Category: <3

Okay.

i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.

perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.

but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.

that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.

that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.

so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.

Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you

-Cassie Philipps

how am i supposed to sleep?

things do not feel so great tonight. i’m trying so hard to keep my chin up, to focus on the positive, to think about the future… it’s not quite so easy though.

i don’t need much, but i do need a little bit. i do need something…

tonight feels like i have less than nothing.

i feel like i give and i give and in return, i get taken for granted. i give and i give and then i get asked for more. i give and i give and then i get ignored.

woe is me, i know. i’m sure i am seeing this without considering the efforts someone, somewhere has made towards reciprocity or even the efforts made for my sole benefit. i can’t help that. if i don’t see it, how can i consider it? faith? foolishness? naivety?

so what can i learn from this? what is the lesson here? should i be entirely self sufficient when it comes to my happiness? pardon my french, but that’s a load of shit. we’re social animals. our brains are literally wired for it. affection, companionship, understanding, comfort, love… all of those things are needs. and all of those things require another person.

what i wouldn’t give to be able to hold a hand right now.

hey you, where did you go?

can i even ask you that? i mean, you don’t owe me any explanations or anything, but still… i kind of would like to know just the headlines? busy at work, family emergency, getaway with friends, romantic escapade… like… all of these are possible, so are a million other things… can you point me in a direction?

here’s the problem, and when i say “the” problem, i really mean “my” problem, but i am making it your problem too through association, sorry.

i overthink every-fucking-thing.

seriously. every single interaction i have with anyone, ever, i overthink it. i make up countless imaginary scenarios in my head. i worry about all kinds of things which are based on absolutely nothing. i stay up all night replaying conversations in my head, analyzing every detail. taking something at face value is just about impossible for me. i second guess everything. i often get so caught up in that that i actually completely miss what is actually going on, and end up fumbling the whole interaction completely.

and you know what the most fun bit of all that is? the more someone means to me, the more i overthink every interaction.

so… yeah. where are you? what happened? please tell me because i am slowly making myself crazy over here.

limbo

the last little while has felt very much like everything is in limbo or stasis. at least for me, nothing is moving in any direction. it’s as though there is a traffic jam.

you know when there is an accident on the highway, but one that happens in such a way that it does not block traffic at all, like when a car slides off the road and into a ditch, or if the force of the accident knocks all involved vehicles onto the shoulder? when those types of accidents happen, the road is clear, yet a traffic jam forms anyways, or more specifically a traffic knot. everyone slows down as they pass the accident to gawk at it. which causes the vehicle behind them to also slow down, which then causes the next one in line to slow down and so on. this traffic ripple can end up going back for miles in some cases, and what makes it worse is that each car that passes the accident slows down again and causes their own ripple or knot.

there’s nothing you can do when this happens, you just need to wait and be patient, and then, even though it makes almost no difference in the grand scheme of things, when it is your turn to pass the accident, don’t slow down, keep going, don’t cause a ripple yourself. or do, for you it doesn’t matter so much anymore, because once you pass the accident, you’re in the clear. so i guess it depends on how selfish or altruistic you are at that point.

i feel like i am in a traffic jam right now. i know what my destination is, i know what i want, i have my bags packed, the car is loaded, i checked that the stove was off and i left some lights on to make it look like someone was still home. i put the coordinates into the gps, i made sure i had a full tank of gas, i checked the oil, tire pressures and windshield washer fluid. i even left a little early… yet i still got stuck in traffic and there is nothing i can do about it.

i would be lying if i said this was not frustrating and that i was not getting impatient, but there is nothing really i can do. unless i decide to break the law and drive on the shoulder, or off in the field next to the highway. if i attempt to do that though, i risk damaging my car even more and possibly not making it to my destination at all.

so i must be patient. i must sit in this traffic and try to make the best of it. i need to listen to some good music, i need to clear my thoughts, i need to observe the world around me and try to learn from it while i am here. i need to rest. i need to take some deep breaths. i’m going to make it eventually, i just need to be patient and wait for the cars ahead of me to pass by this accident.

here for you

i see the weight you softly bear,
though you’ve not spoken what is there.
no need for words, no need to say,
i’m here for you in every way.

a quiet light, a steady flame,
no questions asked, no need for name.
just know, when clouds obscure your view,
there’s someone here who cares for you.

take all the time you need to mend,
i’ll be your calm, your quiet friend.
for all i wish, in heart and part,
is peace to find your precious heart.

the quiet between us

i know why you didn’t answer,
why your words hang heavy in the air,
a quiet void that speaks volumes.
i told you it was fine—
and it is,
but the weight presses harder each moment
you choose not to speak.

please, just say it.
tell me, and let the truth cut clean.
better the sharp sting of honesty
than this slow bleed of uncertainty,
where i play the clown,
masking my questions with trembling smiles,
only to crumble in the silence
that follows me home.

you are allowed to change your mind.
you can call this too much,
too fast,
or too wrong.
you can say it was a mistake—
a fleeting shadow of something
that was never meant to grow roots.
it will hurt, yes.
but i would bear it.
just fucking tell me.

or am i wrong?
is this silence your shield,
a fortress of fear or doubt,
because trust has its limits
and you can’t let me in?
is it easier to leave me grasping at shadows
than to risk being seen,
raw and unguarded?

i don’t like this game,
this guessing,
this limbo.
speak, or don’t—
but know i am unraveling
in the quiet between us.

the love i crave

i want to lose myself in your eyes,
i need your voice to calm my skies.

i want to tell you every thought,
i need your truths, both cold and hot.

i want to feel your soul laid bare,
i need to know your wounds, your care.

i want your words, unfiltered, raw,
i need your love without a flaw.

i want to share my every scar,
i need you close, no matter how far.

i want no games, no fear, no doubt,
i need us both to just pour out.

i want no rules, no script to choose,
i need the space to make our rules.

i want a song that only we know,
i need a tune that lets our love grow.

i want each note to pull us near,
i need your voice, the music i hear.

i want the courage to leap, to trust,
i need the kind of love that’s just us.

i want a rhythm we can create,
i need a love that bends to fate.

just say it.

i’m terrified to admit it, even here in this private place. writing out the words that express how i feel seems impossible. paralyzing even.

whether i confess or not, whether i write it down or say it aloud, the feelings and thoughts are there. i know this, and yet, i am still scared to write it down, as if writing it will somehow change things.

but maybe, just maybe, it will change something? maybe i need to put it out there and let the words previously only in my head take their own place in the world? maybe i also need to tell you explicitly, even though i thought it was obvious. perhaps it isn’t.