Category: :(

empathy?

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.

baby steps

although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.

i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.

last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.

i’m the bad guy

the first night was confusion, sadness. that was hard. but last night was sadness and anger. last night was laying blame and directing it on me. last night was about justifying your own behavior so that you can be the innocent victim. last night took my heart and ground it into the dirt. i know it is only going to get worse, but i have not become numb yet, so this is still so very difficult.

i have to maintain my composure, i can’t give in to this conflict. i have to do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, that this ends on good terms. it’s important.

i will not go to war, i will not use my children as weapons, i will not lay blame or vilify anyone. i will be the bad guy if that’s what you need me to be. i will listen to you tell me how awful of a person i am and not argue. i will take it in when you tell me i am destroying everything and that i am being selfish so that you feel blameless. i will not fight back. i know you’re angry. i understand. i’m sorry that you’re angry. i would like to promise you that it will all be ok, but i don’t know that it will be. in the meantime, you can hate me if it makes you feel better. i owe you that much.

asshole

i keep trying to remind myself of why and how i got here and it makes sense for a minute, but that minute is fleeting. that minute is quickly replaced by panic and guilt. that minute is squashed by anger and frustration targeted directly at me. that minute is wiped out by fear and by the worry that i have doomed myself and those around me to pain and sadness.

it hurts. and i know i am hurting her too. and i am about to hurt them. all because of what? why the hell did i think this would be better? what the fuck man? boo hoo, you’re not happy. who CARES?! who says you deserve happy? especially after this, you think you deserve happy? you’re BREAKING someone you care about. what the hell even is happy for you anyways? you did this to yourself and you fucking know it. and now others are going to suffer because of you. idiot.

you fucked everything up and you deserve whatever is coming your way. stop trying to find a sympathetic ear, you won’t find one, you don’t deserve one, go fuck yourself.

choice

i’ve been up, on and off, since 2am. this seems to be my new pattern now. falling asleep from exhaustion and then, just as my batteries charge up enough to reboot, my brain turns back on and sleep is once again an impossibility.

i kind of prefer the alternate version of insomnia that i used to have, when i just could not actually fall asleep until very late (or early depending on your perspective) but then would sleep soundly until my alarm went off. at least then i was semi productive at night. this new version of insomnia leaves me a zombie for hours and hours on end, just staring at the wall.

this morning i’ve been thinking about divorce, separation, whatever you want to call it. i am trying to make a choice and it is so messed up. it feels like there are no obvious right answers. it’s just choosing what kind of suck i want my life to be.

i can stay, and basically give up any hope of ever feeling romantic love again, at least not without literal mountains of guilt and shame attached. BUT, that saves everything i have built over the last 18 years. the lifestyle i have, the home i live in, the family and friends around me.

or i can go, destroying everything. my lifestyle would change dramatically, my home would be sold, some family and friends would surely be lost. BUT, it opens the door to me possibly finding love again. it provides me the possibility to rebuild things. this option is about the possibility of something new. the only thing is, it is just that, a possibility, not a certainty. i could very well end up throwing it all away and finding nothing, being able to rebuild nothing.

—

stay and pretend to be happy to save what i already have, or leave and risk it all on the possibility of something better?

i know what i have to choose, but it is so hard to admit. it is so hard to commit to. it is so hard to even think about, nevermind actually talk about.

two thirds

was it really necessary to ambush me like that as soon as i got home. i mean sure, i know it was on your mind, of course it was on your mind, i knew that’s what would happen as soon as i mentioned anything in the first place.

maybe it’s my fault, maybe i should have anticipated this and been better prepared.

none the less, that was pretty inconsiderate.

i don’t think you were expecting me to say those things to you, were you? the things that bother me. the things that broke me. you accepted them, but then went about trying to explain how it was not your fault, not your responsibility, and then tried to explain how i am not doing enough. do you not see the irony in that? how that is literally the behavior that is slowly killing me? and then… icing on the cake… you mentioned the kids and how i do not spend enough time with them? how fucking dare you.

following this conversation, i know you believe things are different. you’re trying to be kind again. but, my dear, a few kind words cannot undo the years of unkindness just like that. i cannot change the way i feel so easily now that I have reached this breaking point.

you said something really funny though, that has very much stuck with me. you said you forgot i have emotions too. what the hell? am i that stoic? am i that walled up? i don’t feel like i am, but maybe? or maybe this is just another sign that the connection we may have once shared is irreparably severed?

halfway

you just couldn’t fucking leave it, could you? push push push. do you feel better now? i told you i didn’t want to talk about it, i told you to leave it alone, but no, that wasn’t going to fly, was it? you needed to keep bending the stick until it snapped.

so now you know. feel better?

you were so worried i was feeling resentful, do you not see how what you did just now only makes me MORE resentful?

and you know what, this is EXACTLY one of the reasons i didn’t want to talk about it, now you’re hyper focused on trying to solve my problem for me. you’re obsessed with being the one who has the solution. you’re questioning and doubting everything i have done like it is not fucking good enough and isn’t what you would do. you’re trying to impose your (failed) solutions on me like they are some kind of magic god damn miracle cure all. this is not YOUR problem. i don’t want YOUR solutions. i’m not stupid, i know of course this affects you greatly, i am not blind to that, but it’s not something YOU can fix. hell, at this point i don’t even know if it is fixable at all, at least in the way you are expecting anyhow.

argh! i can’t wait for the next few days and weeks where you are walking on eggshells around me for no good reason and then ultimately demand some kind of progress report. fuck off. stop trying to parent me. i’m trying. i am putting in more effort than you know.

see through

a few comments have been made to me lately by people who don’t know shit that are a little too on the money. am i that see through?

maybe i am.

last night i made a comment i am not proud of. k asked me what i was looking for a 9v battery for, and instead of telling her what i was working on, i just said it was a project of mine and i’m not going to waste my time explaining it because she both would not understand and would not care. she immediately accepted that answer with an “oh… ok.” and then went back to watching TV. but i immediately felt like a bit of an ass the moment the words left my mouth.

that’s not how this should be.

that’s not fair

i don’t know why it’s always like this. sometimes, just sometimes, i want to be the one who gets to be mad. i want to be the one who gets to throw my hands up, say “are you fucking kidding me?”, or even just… vent. instead, she gets upset first, and then all of my frustration just gets swallowed up. gone. poof. because when she’s upset, i have to be the calm one. the “supportive” one. and if not, i am the enemy, the bad guy, the unreasonable one.

like yesterday. she borrowed my car to run errands because hers was in the shop after she once again kind of ignored necessary maintenance…. issues i busted my ass trying to fix the night before and ended up breaking some of my own tools trying to fix, then moving heaven and earth the next morning and twisting my mechanic’s arm to fit me in for an emergency appointment the same day to help make the car safe again. anyhow, while she’s out, i get a phone call, she’s hysterical because she wasn’t paying attention and smashed the front of my car into a curb and broke part of the bumper.

“i didn’t see the curb. your car is too low. it wasn’t my fault.” and then, before i can even say anything, she’s crying her eyes out. and i say phone call, but it wasn’t a phone call, it was a video face time… what the fuck. her upset face is already in full effect, and now i’m stuck. i can’t even be angry, because if i show even a flicker of frustration, i am the bad guy. so what do i do? i say, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it. it’s just a car.” but inside? inside, i’m boiling. why am i now comforting her for breaking my car?

i wanted to be the one to be mad. i wanted to be able to say, “are you serious?” but no. now, it’s all about her feelings. i have to reassure her that i’m not upset, even though i am, because she’s already cornered the market on emotional real estate. the minute she got upset, my frustration didn’t matter anymore.

and this isn’t just about the car. it’s about every time something like this happens. it’s like i’m not allowed to have my own reaction. the second she’s upset, my feelings have to be put on hold so i can take care of hers. i have to be the steady one, the calm one, even though i’m the one standing there with a busted bumper. and when i do try to express that i’m frustrated? she gets even more upset, more defensive, more adversarial, and then it spirals into this whole thing where ultimately i end up comforting her for making me mad.

it’s exhausting. it’s like i’m constantly stuck in this role where i’m supposed to keep the peace, even when i have every right to be pissed off. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not trying to be a jerk about it. i’m not out here looking to start a fight. but would it kill her to just let me be mad for once? to let me ‘win’ this stupid emotional game? to acknowledge, “yeah, i messed up, and it’s okay if you’re angry about it”? instead, i feel like i’m choking down my own feelings just to avoid making hers worse every. single. time.

marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, right? but who’s supporting me when i’m the one frustrated? why do i always have to be the one who swallows my feelings so hers can take center stage?

it’s so frustrating to always feel like i’m on the back burner, emotionally speaking. i don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between being a good partner and being an actual person with actual feelings. i just want to be allowed to be upset when something like this happens, without it turning into me managing her reaction or having to walk on eggshells.

i’m not dead

dear blog, i owe you some posts. i’m working on it. i need to finish my munich stuff and then there are a few other things i am working on too. it’s coming.

it’s all in progress, i’m just not feeling the energy. i guess 4 days drinking in prague, 3 days drinking in munich and then getting some kind of cold on the way home will do that.