although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.
i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.
last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.
the first night was confusion, sadness. that was hard. but last night was sadness and anger. last night was laying blame and directing it on me. last night was about justifying your own behavior so that you can be the innocent victim. last night took my heart and ground it into the dirt. i know it is only going to get worse, but i have not become numb yet, so this is still so very difficult.
i have to maintain my composure, i can’t give in to this conflict. i have to do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, that this ends on good terms. it’s important.
i will not go to war, i will not use my children as weapons, i will not lay blame or vilify anyone. i will be the bad guy if that’s what you need me to be. i will listen to you tell me how awful of a person i am and not argue. i will take it in when you tell me i am destroying everything and that i am being selfish so that you feel blameless. i will not fight back. i know you’re angry. i understand. i’m sorry that you’re angry. i would like to promise you that it will all be ok, but i don’t know that it will be. in the meantime, you can hate me if it makes you feel better. i owe you that much.
i keep trying to remind myself of why and how i got here and it makes sense for a minute, but that minute is fleeting. that minute is quickly replaced by panic and guilt. that minute is squashed by anger and frustration targeted directly at me. that minute is wiped out by fear and by the worry that i have doomed myself and those around me to pain and sadness.
it hurts. and i know i am hurting her too. and i am about to hurt them. all because of what? why the hell did i think this would be better? what the fuck man? boo hoo, you’re not happy. who CARES?! who says you deserve happy? especially after this, you think you deserve happy? you’re BREAKING someone you care about. what the hell even is happy for you anyways? you did this to yourself and you fucking know it. and now others are going to suffer because of you. idiot.
you fucked everything up and you deserve whatever is coming your way. stop trying to find a sympathetic ear, you won’t find one, you don’t deserve one, go fuck yourself.
i told k last night that i was unhappy with our relationship, that i feel like it is broken and not reparable, and that i have felt this way for a long time. i told her i do still love her, i am not angry and i don’t want to fight but we should end things.
i thought there was going to be some kind of feeling of relief. i thought there might be some kind of positive aspect despite the very sad and upsetting reality of the situation. i thought i might feel hopeful, at least a little bit…
instead all i feel is guilt, shame, sadness, self hatred even. it’s worse today than it has ever been. i feel like now instead of just feeling pain in my head and heart, i have inflicted pain on other people i care about and it is just amplifying what my own emotions are.
i want to take it all back and just live with all that pain myself, alone, forever. i don’t want to cause this hurt for other people.
this is not what i was expecting. i don’t know what to do.
another early morning. 3 am i was up, not able to sleep any more. 4 am i got out of bed. 5 am i made a coffee… and now 6 am i am here writing.
i had a good conversation with my therapist yesterday. she said something which i haven’t been able to stop thinking about when i was talking to her about making this choice. i told her what my options were, to either accept what i have and make the best of it, or change everything with the hopes of finding something more fulfilling… and she asked me, well, no, actually she kind of told me that if i chose option 1, with everything she had learned about me so far, it would only be a matter of time before my heart started overpowering my brain once more.
it took me a minute to understand what she was saying, but ultimately it did process, and i think she’s right. i can pretend everything is ok, i can even try to make things better, but i cannot undo any of the past and it will always be there. if i cannot live with that, then i cannot live with that. and i think i have reached the point where i cannot live with that.
so, that’s scary.
i wanted to talk to k about it last night, but she was not feeling well and i chickened out. i don’t want to go to war. i don’t want trouble. i just want everyone to have a chance at happiness. so bringing this up again when she’s in pain is not a good idea, right? am i just making excuses and avoiding it… maybe…
maybe today i will have the courage to do it.
i’ve been up, on and off, since 2am. this seems to be my new pattern now. falling asleep from exhaustion and then, just as my batteries charge up enough to reboot, my brain turns back on and sleep is once again an impossibility.
i kind of prefer the alternate version of insomnia that i used to have, when i just could not actually fall asleep until very late (or early depending on your perspective) but then would sleep soundly until my alarm went off. at least then i was semi productive at night. this new version of insomnia leaves me a zombie for hours and hours on end, just staring at the wall.
this morning i’ve been thinking about divorce, separation, whatever you want to call it. i am trying to make a choice and it is so messed up. it feels like there are no obvious right answers. it’s just choosing what kind of suck i want my life to be.
i can stay, and basically give up any hope of ever feeling romantic love again, at least not without literal mountains of guilt and shame attached. BUT, that saves everything i have built over the last 18 years. the lifestyle i have, the home i live in, the family and friends around me.
or i can go, destroying everything. my lifestyle would change dramatically, my home would be sold, some family and friends would surely be lost. BUT, it opens the door to me possibly finding love again. it provides me the possibility to rebuild things. this option is about the possibility of something new. the only thing is, it is just that, a possibility, not a certainty. i could very well end up throwing it all away and finding nothing, being able to rebuild nothing.
—
stay and pretend to be happy to save what i already have, or leave and risk it all on the possibility of something better?
i know what i have to choose, but it is so hard to admit. it is so hard to commit to. it is so hard to even think about, nevermind actually talk about.
was it really necessary to ambush me like that as soon as i got home. i mean sure, i know it was on your mind, of course it was on your mind, i knew that’s what would happen as soon as i mentioned anything in the first place.
maybe it’s my fault, maybe i should have anticipated this and been better prepared.
none the less, that was pretty inconsiderate.
i don’t think you were expecting me to say those things to you, were you? the things that bother me. the things that broke me. you accepted them, but then went about trying to explain how it was not your fault, not your responsibility, and then tried to explain how i am not doing enough. do you not see the irony in that? how that is literally the behavior that is slowly killing me? and then… icing on the cake… you mentioned the kids and how i do not spend enough time with them? how fucking dare you.
following this conversation, i know you believe things are different. you’re trying to be kind again. but, my dear, a few kind words cannot undo the years of unkindness just like that. i cannot change the way i feel so easily now that I have reached this breaking point.
you said something really funny though, that has very much stuck with me. you said you forgot i have emotions too. what the hell? am i that stoic? am i that walled up? i don’t feel like i am, but maybe? or maybe this is just another sign that the connection we may have once shared is irreparably severed?
guilt is a funny thing. it makes you think, and do completely illogical things. you can know something with absolute certainty, with every fiber of your being, yet, guilt will make you think the opposite. guilt will make you doubt. guilt will make you compromise. guilt will make you procrastinate. guilt will make you consider alternatives. guilt will ultimately do everything in it’s power to deny you of the thing you know with absolute certainty.
i’ve known this feeling for a while now. longer than i am willing to admit. longer than anyone would be able to guess even, am i that good at pretending? i know i have to do something about it, and soon too. but the weight of the guilt surrounding this whole situation is suffocating. it is oppressive and there is no escape, there is no reprieve, there is no breathing room. in the moments after the words leave my lips i am hoping that i will be able to catch a breath, to have a sigh of relief, but i am worried the harsh reality will be that everything will get much, much worse before anything starts to get better and that the moment i open my mouth instead of catching a breath, i will instead be letting in the flood that will drown me.
perhaps i am being defeatist, perhaps i am being too dramatic, perhaps things will work out favorably? is that possible? is it something i should hope for or should i just brace for the worst possible outcome instead? i can’t say i have that much faith in humanity in general, even people who i have known nearly my entire life and are very dear to me have disappointed me more times than i can count. can i really expect compassion, understanding and acceptance in this situation? if the roles were reversed, how would i react? would i be compassionate, or would i be vengeful? would i be accepting, or would i be confrontational? would i be understanding, or would i reject everything? i’m not really sure. i guess it is impossible to know without being in the situation first hand.
i write to you more often than you know. i have whole conversations with you that you are not even privy to. i write you big long letters that share my ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, problems, worries, concerns, fears, everything and anything that fills my head… and then i don’t send it. i can’t send it.
maybe i am worried that i will upset you. maybe i’m worried you will not care. maybe i’m worried you will tell me i’m wrong. maybe i’m worried you will not say anything at all. i don’t know.
the more i write to you like this, the more things get confusing for me when we do talk. the line between what i have told you and what i have not gets blurrier and blurrier every day. and this only serves to upset me when you say certain things or respond in certain ways because part of me already told you about something directly related that would necessitate a different kind of response, only you’re not aware that i told you about that.
a few comments have been made to me lately by people who don’t know shit that are a little too on the money. am i that see through?
maybe i am.
last night i made a comment i am not proud of. k asked me what i was looking for a 9v battery for, and instead of telling her what i was working on, i just said it was a project of mine and i’m not going to waste my time explaining it because she both would not understand and would not care. she immediately accepted that answer with an “oh… ok.” and then went back to watching TV. but i immediately felt like a bit of an ass the moment the words left my mouth.
that’s not how this should be.