Category: <3

last day of the year, lets review…

lots of changes this year…

  • i set a goal to lose some weight. at the time, i weight 267 lbs. my goal was 225 by end of year. last week i got to 227, but with christmas feasts, apple pies and other sweets, as of this morning i am 232. if i am grading with a pass/fail scheme, then this is unfortunately a FAIL.
  • i resolved myself to kick nicotine entirely. i had been waning myself for years, cigs have been gone for a long time, but things like vapes were still around. i wanted that shit gone. this is serious. and i am happy to say, i have been completely nicotine free for several months. no turning back! this is way more difficult than i had anticipated… in the process i learned a lot about myself actually, and i learned to trust myself a lot less than one might expect, more on that some other time. PASS
  • i decided to be more active. i started walking every single day, and when it got too cold for that, i bought a rowing machine and have been doing that every single day. it’s hard work and sometimes i am REALLY not motivated, but i do it anyways and will continue to do so because it is important and makes me feel better. PASS
  • i needed to talk to someone, therapy seems to be popular answer to this. so i tried it, despite my skepticism. to be honest, i am still not convinced. but i have stuck with it for several months now and i am not going to give up on it just yet. i guess it can be helpful in some ways…. anyhow, PASS.
  • i wanted new friends. friends which were not connected to my current circle. i re-established a connection with k8, which at first felt very successful, though recently has felt a little less so. i hope it is just a temporary lull. i also sought out and made 3 new friends through reddit. c, you called me your bestie yesterday. i liked that and i think we could really become that. j, you were unexpected, we were on parallel tracks until your train fell completely off the rails. i wasn’t sure how that was going to work, but so far so good. i am happy we met! and then last but not least, a. holy shit, a, you have really captured my heart and my mind. i don’t remember the last time i felt a connection with someone like i have with you. you have become so special and so important to me, no matter what the future holds, i want you to be part of it. PASS
  • i recognized earlier this year that i was miserable, and had been for a long while. there were several contributing factors to that (see above points) but there was one in particular which overshadowed everything. when it comes to love, as in romantic, passionate love, i have a giant, gaping hole in my chest. k and i simply were not good for each other like that. we’re good together in many other ways, but being roommates just isn’t enough. the built up resentment and frustration that has accumulated over the years has simply become insurmountable at this point and before things completely overflowed and go ugly, i made the decision that i would rather end things now and try to remain on good, amicable terms. this is still in progress, but it seems to be progressing well enough. i think it merits a passing grade for this year, but the real test will be next year. so for now, PASS.

this wall hurts me.

so cleverly crafted, made to be ultimately defensible in so many ways. it’s pretty, it’s logical, its manufacture was clearly communicated, the specifications were submitted and not contested. yet… it bothers me, but the time for protest, i fear, has passed.

you retreat behind it more regularly now. i have no knowledge of what occurs beyond that delimiter. it is impenetrable to all senses. i only have knowledge of what you explicitly tell me, which is not very much. and even the bits you do tell me are vague and intentionally nondescript.

i have no such defenses. nor do i want to build any. it’s fundamentally incompatible with who i am and what i want. in the past, every time i have tried to do so, it resulted either in an arms race, or complete isolation despite having intimate proximity. any permutation of those outcomes are not anything i want to have anything to do with. however the outcome which leaves you behind an impenetrable fortress and me out in the open, is also undesirable.

can you let me in? can you build a doorway just for me? you can guard it, you can leave it locked when not in use, you can hide it and keep it a secret that only i know. but can you make that happen? i can’t bear being like this for much longer.

you’ve said this on more than one occasion, you + me vs the problem is non-negotiable. does this only apply in one direction? or perhaps you + me is not a valid equation any more? i don’t really know where i stand. i can only guess.

the thought crosses my mind regularly, should i just stop trying? you’ve explicitly asked me not to do that, but what am i supposed to do when i am given so little information to work with. talking to myself is what i do here, it’s not what i want to do with you. i want to talk to you and i want you to talk to me. i want you to want to talk to me, actually.

this wall hurts me.

living lies

the more people i talk to about the impending dissolution of my marriage, the more i find that i really am not alone in this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. the more i find there are other guys in the same, or at least very similar situations. married, but to a roommate, to a business partner, to a colleague… not married to a lover, to a best friend, to a confidante or to an actual life partner.

is this just the inevitable place people end up in, or is it the product of poor communication over years? is it blindness to problems in the early days, or is it just normal personal growth and change? how do successful long term relationships work? is it just luck? is it hard work? is it fundamental compatibility at a deeper level?

i told my brother about what’s going on last night. i think it shook him. and then in an attempt to make me feel better he told me about his current situation… which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, because i don’t want that for him. he seems to be feeling just as alone, and has been leaning on alcohol to get him through most nights. i want to help him, but i don’t know that i can right now.

i also told 2 of the guys who work directly for me, mostly because i had to explain my absence to them. one of the guys already saw it coming, we talked a bit about it in september, but before there was this finality present. the other one though… fuck. he already has a very real social behavior issue of not being able to shut the fuck up, and now that he knows this about me, he has not been able to shut up. he is trying to offer sympathy, offer advice, offer friendship, offer distraction… don’t get me wrong, his intentions are appreciated, but it is way too fucking much and is only raising my stress level. he came with me in the car on the ride to the restaurant last night and i swear to god, that was the most infuriating 45 minutes i have spent in a long time. i bit my tongue so damn hard the whole time, just trying to remind myself his intentions are good.

it’s just a matter of time now before the rumor mill starts at work. several people asked me if i was ok last night because of my recent weight loss. certain people made a really big deal about it, which honestly, i didn’t really want, but what am i going to do, give someone shit for trying to compliment me? anyhow, i expect next week will have a few new people reaching out to me asking if i’m ok and making puppy dog eyes.

forget it.

i feel a little broken today. things are not going how i had hoped they would.

how could you say that to me? how did you think i would react? what did you expect would come of that? nothing good for sure. so why?

i’m fucking trying to keep things together, but it’s not easy. i am fucking trying to spare everyone’s feelings as much as possible at the expense of my own. i’m fucking trying to be clear, concise and consistent with everything i say and do to make things easier for you.

and yes, the irony of me saying this whilst also being in the very center of a most selfish act on my part is palpable. i get that.

i wish you could see. i wish you could understand. i wish you could appreciate, even if only slightly, the effort that i am putting towards this none the less.

have i mistaken you for someone you are not? have i totally misunderstood your previous words? have i completely miscalculated everything?

perhaps i do need to be more selfish? perhaps i do need to put me first? why should i put so much thought and consideration into how you feel when the reciprocity is not quite there?

or maybe today is just a bad fucking day and i am overthinking everything.

may i am not that much of a disappointment after all?

i told my parents last night. i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was dreading this conversation so much. i was afraid of how they would react. i was afraid they would be disappointed in me specifically. i was afraid they would want to get involved and try to “fix” things.

my parents’ desire to help, to get involved and insert themselves into situations is well known and well observed, but it’s always done from a place of caring, from a place of genuinely wanting to help. though sometimes, for some people, it is not seen that way and is instead seen as meddling.

anyhow, the conversation went very differently than i was expecting. they were sad of course, but i explained what was going on, and the basic logistical facts. and then i told them that this is was ok, that i go this. i told them i was not a “victim” here and i want this. that seemed to satisfy any questions they may have had.

the visit was ended with them simply offering whatever help i needed, i just need to ask.

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

progress of sorts

i wrote you a long letter spelling out everything because talking to you about it was getting nowhere. every time i started, one of us would start to get emotional and then it just would no longer be productive. but then last night we managed to talk a little bit and, for the most part, keep our heads.

i am really encouraged by the steps forward you seem to have taken. i know this is a bit of a nightmare and for you it is very sudden, like a bomb going off in your hands, but you have to understand that for me, this is not a bomb, but a slowly simmering fire that has been burning for years now. i’m sorry if i seem less affected, i assure you i am just as invested as you are, i have just built up a few more defenses against the hurt.

there is still so much more to do, i do not expect it to happen over night, but if we can keep inching forward, i think we can both get to a place where we can start healing soon enough.

i am glad that we agree the next step is to sit down and crunch some numbers so we can have a bit of a game plan and then talk to the kids. i know we can do this.