Category: :(

thing 1

every year on christmas eve, we all gather at my parents house to celebrate. it has been this way for decades. it is the tradition.

my sister lives about 7-8 hours away and has come down with her kids and boyfriend in tow every single year without fail. we only really get to see each other about twice per year, so this is always a very special and welcome visit.

unfortunately, this year in particular, my sister’s boyfriend has decided that christmas eve will be spent with HIS family instead and that they will not be coming to see the rest of us like usual. apparently he is being completely adamant, and allegedly unpleasant about it. this has sent my sister into near hysteria.

so, yesterday morning my brother and i got a text from mom saying that christmas eve will need to be postponed a week until new years day in order to accommodate my sister. my brother replied immediately saying that was fine with him, but i chose not to reply just then, because for me, this really is not ok and i wanted to think on it a bit first.

lets do some math. if we go through with this, then my sister will be upset anyways because she is not spending christmas eve with her family, and everyone here will be upset as well as we will all be effectively forbidden from seeing each other on christmas. disaster all around. alternately, if we decide to have christmas without her, then my sister will be upset, and the rest of us will of course miss her, but we’ll still have our christmas and the kids will all be happy. which is worse? it seems pretty obvious.

after calling my mom last night and explaining this to her, she agreed. my dad, of course, in the background commented angrily that this is the same thing he was trying to explain to her as well. so after we got off the phone, she called my sister to sort things out. i’m not sure how that went, but in the end my mom sent another text saying christmas would be on the 24th like usual.

thing 2

k has been very stubborn about her budget. she is doing some unrealistic calculations and estimates and the end result is she doesn’t believe she can afford anything other than a literal hovel. i have tried to show her more realistic numbers. two banks have given her numbers on what kind of mortgage she could afford, and yet she has remained solidly fixed on her estimates.

she’s gone to see several houses now which fit in this price bracket and they are all… less than pleasant? like they need work, they need renovations. and then they could be very nice, but they are not move in ready.

i have tried a few times now to show her listings that are a little more expensive, but still VERY affordable, that have already been renovated. homes which are move in ready. and she has snubbed her nose up at each and every one of them saying “too expensive, i’m not even going to look”.

well, last night after visiting 2 houses in her price bracket, and calculating some of the time and money needed to renovate them… she can back and admitted that i was probably right and that she was being unrealistic about her budget.

yet another reason why things are broken between us. how many times have i tried to tell her something only to be completely dismissed so she can go and figure it out on her own and ultimately realize i was right all along. how the heck is that a partnership? where is the trust? anyways… i’m happy that she has started to reconsider her budget considerations, this will open up several much better, less stressful opportunities for her.

i’m feeling kind of anxious today. not sure about what, but it doesn’t feel good. nothing bad has happened, there are no signs of anything bad about to happen, no one has said anything weird or suspicious, yet my spidey senses are on overdrive.

my legs are shaking a mile a minute, my concentration is completely shot, my stomach feels like it is turning over itself, what the hell is going on?

i need to calm myself down somehow, but i don’t really know what will work. for real, the only thing that comes to mind is eating cookies or something… which is strange as fuck, because i can’t even remember the last time i ate a cookie. so why am i craving cookies for comfort right now?

i’m racking my brain to try figure out where this feeling is coming from, but i’m coming up empty… and this focus, or whatever focus i can actually muster, is also making the feeling on anxiety even more intense. if anything, i should be hopeful, exited even… but not this, this feeling of impending doom right around the corner.

a little while ago i made a post on reddit talking about something i was struggling with that got a few responses. one in particular came in the form of a dm from someone who just wanted to wish me well. within one or two responses it was made clear that this person was also dealing with a very similar situation and also needed someone to talk to.

they said that they felt all of their friends and family were starting to get sick of hearing about the same thing over and over. which, at the time, i thought was silly. that’s what friends and family are for, right?

fast forward a few weeks and now i am starting to understand a little bit more about a lot of this.

first, nothing about this is fast. nothing about this is easy. nothing about this is simple. this is not a typical problem. this is an all encompassing and life changing event, but only for those directly involved. those not directly involved cannot even fathom the intricacies.

second, friends and families do care, but because they are incapable of understanding, it can be frustrating to hear what is exactly the same complaints to their ears, over and over. but it’s not the same complaints over and over though. there are subtle differences that are wildly important and, at least to the people directly involved, require detailed scrutiny, grief and even mourning.

third, flip flopping, circling, whatever you want to call it, happens almost constantly. and it’s not a simple orbit either. imagine a dozen or so orbits, all different from each other, and all interacting with each other as well. effectively a three body problem, but with emotions. it’s legitimately insane. from one day to the next, hell from one hour to the next, your entire outlook on life itself changes. and not a little bit, i’m talking dramatically changes. one moment you can be hopeful for the future and making all kinds of plans for things you want to do, or experience or whatever, and then literal moments later, you’re researching the laws regarding how long you need to wait between when you get a firearm license and when you can purchase one. it’s fucked.

so, all of this combined and the end result is an impossible strain on the personal relationships you have with other people, right in the middle of when you are straining, or realistically severing the most important relationship in your life up until then. makes for a bit of a feedback loop, doesn’t it?

today i feel like i have strained a few personal relationships to an unacceptable point. there’s a few people who i feel are getting sick of hearing from me about the same shit over and over. to my face they say they want to know, they want to help, they want to listen… and i don’t doubt their sincerity. but i don’t think they can even really understand any of this and it’s all just wearing everything a little too thin now.

although a lesson i have learned recently is to not internalize everything, i may have perhaps taken that a bit too far and need to reel things back in a bit. i need to keep some things to myself, inside. at least for a while.

sometimes the biggest difficulty i have when writing here is deciding on what i want to write about. at any given time i have like a thousand different competing ideas in my head and even though you might think that makes it easy to just write about anything, it actually makes it nearly impossible because as soon as i start writing about any one specific thing, there are 999 other ideas which are telling me “no… that’s not what you should be writing about, is it?”

and so i have about a million drafts here in wordpress, some of which are pages long, and others are just a word… and none of them will ever see the light of day because they’ve been internally veto’ed. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

even now, writing about this, this stupid thought about having stupid competing thoughts which stupidly prevent me from writing… how is this the winner? is this really what’s most important? i guess if i think about it, the reason why this is going to be written out and published is because it’s easy. it’s the writing equivalent of phoning it in. there’s no deep thought, there’s no vulnerable admission, there’s no controversial opinion or great revelation… it’s just fluff.

except admitting that i know this is bullshit, and still publishing it kind of makes it transcend from being pointless drivel to actually admitting something about myself in a way, doesn’t it?

i know you mean well, but you have to understand that this is not an easy thing to talk about. it’s not an easy thing to relive over and over and over. we don’t have that type of relationship where i fully trust you with my most intimate thoughts and feelings. not because i don’t love you, but because that’s just not who we have ever been to each other.

i am already trying my hardest not to cause unnecessary pain to her and the kids. i need to censor myself, i need to stuff away certain thoughts and feelings. i need to be careful and considerate for their sake. it is taking most of my emotional energy to do that. so when you try to insert yourself into a position you have never occupied before, it doesn’t quite work. and honestly, it’s not really welcomed either.

i told you that i am ok, and that i can manage, and that i don’t need anything right now. can you accept that? do i need to make up a false need that you can satisfy in order for you to feel ok about this? or can you just take my word for it that i am ok?

today was spent visiting potential houses that k could purchase. she asked me to go with her as support and another set of eyes. i agreed, but didn’t really think it would be this taxing to be honest. i am burnt out, worn down, exhausted in just about every way.

this morning k was following me from room to room, just making excuses to be there. i go to the living room, she follows and sits on the couch to read. i go to the kitchen to make myself food, she follows and start putting away dishes. i go to the bed room, she follows and starts puttering around with some laundry. i didn’t want to snap at her, so i said nothing, but it was already getting me a little frustrated.

around noon it was time to go visit houses. so now we were together in the same car, and then together going through houses, and then together talking about what was good, what was bad, etc.

all of this proximity has caused certain annoyances that i previously ignored or disregarded to bubble to the surface of my consciousness once more. whether it be how she drives inattentively with atrocious throttle control, the music she listens to which is simultaneously generic and depressing, the expressions she uses which are either cringe or just nonsense, or any number of otherwise insignificant details all now feel like insurmountable and unignorable irritants.

after all of the house visits were done, k then wanted to go visit j&k and tell them what was going on. i really was not up to it but just went along with it anyways. it was awkward. whatever. it’s done now.

i must remain strong. this is a temporary discomfort which will lead to a greater happiness in the future. picking a fight over this won’t help anything. it will just make things worse. so bite your tongue, smile and nod, choose your words wisely.

last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.

sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.

never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.

i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.

i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.

i suppose it was to be expected. there’s a reason why this all happened and that wasn’t going to change. i’m not sure what i had expected.

still, i hope, i wish for, i pray that we can at least find some kind of middle ground to make it through this to the other side without completely hating each other.

i am trying to help you, i know you don’t see it, because all you see right now is how i am hurting you, but if you take a moment and look at what i am doing, what i am saying, you’ll see that i have very much put aside any feelings or emotions or needs or wants that i have right now and i am working only on what you want, save one major exception.

how upside down is that?

and then when you actually use that against me and say things like you did last night before we both went to bed, how am i supposed to react?

it feels like you would actually rather that i start a fight with you. you would rather have me be an asshole, a jerk, a monster to you. i suppose that would make it easier, possibly for both of us, wouldn’t it? but you’re forgetting one thing, one very important thing. if we go to war with each other, the children get stuck in the cross fire. i’m not going to permit that. i am not going to go down that road.

so if that means i need to be on the receiving end of your snide, demeaning, mean or vindictive commentary, so be it. i’ve been able to survive long enough in that environment, i can continue to survive a bit longer.

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.