reconnection?

you replied. i can barely believe it. i hope so so much that there will be some kind of rekindling of friendship. i seriously can’t think of anyone else in the entire world who i would want this from more. wait… that’s not fair. i can’t put this on you. this is not your problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. i still hope though. i hope so much. too much.

i told you i started blogging again knowing that might trigger some kind of nostalgic response in you. fuck… i’m an asshole. why did i do that? arg…

i know you’re going to ask, and i want to tell you so fucking badly. i don’t know if i can. i don’t know if i should. if i don’t then why did i even mention it in the first place?

maybe i should have let sleeping dogs lie.

god, i’m an idiot.

better help review – part 1

so far, not impressed.

sign up has you go through a whole slew of questions, many of which, at least for me, don’t have a definitive answer, or the answers they provide don’t really apply or aren’t quite right. on it’s own though, that’s not a deal breaker, i mean i get it, you have to start somewhere, right?

the part that kind of soured it for me at the start is how after spending a good 20 minutes answering questions, you are then hit with the payment screen. at this point you’re invested, you’ve committed time to answer truthfully and from the heart, at least for me i was feeling pretty vulnerable… so when the payment option comes up it felt like a slap in the face.

i am not trying to say it should be free or anything like that, far from it. it’s just the way that the site does it makes it feel predatory almost.

the billing model is weird. they give you the weekly price, but then say it’s billed every 4 weeks, so why not just make it a monthly price? there are a metric fuckton of youtubers pushing this platform right now so discount codes are abundant. i chose a fellow canadian i really like as my referrer, thanks @Julie Nolke! got a few bucks off, so in the end just shy of 400 CAD for the month.

Once in the platform, you need to answer more questions, and then wait for a match to a therapist. they say it could take 24/48 hours, but i was matched in just about an hour or so.

unfortunately, the person i was matched to was about to go on holiday or something? so their first availability is only next week. ehhhhh…..

so remember the weird billing model? if that’s a 2 way street, then i am now paying 1 week to wait. really?

anyhow, we’ll see how this works out. in the meantime i am checking out the rest of the platform. yesterday i explored the journaling system which allows you to write whatever you want, they offer various prompts to help inspire you or get you started. you can attach a feeling to the entry and you also have the option to share it with your therapist. seems pretty well thought out and has all the functions and features you could expect. i made an entry, but decided not to share it with my therapist just yet, i’m not even certain i will stay with this one and wait the week. apparently one of the features of better help is that you can change any time, so maybe i’ll try that.

help

i signed up for online therapy today. i don’t know if i really believe in it or not, but i figured it couldn’t hurt. seeing as i have literally no one else to talk to at this point, i guess it’s something.

i also messaged k8 last night and wrote a comment to her blog post from 2005. she’s probably the only one who i might even feel a little bit comfortable talking to about things. that might have been a mistake. it’s probably been too long since we last talked. i hope my message doesn’t upset her. that’s the last thing i want. although it’s completely unfair for me to expect a response, i really hope i get one anyways. not that i would even deserve it.

it’s m’s birthday today, and as much as i really really really want to send a message, i won’t. i can’t go back there. that’s done. i fucked that up beyond imagination.

play it by ear?

really good jam yesterday, despite y not being there. things are slowly coming together, things are getting tighter, less mistakes being made. j and m only took one 420 break and both were motivated to keep going. i played my heart out as well… i guess i have some demons i need to exercise or something (shocker, right?).

i’m starting to believe in j’s plan that by next summer we’ll be able to play a show.

the other day j said something as well which i thought was interesting. both m and i play by ear. we can’t read music. heck, i can barely read tab and i don’t even think there is tab for drums. j on the other hand relies 100% on tab. so every song we learn, he needs to study and m and i just kind of fuck around until we get it. because of this, j claimed we were superior musicians to him. which is kind of funny, because j has always been one of my musical inspirations/mentors/idol. i’ll take it as a compliment.

anyhow, towards the end of the jam, m pulls out a little thing he’s been fucking around with for a while and holy moly, i fucking love it! pardon the potato recording quality.

little rough still, this was the very first time either j or i played along to it, so there is work to be done for sure. but man oh man, this is something. can’t wait until next weekend to flesh it out more.

i guess i still love her

haven’t really spent as much time caring for her this year… i think this will be only the second wash this summer. i desperately need to decontaminate the paint and the whole drivers side needs polish, last time i was in tremblant the parking garage dripped shit all over the side and it kind of stained clearcoat. thankfully it’s only visible in the brightest of sunlight.

foam canon is a must. if you wash your car at home by hand, get a pressure washer, even if it’s a cheap one, and then get a foam canon. makes all the difference.

she cleans up nice i think…

as annoying to clean as they are, BLQs fuck.

no flames today… it is saturday morning after all. pow pow pow

hi ren

i don’t hear voices. i’m a functional and productive member of society. i am well respected in my industry. i am a mentor to many. i have a family that is thriving. i create things. i have no debt. i am successful. by all measures, i am a fully functional, well adjusted human. at least from the outside.

but fuck me does this ever resonate with me to my core. i listened to this when he released it a year or two ago and really liked it, but didn’t really process it. but now here i am, saturday morning, getting ready for my weekly costco run, listening to this again and every hair on my body is standing on end, my stomach is turning, my heart is pounding… and who the fuck is cutting onions at this hour? jesus christ.

thank you ren. i hope you’re doing ok. i’m working on being ok myself, i’ll get there eventually.