feeling venty, might delete later

first, g, fuck you man. despite the fact we almost never see each other anymore, i love you like a brother. you’re one of the most important and influential people in my life. i know i wouldn’t be who i am today without you. no joke, you are one of the very few people in this world i would take a bullet for without any hesitation.

so it fucking KILLS ME when you pull this shit. i know you have social anxiety and a million other self diagnosed ailments, but dude, it’s me. you understand that you are a terrible liar, right? i don’t even care if it’s just a text, an email, a voicemail, we don’t even need to see each other in person or leave our respective homes. just please stop stop stop making plans and then disappearing. i can’t take it. i needed to talk to you, and i think you wanted to talk to me too.

you’re leaving the day after my birthday. are you going to AT LEAST reply before then? tick tock mother fucker. <3

next, k8, i really should send this to you in an email, but for whatever reason i feel like i need to state this out loud, well, this isn’t exactly out loud, but whatever, you know what i mean.

i read through everything and my heart broke a million times. i so wish i could have been there in some capacity for you. but instead i had my head up my ass. i can’t help but wonder how things could have been different if only i had picked up the phone, answered an email, anything at all. i also can’t help but feel indirectly responsible, a contributing factor or at the very least an influential precursor to so many of your trials. maybe i am giving myself more credit than i am due. maybe i am just projecting based on the headspace you take up for me. i don’t know. either way, i really do hope you’re currently the happiest you have ever been. you deserve that. also, please don’t give up on writing. just fucking do it. i know it’s hard. trust me, i know it all too well. even if what comes out doesn’t live up to your standards, it’s fine. at least you did it. you have a gift with words that i certainly envy. don’t wait until it’s too late to use it.

last, k, bruh… why must you insist on poo-pooing on everything. i was excited about that AND the other thing too, and now i just want to give up on both. thanks.

explorer build update 2

jesus tapdancing christ. it’s 30c out, and probably about 36c in the garage. 36 stagnant, dusty, degrees. still, at least i got something done. it’s better than nothing. tomorrow i tackle the rest.

side note: i have a problem with wheels i think. why do i have 4 complete sets of wheels and tires for the s4? wait no, 5 if i count the ones on there already. i also have another set on order. what the fuck man?

i miss aim

definitely about to show my age here, but whatever. i really miss AOL instant messenger. i miss the nonsense font choices people made. i miss having a buddy list. i miss the away messages. i miss desperately searching for meaning in the lyrics people posted in their away messages!

i know, i know, facebook messenger, discord, telegram, snapchat, imessage, bla bla bla… it’s not the same thing. these try to do too many things all at once. they’re too connected to a million other features, platforms, distractions, etc.

when i think about it, i really miss a lot about the early days of the internet in general. it seemed a lot more ‘special’ back then. everything that existed really showed how much, or how little effort an actual, real person put into it. everything was so much more intentional. everything was so much more personal.

i remember when i built my first web server way back when. i had just moved out of my parents house and took over the spare room in j&k’s apartment @5309. i didn’t have a computer, nor did i have very much money, so i scoured the local newspaper’s classifieds section to find something for sale and i ended up finding a used 486DX4 system in a giant metal tower for a price i could manage.

the only operating system install media i had were a million different versions of macintosh system (6, 7, 8 and maybe 9 too? i’m not sure that was out yet.) and a handful of freeBSD disquettes. so, freeBSD it was, because macintosh system was 68k only and this was x86. i had no clue what i was doing, no clue how to make it work, no documentation, no nothing. yet somehow i got x working, and then somehow i got it online too.

i think i probably ended up getting debian install media too at some point and switched to that, but, honestly, i don’t remember all that much from back then any more. heck even what i do remember is probably wrong too haha

i must have been using a dyndns domain back then, because i only registered my current domain back in the summer of 2002. no, not this one, my actual one… not that this one isn’t real… ahh forget it. you know what i mean.

having to figure everything out, learn how the operating systems worked, learn how apache works, learn how bind works, learn how sendmail works, all of it so that then you could learn how html works and then learn how to make something that was even a little bit functional and all that work, just so you could post some nonsense online that was important to you… like, that’s a lot of fucking work. back then you had to really want it. you had to really care.

compared to today where this very site took me all of about 17 seconds to set up from beginning to end. it’s not the same. honestly, it feels disposable. like if i just deleted this whole thing tomorrow, would it even really phase me? i could start again somewhere else in no time flat.

don’t worry, i have no intention of deleting this place any time soon. i just really miss the old days.

now get of my damn lawn you kids!

listen – anthem of the lost

sometimes the youtube algorithm knows me too well. this is exactly what i needed after facing the disaster in my garage. i remember when this video was first posted so many years ago, to me, it’s just as motivational now as it was then.

to whoever needs to hear it: if you can sing, if you can play an instrument, if you write, if you paint, it you fucking knit, bake cakes or even make sand castles, then do it! don’t let bullshit stop you from creating things. sing your little heart out even if no one hears it, draw those pictures, write that poem, whatever it is, put it out there into the universe. you’ll feel a lot better after you do, i promise.

explorer build update

got most of the bits, pieces, doodads and doohickeys i need to get started today. i also decided on the finish i want to do, but i’m not telling what it’s going to be just yet. you’ll need to wait and see. i think it’s a bit of a risky move, but i’m doing it anyways. if it turns out how i am imagining it, it’s going to be amazing! alright, lets gooooo!

step 1. sand everything.

step 1. find somewhere to do the sanding.

step 1. clean up the garage.

argh! the back of my garage, which also serves as my workshop is, funny enough, about as clean and clear as my mental state these days! it’s a dump zone and it has been for a few years now. for fucks sake. it’s completely out of control. i gotta clean this shit up.

i swear i am not a hoarder.

guitar build might have to go on hold for a couple days while i deal with this. what a fucking disaster. how did i ignore this for so long?!

i really should get started right now, but i’m too discouraged to even think about tackling this mess tonight. it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.

spidey senses

many times at work when working on a project, troubleshooting an issue or reviewing someone else’s game plan for the same i get this feeling that i’m missing something which will cause major problems for no apparent reason, or that there is imminent danger if i continue on that approach because i am working based on false assumptions or information. it regularly leads me to make decisions based on ‘gut feel’. more often than not, i’m right to do so and quickly discover a seemingly unrelated issue that would otherwise be a showstopper with the current plan. and even if i’m not necessarily right, then at least one potential cause of failure gets ruled out for certain. risk vs reward is always in my favor, because the worst possible outcome is that i will have spent a bit of time double checking something that is fine. so the only thing ‘wasted’ is a bit of time.

the same cannot be said for things that happen outside of work. i have the same feelings, the same impending doom predictions, or that the story is wrong, or even what the truth really is that no one is willing to admit… but it is so much harder to address it because fixing things sometimes means breaking things first. when you break something with people, unlike a line of code or a configuration setting, there is no undo, there is no revert, there are no backups you can restore.

e, years ago when you had your crisis, i knew your story was a complete fabrication, and i know what the truth was. but you sold a story to everyone and i went along with it. you’ll never read this, but i knew the truth, because i know you. it’s ok, i’ve been there too.

j, i know you know. and i know you know that i know that you know. we’re never going to talk about it, but i know.

z, stop it. you think i don’t know what’s happening? of course i do. i wish we could talk about it. we’re more alike than you know. i think i could help you, or if nothing else, we could be miserable together and you would not need to do it alone. then again, if i were in your shoes, i would probably do the same. actually, i did do the same. so i guess i can’t blame you.

m, i see you. (edit: phrasing? re-reading this it sounds incredibly creepy, jesus christ. that was not my intent, i don’t actually see you.)

and last but not least, k… i’ve messed up so many things, i don’t even know what to think any more. but for a while my spidey senses have been literally on fire and all i want to do is talk to you about it because i know there is something, but i am terrified to find out and i am terrified that it likely is a cat which can never be put back in the bag.

so i guess i will just go with the flow, and wait to see what happens next, like i always do because i’m too much of a chicken to rock the boat.

listen – the front bottoms

slightly different format today. instead of individual songs, today is about a band in general because i simply cannot pick one song. these guys are in the apartment next door to dashboard confessional in my heart.

i guess to make it a little more digestible, perhaps i can narrow things down to one album in particular, Talon of the Hawk.

something about the simplicity of their music, brian’s limited yet effective vocal capacity, and the subject matter of their lyrics just gets me every time. like seriously, sometimes i listen to this album and the only thoughts going through my head circle around to various permutations of “are you me?”

i wrote a little blurb for each one, but after re-reading it, i’ve decided to instead just post the songs and let you experience it all for yourself without any color commentary.

oh, and yes, their band name is a deliciously self deprecating reference to vaginas.

chubs and prom queen

tabarnak. last night was great, but oh boy am i ever paying for it this morning.

j&k, m&j2, you are good people. i’m happy to count you as friends. j2 i am sorry you are perpetually the asshole, but at least m got to be prez this time! for one round anyways lol. and thank you so much for hosting, cooking, cleaning. most of that is usually my job, so taking a break from it felt great, also everything was delicious!

there was a lot of reminiscing tonight as well. j&k and i share a lot of history… i mean, j has been my best friend since we were like 13 or 14 years old. and i’ve been friends with k for just about as long too. we all used to live together too at one point. man, we had some good times.

band today. i don’t know if i am going to make it. at least i know j and m are going to be in similar boats after last night.

i think we might play some more of our own stuff today, or at least i am going to suggest that. last night m was pumped to show us some things he was working on, and also was strangely motivated by something i wrote when we first started this, played it once or twice and then discarded it. i thought no one liked it, but i guess it just needed to ferment a little.

sleeping on the couch

in this house there is a long standing affinity for couch sleeping that i do not understand.

without fail, there will be someone on the couch every night of the week. i’m the only one who does not partake in this bizarre ritual. to be fair, z doesn’t do it that often any more either. but the other 2… every night.

i kind of understand why the boy does it. when he was younger, it was a fear thing. scared of the dark. the living room is right next to mom and dad’s room, unlike his bedroom which is all the way up the stairs. now, it’s a little different. we don’t live close enough to his friends that he can ride his bike or walk there, and the public transit system here is not exactly convenient either, not that that option is even on the table at this age, so his lifeline to his friends is largely through videogames. the xbox is in the living room and to ensure exclusive access to it as soon as day breaks, what better option is there than to be in the living room, monopolizing the couch before anyone else wakes up? as the one who is always up first, it is quite frustrating to not be able to enjoy my morning coffee in the living room, but i can respect the hustle.

k on the other hand… i don’t get it. why? it’s not comfortable, not by a longshot. it’s not dark, it’s not quiet, you end up being awake as soon as anyone else gets up. then you end up being miserable all day because of miscellaneous aches and pains and lack of sleep. so what is the appeal? i struggle to not take it personally sometimes.

when i was younger, my dad used to sleep on the couch a lot too. my parents never really talked about that, but it was around the time he left and went to Florida for a few months, leaving the rest of us behind. the story, or at least as much as i can remember, is that he went to look for a job and a house, and the plan was to relocate us all once he found everything.

that never ended up happening of course, and he eventually came back. as a kid, i never questioned any of it. why would my parents lie to me, right? but now, being much older and wiser (lol) i really wonder how much truth there was to that story, if any at all?

either way, waking up alone sucks.

listen – i really want to stay at your house

i’ve been posting lists of songs with no context. maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s the 2 rebulls and 2 coffees i’ve had, but right now i am motivated to write, and i’m thinking maybe i should explain why i have posted each and every one of these songs. because each one has a story and/or deeper meaning. at least for me.

i really want to stay at your house is from the original soundtrack of Cyberpunk 2077 released in december 2020, written and performed by let’s eat grandma, but credited to rosa walton and hallie coggins. it’s song from a video game i have been following since its very first teaser was released over a decade ago. it’s set in night city a fictional near future dystopian metropolis, and based on the original ttrpg by mike pondsmith from the late 80’s early 90’s.

as a teenager, cyberpunk and shadowrun were my obsession. mostly cyberpunk. i still have the original rulebooks somewhere here as well as a folder filled with character sheets and campaign settings. something about the whole near future distopia with corporate greed and cybernetic body modifications mixed with ultra violence just set my mind on fire. to be honest, it still does. i love movies, tv shows, videogames, anything set in a similar type of scenario. it’s so hopeless, depressing and unfair and yet so ridiculously lucrative to those who figure out how to play the game. imbalance is everywhere and if you’re on the wrong end of the seesaw, it’s game over choom.

but this isn’t a review of Cyberpunk the ttrpg, nor is it an analysis of Cyberpunk 2077 the game, instead, this is about my connection to this song, and although it was definitely a jam in the game driving through the streets of night city, it really cemented itself in my soul when i watched Edgerunners on netflix.

if you haven’t seen it yet, then stop here, go watch it.

no for real. stop reading this and go watch it.

i don’t care if you don’t like anime. i don’t care if you don’t like the premise. none of that matters, because what Edgerunners does is tell an amazing and ultimately crushing story that will absolutely make you feel something. if it doesn’t leave you struck with intense feelings of despair, emptiness, unfairness, sadness, depression even, then you just might not be a human.

and this song is the god damn crescendo of it all. it’s the ptsd trigger that gives you flashbacks. it fucking kills you all over again every. god. damn. time.

david, lucy, rebecca, maine, dorio, pilar, kiwi, hell even faraday are all so relatable it’s scary. the studio that did it, trigger, are masters at making you feel a connection to the characters (watch delicious in dungeon). at least for me, the relationship between lucy and david in particular broke me. like grown ass man sitting on the couch crying watching a cartoon broken.

this scene in particular affected me in ways i cannot even put into words. i don’t know if it was just being so immersed that i felt what david must have been feeling, if it was something i wanted to experience for myself again, if it was just remembering past loves, or maybe something else entirely, regardless, all the feels. you hear me? all of them!

and then when the song plays again at the end of the series… i’m dead. fucking dead.

so, i’m telling you. watch it. you won’t regret it. or actually, you probably will, but you’ll thank me for it anyways.

edit: i forgot to mention, lucy > rebecca. fight me.