better help – part deux

mixed feelings… i did ultimately decide to change therapists and not wait for my originally assigned one. the platform does make it very easy. 2 clicks and you have a variety of new options. you can see their profiles and specialties, their upcoming availabilities and reviews. i picked someone whose specialties lined up with what i think i need and had decent availabilities.

i chose to do a chat session, though there are options for video call and phone call. something about chatting just feels a little safer/easier. session started only a few minutes late, and i was informed ahead of time that there would be a slight delay.

the chat session itself had one thing from a technical standpoint that REALLY threw me off. it’s live typing. like you can see what is being typed as it is being typed. as someone who regularly writes something, reads it back, deletes it and writes it again about a million times for each and every thing i write, this was a total mind fuck. i found myself really having to think hard about what i was going to write before just writing it. at first, i really didn’t like it. but then i decided to just go with it and just let things happen as they happened and in the end it was fine. i guess it forced me to be a little more honest and a little less calculating. how fucking demented is that? i would normally delete what i just wrote there, but no. i’m leaving it. fuck it.

so, tech issues aside, this first session is almost word for word, exactly what i expected. which the cynic in me was screaming ‘see?? you knew what was going to happen. you already know what you need to do. stop being a bitch and do it.’. i’m trying to silence that voice and trust the process though. because it’s not that easy and you know what, this person just met me, i am paying them money, of course they will want to build rapport and trust. of course they are going to offer words of encouragement. of course they’re going to make this as pleasant as possible to start. do i really want any different? am i some kind of masochist or something and secretly want someone to tell me i’m a shit? am i? no… i don’t think so. i don’t know. whatever. shut up.

so next appointment is booked. at the end the therapist encouraged me to write about how i am feeling and tried to over explain that and how to do it. i did giggle a little inside and offered a warning ‘be careful what you wish for’. told them i had already been doing that in a blog right now and have a history of writing going back many many years. i don’t think i will share this place though and will instead stick to the journal system inside the platform.

sleep depravation is pretty rough today i have to admit. a couple of nights sleep really resets your tolerance for it. i think i am going to try take the afternoon off work, consume of the devils lettuce and then try to pass the f out.

a welcome distraction

body looks good, grain is not pretty. will need sanding, sealer and paint for sure. color? i’m thinking yellow? orange? mint green? or maybe i’ll do stickerbomb? i dunno yet.

neck is… well… it needs a bit of work, but nothing i can’t handle. back bow is minor, hopefully the truss rod works. frets need leveling, like across the board. needs sanding, sealer and probably 1000 coats of poly. but i can make that happen easy enough. need ideas for a logo to put on the headstock.

hardware is surprisingly not as terrible as i was expecting. i’m probably gonna order a set of locking tuners and new pickups anyways, but the rest is actually fine. i may even try these pickups first and see, maybe they sound good?

once is happenstance, twice is coincidence…

i slept again last night. like the whole night. my alarm woke me up and i even snoozed it. i am so confused.

i’m incredibly thankful to have the relief that sleep brings, but i am worried about why after like a month of insomnia this has suddenly changed.

talking to you, is obviously the first thing that comes to mind. i’m really trying not to fuck that up because talking to you does make me happy and i don’t want it to stop, i also actually do care about your feelings as well and don’t want to hurt them. but i can barely trust my judgement and thoughts lately.

am i actually doing something helpful and healthy right now, or am i just digging a bigger hole and convincing myself otherwise?

i like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.

more potato quality… for a guy who pretty much has a recording studio in his basement, i really fucking slack on using it. anyhow, recorded on my pc using a blue snowball. whatever, it’s fine for a work in progress. same little thing i was working on the other day. i’m happy with the next progression, even though i played it poorly. not sure if it will remain acoustic only or if i will switch to electric and add drums and bass. we’ll see. still need to work out some more parts.

i haven’t decided on what this will be about. i think it still needs to crystalize a little in my head. i have some ideas.

what a mess

jesus christ. what a mess. it’s amazing what a single night of sleep can accomplish. i feel like i’ve been having a manic episode or something. looking back at the last couple weeks i barely recognize myself. what am i doing? what have i done? bruh… get it together.

today was actually good. i woke up pretty upset, but threw myself into work and the distraction was something i think i really needed. escapism much? sure. but is that really so bad if it gives you a much needed break allowing you to then return to the problem with fresh eyes?

‘the problem’… lol fuck me… bwahahahahaha! ok that was not intentional, it just came out.

seriously though. what the heck am i supposed to do now?

am i just doing it again?

and in today’s episode of steve blurting things out before thinking them through and then probably regretting it later…

i slept soundly last night for the first time in like a month. as good as it felt, i woke up this morning feeling… i don’t know, scared? upset? worried? disappointed? angry at myself? i’m not even sure, but it wasn’t good.

ok, i’m just going to say it… i’ve been unhappy for a long time. lately it’s been pretty bad and i have been doing some things i’m really not proud of. a lot of it seems to be about love, attention, affection, intimacy, things like that. something that i feel i am missing in my life. i looked in so many of the wrong places to find it, and i made things weird for some people. it’s made me think a lot about a lot of things i didn’t want to think about. and i think maybe i’m doing it again.

i reached out to you for a lot of reasons. i’ve never been happy about how things ended. i regret how i treated you. i miss talking to you. i have so many, life changing, good memories in my head associated to you. i think part of me never got over you either… also, the last time i felt this way was when i first met you and you made the bad go away. but fuck you steve. that’s not fucking fair and you can’t expect the same things now. seriously, FUCK YOU. you’re a selfish prick. asshole. i wish i could punch you in the fucking face right now.

one email is all it took, and then suddenly my outlook on everything seemed less hopeless. one email and i was able to sleep again. one email and everything that’s happened in the last few weeks suddenly snapped into clarity.. and shame.

but that’s not right. am i just doing it again but placing this shit on you? i don’t know. i don’t want that to be it. please don’t let that be it. please let me have the courage to talk to you about this. please don’t judge me too harshly. please don’t be weirded out or disgusted by my actions. please be a friendly ghost from my past who can help me make sense of all this and find healthy ways to get past it.

thank god i’m fully booked at work today, i don’t think i could handle being alone with my thoughts right now.

i just want to be your sweet heart

when i removed a bunch of posts a few days ago, one of them included this song. i didn’t want to take it down, but i wrote some stuff that really i should have kept to myself and didn’t feel good about leaving it out there. but this song is still important to me.

so… take two.

for me, this song really embodies the feeling of limerence, obsession, infatuation, love addiction. feeling something so strongly for someone who, realistically, doesn’t even know you exist. so much so that you’re willing to humiliate yourself, subject yourself to any amount of suffering, debasement and degradation, just to get that hit of dopamine from the slightest bit of attention.

it’s a delusion, and it’s harmful. it hurts. and yet you can’t help it, and you do it willingly.

eugh.