how stupid…

i really wish someone could explain to me how any of what is going on politically in the US right now will yield positive results? it feels like absolute madness! actually, no, not madness, but rather some kind of calculated destruction of a civilization.

i don’t even understand how this guy actually even claimed the throne? i don’t have a huge sample size to draw on, but i do know a handful of americans and all of them, without exception, are disgusted by what’s happening. i have yet to meet an actual, genuine, non-ironic trump supporter. i mean, they must exist right? they must exist in large enough numbers to have actually voted him into power, right?

i was told that i don’t know any because i don’t associate myself within the circles where these mythical creatures exist. that is to say the hyper religious rural crowd as well as the exceptionally affluent and disconnected populace. and i suppose that is true, i don’t really know anyone from those circles. are they really the ones responsible for this madness? at some point even they must realize that they are on a path to destruction, right?

furthermore, i am noticing more and more anti-canadian sentiment online and it really has been upsetting me. so many americans appear to be angry with canada and believing we’re the source of illegal immigration into the US, that we’re the source or fentanyl coming into the US, that we’re a leech of the american economy and that we should be dismantled and repurposed for the benefit of the american people…

holy fuck… guys… take a breath. we’re not, nor have we ever been your enemy. you’re being lied to. please see that before it is too late. we’re friends, we’re partners, we’re colleagues, we’re neighbors, heck, we’re family. please don’t destroy everything we have both worked so hard at building.

i feel like a complete passenger on this nightmare ride. there’s very little i can do to help or hinder any of this. most people here in canada are doing everything they can to boycott US products and services… unfortunately i worry that will do little to help the situation, and may only make things worse. yet, i feel a patriotic obligation to do so anyways.

perhaps i should re-evaluate where my money goes.

head down, get to work

i had an interesting conversation with a friend last week about what people say they want versus what they actually want and how those two things are usually not really the same…

for example, someone may ask you how you are doing. simple enough, right? they want to know about your well being. but, do they really? i think most of the time people want you and anyone else within ear shot to believe they want to know how you are doing, because that makes them a good and caring person, and it makes you, the recipient of that request feel good because someone is taking an interest in your well being… except, they don’t actually want to know how you are doing. they don’t actually care at all. actually, in many cases, they may even hold on to that information and use it as leverage against you!

oh steve, you are so cynical… yeah, maybe… except in this case i don’t think i really am. i think i am on the money here.

for most of the last year i have been on a journey of reinvention. i have been flipping everything upside down in order to find something, anything at all that might reverse the unhappiness and dissatisfaction i have felt with my life. i have tried everything i can think of and i am not saying no to anything (within reason of course, i’m not going to try heroin for funsies…).

my whole life i have never really shared anything deeply personal, or important, with anyone. feelings have always been internalized and bottled up. so one of the things i wanted to try was to start talking about my feelings more. to open up to people. to trust them. and you know what? it has been mostly an abject failure! with only 2 exceptions, every single person i have opened up to has taken what i have told them and either used it against me in some way, or judged me severely and have subsequently treated me differently.

so… what lessons do i have to learn here? perhaps opening up about how you feel really is not a great idea? maybe it is better to just shut up and keep it all to yourself? what is more selfish, sharing how you feel with someone in hopes they can understand or somehow help you with whatever it is you’re dealing with, or not letting them know anything in order to protect yourself from possible mistreatment? both are incredibly self serving. which is worse?

i’m starting to lean on the side of just keeping your mouth shut.

as said by lisa simpson… “tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth a remove all doubt.”

maybe there is more than an ounce of truth in that.

anxious

the last few days have been filled with reflection and thought. i’ve had some pretty strong and arguably irrational, or even unfair reactions recently and i do not like it. i do not like how it makes me feel. i do not like how it makes those around me feel either.

ultimately, there are things i can control, and there are things i cannot.

i need to focus on the things i can control and try to ignore the things i cannot. or perhaps not ignore, but rather, acknowledge and accept.

there is no need to obsess. there is no need to get upset. there is no need to analyze or figure out. it is what it is, and i have no control over it. end of story.

i’m looking forward to the day that my life regains a little more stability. i think the current novelty, volatility and uncertainty is what is making things so difficult to navigate successfully.

i yearn for routine once more.

:(

hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.

you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.

you need to be ok with not being ok.

antiprogress?

so many things are held together with flimsy pieces of tape or bubble gum. when it’s all working smoothly it’s barely noticeable, things are happening, things are working, everything is moving forward.

but the moment things started coming apart, a closer scrutiny was needed. a tiny thread was pulled and it started unraveling something bigger which led to another lose bit which flaked off too easily which revealed another part with big rust holes which highlighted another thing which was installed upside down from the factory that in turn revealed a whole bunch of other parts that were out of alignment and slowly the whole thing has become rather overwhelming.

i don’t know how to fix all of this. i’m trying. there are so many things which i am improving. there are so many things which i am repairing. there are so many things which i am rebuilding from the ground up… but every day something new is revealed, a new set of problems, a new issue that can no longer be ignored…

one step forward and two steps back…

i wonder when that will reverse? it will start getting better, right? at some point? all of this effort can’t be for naught.

Okay.

i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.

perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.

but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.

that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.

that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.

so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.

Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you

-Cassie Philipps

things i need to be happy

  • continue therapy
  • reclaim and reinvent my own space
  • spend more time with z and l
  • lose 25 more lbs
  • avoid sugar
  • avoid milk/lactose
  • eat more fruits and vegetables
  • keep learning spanish
  • exercise every day 20+ minutes
  • 0x nicotine ever
  • 6x alcohol per week max
  • 2x caffeine per day max
  • get 7.5 hours sleep every night on average
  • make 1 new male friend who lives nearby
  • make 1 new female friend who lives nearby
  • play drums 3x per week
  • play guitar 2x per week