a bit longer.

empathy?

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.

progress of sorts

i wrote you a long letter spelling out everything because talking to you about it was getting nowhere. every time i started, one of us would start to get emotional and then it just would no longer be productive. but then last night we managed to talk a little bit and, for the most part, keep our heads.

i am really encouraged by the steps forward you seem to have taken. i know this is a bit of a nightmare and for you it is very sudden, like a bomb going off in your hands, but you have to understand that for me, this is not a bomb, but a slowly simmering fire that has been burning for years now. i’m sorry if i seem less affected, i assure you i am just as invested as you are, i have just built up a few more defenses against the hurt.

there is still so much more to do, i do not expect it to happen over night, but if we can keep inching forward, i think we can both get to a place where we can start healing soon enough.

i am glad that we agree the next step is to sit down and crunch some numbers so we can have a bit of a game plan and then talk to the kids. i know we can do this.

baby steps

although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.

i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.

last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.

i’m the bad guy

the first night was confusion, sadness. that was hard. but last night was sadness and anger. last night was laying blame and directing it on me. last night was about justifying your own behavior so that you can be the innocent victim. last night took my heart and ground it into the dirt. i know it is only going to get worse, but i have not become numb yet, so this is still so very difficult.

i have to maintain my composure, i can’t give in to this conflict. i have to do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, that this ends on good terms. it’s important.

i will not go to war, i will not use my children as weapons, i will not lay blame or vilify anyone. i will be the bad guy if that’s what you need me to be. i will listen to you tell me how awful of a person i am and not argue. i will take it in when you tell me i am destroying everything and that i am being selfish so that you feel blameless. i will not fight back. i know you’re angry. i understand. i’m sorry that you’re angry. i would like to promise you that it will all be ok, but i don’t know that it will be. in the meantime, you can hate me if it makes you feel better. i owe you that much.

asshole

i keep trying to remind myself of why and how i got here and it makes sense for a minute, but that minute is fleeting. that minute is quickly replaced by panic and guilt. that minute is squashed by anger and frustration targeted directly at me. that minute is wiped out by fear and by the worry that i have doomed myself and those around me to pain and sadness.

it hurts. and i know i am hurting her too. and i am about to hurt them. all because of what? why the hell did i think this would be better? what the fuck man? boo hoo, you’re not happy. who CARES?! who says you deserve happy? especially after this, you think you deserve happy? you’re BREAKING someone you care about. what the hell even is happy for you anyways? you did this to yourself and you fucking know it. and now others are going to suffer because of you. idiot.

you fucked everything up and you deserve whatever is coming your way. stop trying to find a sympathetic ear, you won’t find one, you don’t deserve one, go fuck yourself.

i’m sorry

i told k last night that i was unhappy with our relationship, that i feel like it is broken and not reparable, and that i have felt this way for a long time. i told her i do still love her, i am not angry and i don’t want to fight but we should end things.

i thought there was going to be some kind of feeling of relief. i thought there might be some kind of positive aspect despite the very sad and upsetting reality of the situation. i thought i might feel hopeful, at least a little bit…

instead all i feel is guilt, shame, sadness, self hatred even. it’s worse today than it has ever been. i feel like now instead of just feeling pain in my head and heart, i have inflicted pain on other people i care about and it is just amplifying what my own emotions are.

i want to take it all back and just live with all that pain myself, alone, forever. i don’t want to cause this hurt for other people.

this is not what i was expecting. i don’t know what to do.