Author: xen6

of course it’s hailing.

holy moly. my thoughts are about as turbulent as the weather outside right now. thunder, lightning, overwhelming rain and even hail all made their presence very known this afternoon, followed by an unusual calm. mother nature, i’m with you on this one.

i had a video call with k8 this afternoon. i have not seen her face or heard her voice in so so long… she hasn’t aged a day, that isn’t to say she hasn’t changed though. she definitely seemed genuinely content, in control, or at least as much as you can be with little kids in your life. she seemed happy and that made me happy too. gone was the cloud of uncertainty that used to follow her around. anyhow, to say the whole thing wasn’t overwhelming, wonderful, nostalgic, exciting, heart wrenching, heartwarming, cathartic and even intimidating all at once (for me) would be an outright lie. words almost completely failed me. there are a million and one things, but everything just got caught in my throat.

it’s truly mind boggling how i can write and write and write and spill my guts through my fingertips, but as soon as there is eye contact, as soon as there are facial expressions, as soon as there are little noises of approval or disapproval, everything just grinds to a halt. when did that happen? why did that happen?

despite the mental road blocks, i am really happy the ice is broken now. i hope there is more to come.

a couple of things came up that i do need to deal with sooner rather than later however. the fact that k doesn’t know about any of this makes it somewhat uncomfortable for her. i am uncomfortable about it too. it’s making something harmless into something malicious. but i’m convinced that telling her will only hurt her. that’s the very last thing i want. of course if she finds out on her own, it will likely hurt more. i’m not sure what the solution is here. i’m not even sure there is one where no one loses. maybe the best thing is to be honest, and then live with the consequences, though i worry that will just foster even more resentment.

and then there’s precipitating events that triggered this to even happen in the first place. i know i need to talk about it but i’m so damn worried. worried that it will taint whatever memories or history exist in her head. worried that it will make me look like a cretin, a deviant, a degenerate in her eyes. but why do i care so much? why is this so important to me? why is the opinion of someone who i haven’t even spoken to in so long and isn’t actually a present force in my life this heavy on my heart? i don’t fucking know, but it is.

there’s so much more i want to say, but maybe i should sleep on things and digest a little.

listen – again i go unnoticed

this fucking song. i can’t even begin to explain how many times i have listened to it and how many times over the years, decades even that it has rang true.

I’ll wait until tomorrow
Maybe you’ll feel better then
Maybe we’ll be better then
So what’s another day
When I can’t bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again
Out of the corner of my eye
Won’t be the only way you’re looking at me then

eugh. chris carrabba, are you me?

fine, maybe you had a point

yeah ok, i never explicitly told you, but i didn’t lie either. i just avoided the topic because it’s kind of fucked up and i don’t really want to think about it, nor talk about it. you knew though… come on. and now that i’ve confirmed it, i can’t help but feel like the mood and tone have changed. i worry that things are going to slowly deteriorate. only slowly because of the sunken cost. and that sucks. i don’t blame you though. my fault. always my fault.

#1 on life support

i have a guitar that has been by my side longer than any other material item on this planet. it’s been severely mistreated, used and abused, neglected, ignored and loved intensely.

a few years ago it started failing, specifically the bridge cracked in half. at the time i had not yet started my adventures in lutherie, so i glued it back together with gorilla glue… which kind of made it worse. i didn’t know gorilla glue expanded when it cured, ok? simultaneously, the neck started bowing pretty badly, i’m not sure why. this guitar does not have a truss rod, so there is no way to correct the bow. other than a neck reset…

this week i have decided to start making my #1 playable again. this is absolutely not cost effective in any way, shape or form. i can likely buy a far superior replacement for way less… but it wouldn’t be the same.

here she is before anything done. in this state, the guitar is largely unplayable. the action above the 12th fret is probably close to 1cm, maybe even a bit more.

with some 99% isopropyl to loosen the gorilla glue, and some gentle prying, i managed to remove the bridge, revealing some weak ass looking wood underneath. i gave it a light sanding to remove any high spots and reached inside to feel the state of the backing board underneath, which thankfully feels ok. replacing the face of the guitar is out of the question, but i will try to fill any of the more serious cracks with some glue and then clamp the whole thing down.

new bridge drilled, and glued down. fancy clamp in place to keep everything in place. i used the right kind of glue this time 🙂

and now we wait for the glue to do it’s thing!

gravitational pull

when i started this blog, there were a few things that kind of reached a tipping point for me. self esteem i suspect plays a role in them all, which is weird in a way because i never really considered myself to have a problem in that regard. upon much reflection, i’m starting to think maybe i do?

in any case, one of the things i don’t like about myself, and haven’t for a long time, is my weight. i know i am not morbidly obese or anything like that, but i definitely have a “beer belly” going on, and it bothers me. wearing certain clothing makes me self conscious, taking off my shirt when i go swimming makes me feel embarrassed, hell even walking around the house without a shirt on in front of my own family gives me icky feelings about myself.

so, an easily identified problem, which i know how to fix, is being worked on. one month ago i weighed 267 lbs. probably the heaviest i have ever been. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. but i can fix this.

first step is identifying what constitutes success? that’s a tricky one, because i’m not really sure. i of course have done a bit of research, but a lot of what i found seems a little disconnected from reality. for example:

at 167, i think i would probably look like a fucking skeleton. that doesn’t at ALL sound healthy to me.

various other sources indicated anywhere from 150 to 210 as ideal weight for my age and height. i think 210 might be achievable, but i think that’s more of a stretch goal. realistically, i think i would be happy at 225. more than happy, in fact. so, success is 225 lbs and i am giving myself 6 months to get there and remain stable. basically by 2025.

now, how am i doing this? what’s the plan? the answer is science of course! calories in < calories out. my basal metabolic rate i’ve estimated to be about 2100. on a day where i practice drumming for an hour or two, that gives me an extra 1000. mow the lawn, an extra 500 or so. doing my regular errands on saturday morning an extra 400, give or take. etc, etc, etc…

so, if i reduce my caloric intake as a function of my caloric expenditure, then i will lose weight. easy peasy.

i’ve been doing this for a month now, and as of this morning i am down to 251. that’s fucking HUGE. maybe even too much at once, i don’t know, i’m not an expert of course. either way, a win is a win.

shut up brain

overthinking is annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s even debilitating at times. it ruins things. it sucks the life out of simple pleasures. it’s an unnecessary distraction. no, it’s unnecessary, full stop. it sabotages. it’s contagious. it causes problems where there are none. it invents excuses and fosters procrastination. it’s bullshit.

and for what? to save my poor little heart from some imaginary injury that will likely never happen? to protect me from some unforeseen problem that i am already well equipped to face? to help me be prepared for a million possible outcomes which are impossible to predict with any kind of accuracy?

i don’t need, nor do i want this. so, shut up brain, you’re being a bit of a dick.

explorer final update

i think i kind of hate it.

oh well, live and learn i suppose. it doesn’t sound awful at least. definitely needs some more setup, but since moving it in from the hot and humid garage back into my cool, air conditioned office, the neck is going all wonky. so before i crank on that truss rod any further, i’m gonna let it chill for a couple days.

i guess on the plus side, the tuners i got are fucking great. and the pickups this thing came with, although not spectacular or anything, are perfectly serviceable. pots and switch are kinda junk, but whatever.

here’s what it sounds like out the spark in my office into the blue snowball. the last time i played this song is when i had my first explorer i think, so please, forgive the shoddy playing, i’m surprised i actually remembered the chords 😛

edit: so after playing around on this guitar all afternoon, making little adjustments here and there, it actually plays pretty good. gave me an idea for a song too, so maybe i don’t hate it THAT much. i’m not sure if i am accidentally copying something though, and of course this is not finished at all, just a rough idea at this point.

<insert title here>

today was spent scrubbing, cleaning, disinfecting, resupplying, mowing, and then finally discussing a million different things with c until way too late.

once everything was done, and the house went quiet, i worked on the explorer a bit more. i hate it. i really really hate it. the finish did not turn out how i had hoped. quite a bit worse actually. but at this point, unless i decide to strip the paint down completely and redo it, i’ve got no other options. i’m not going to strip the paint down and redo it. at least not right now.

so the build continues. all the hardware is mounted, hand tight. I have to go over it all again and make sure there were no mistakes and that everything works, but that will be a problem for not tonight. unless i did something catastrophically wrong with the wiring, I suppose it should come to life tomorrow. i’ll record something and throw it up here unless it’s a total fail. in which case, we shall never speak of this guitar again.

though out the day today, k was exceptionally… affectionate? i’m not complaining, but i am a little suspicious of why all of a sudden. i suspect it has to do with me lending her my car all week next week while hers is in the shop, and me immediately paying for the rental car she had last week when i saw she was stressing about the money. is that my value? is that my worth? am i being too cynical? i don’t know. maybe i’m being overly sensitive.

gross

today will be spent cleaning up. i am already wrecked. i was up till 1:30 filling buckets of shit water and ferrying them out the front door. everything hurts.

that said, i got a text from t, he spend the night helping his inlaws who had a solid foot of water in their completely finished and pretty swanky basement. he sent me a couple pics… holy crap, heartbreaking.

y also texted last night, cancelling band today, he has 4 inches of water in his basement too.

so i guess in the end, it’s kind of a blessing that i caught the shower drain here as it happened. had i not spent last night filling buckets over and over for 4-5 hours, it could have been soooooo much worse.

it smells like shit down here.

buy a house they said…

  • basement leak? check.
  • second basement leak? check.
  • third basement leak? check.
  • FOURTH BASEMENT LEAK? check.
  • RoOf LeAkInG?!?!?! check.

god dammit, just when things were looking up, this has to happen? honestly, i’m just waiting for the icing on the cake here… any moment now i’m sure fucking poo water is going to start backing up through the basement shower drain.

the basement leaks are nothing new, but it’s usually just a little puddle here and there. this time it’s almost a steady stream of water coming in from 4 different places at once. and of course my basement has that stupid industrial carpet that’s glued to the concrete. extra fun times!

the roof leaking is actually less worrisome… the way this house was made, there is a section of soffit that has another roof right below it and when the wind is blowing in a certain direction it ends up forcing the rain into that soffit. so, less of a leak, and more of a design flaw of the house itself. either way, it’s causing a mess.

this evening appears like it will be spent placing towels on the floor to sop up the water, then throwing them in the washer and dryer, grab new towels and then repeat the process until i fall asleep.

so you’re damn right i’m high right now.

edit: and i just spent the last several hours cleaning poo water backing up from shower drain. i’m definitely going to end up with pinkeye or something from this.