Category: :(

i just want to be your sweet heart

when i removed a bunch of posts a few days ago, one of them included this song. i didn’t want to take it down, but i wrote some stuff that really i should have kept to myself and didn’t feel good about leaving it out there. but this song is still important to me.

so… take two.

for me, this song really embodies the feeling of limerence, obsession, infatuation, love addiction. feeling something so strongly for someone who, realistically, doesn’t even know you exist. so much so that you’re willing to humiliate yourself, subject yourself to any amount of suffering, debasement and degradation, just to get that hit of dopamine from the slightest bit of attention.

it’s a delusion, and it’s harmful. it hurts. and yet you can’t help it, and you do it willingly.

eugh.

better help review – part 1

so far, not impressed.

sign up has you go through a whole slew of questions, many of which, at least for me, don’t have a definitive answer, or the answers they provide don’t really apply or aren’t quite right. on it’s own though, that’s not a deal breaker, i mean i get it, you have to start somewhere, right?

the part that kind of soured it for me at the start is how after spending a good 20 minutes answering questions, you are then hit with the payment screen. at this point you’re invested, you’ve committed time to answer truthfully and from the heart, at least for me i was feeling pretty vulnerable… so when the payment option comes up it felt like a slap in the face.

i am not trying to say it should be free or anything like that, far from it. it’s just the way that the site does it makes it feel predatory almost.

the billing model is weird. they give you the weekly price, but then say it’s billed every 4 weeks, so why not just make it a monthly price? there are a metric fuckton of youtubers pushing this platform right now so discount codes are abundant. i chose a fellow canadian i really like as my referrer, thanks @Julie Nolke! got a few bucks off, so in the end just shy of 400 CAD for the month.

Once in the platform, you need to answer more questions, and then wait for a match to a therapist. they say it could take 24/48 hours, but i was matched in just about an hour or so.

unfortunately, the person i was matched to was about to go on holiday or something? so their first availability is only next week. ehhhhh…..

so remember the weird billing model? if that’s a 2 way street, then i am now paying 1 week to wait. really?

anyhow, we’ll see how this works out. in the meantime i am checking out the rest of the platform. yesterday i explored the journaling system which allows you to write whatever you want, they offer various prompts to help inspire you or get you started. you can attach a feeling to the entry and you also have the option to share it with your therapist. seems pretty well thought out and has all the functions and features you could expect. i made an entry, but decided not to share it with my therapist just yet, i’m not even certain i will stay with this one and wait the week. apparently one of the features of better help is that you can change any time, so maybe i’ll try that.

help

i signed up for online therapy today. i don’t know if i really believe in it or not, but i figured it couldn’t hurt. seeing as i have literally no one else to talk to at this point, i guess it’s something.

i also messaged k8 last night and wrote a comment to her blog post from 2005. she’s probably the only one who i might even feel a little bit comfortable talking to about things. that might have been a mistake. it’s probably been too long since we last talked. i hope my message doesn’t upset her. that’s the last thing i want. although it’s completely unfair for me to expect a response, i really hope i get one anyways. not that i would even deserve it.

it’s m’s birthday today, and as much as i really really really want to send a message, i won’t. i can’t go back there. that’s done. i fucked that up beyond imagination.

today i learned

learning something new is such a double edged sword.

understanding something sets you on the path to harnessing, controlling, manipulating or avoiding it’s power or effects. in my professional life, this is my bread and butter. i’ve earned what i have by being better than most at understanding the business i’m in, the technology we use and the people involved. i’m not afraid of facing new situations or scenarios, i welcome being thrown to the wolves, i seek out conflict wherever i can as it always yields results. i’m a research junkie. i love fucking around and finding out. the key part of it all though is that it’s 100% done with a purpose in mind. as a result, even if the exercise is what most people would consider a failure, i will have learned something new and then can use that to influence other decisions. there are 2 things i like to tell my team all the time which i think might drive some of them a little bit crazy, but i do it anyways. “if you didn’t see it with your own 2 eyes, it didn’t happen” and “i may not always be right, but i am never wrong”. the former mostly used in the context of being faced with a problem that seems unsolvable, go back to the beginning and take nothing for granted, you missed something or were mislead by someone. you are missing information. the later is mostly used in the context of taking giant confident leaps in certain directions to solve a problem based on your gut feeling from previous experiences and if for nothing else it can help rule out certain factors quickly or at least you will have learned something, and if you learn something, then it wasn’t a failure, and you were not wrong to do it.

the flip side of the knowledge coin is that once you learn something, you can’t really ever unlearn it. and not all knowledge is comfortable. not all knowledge is helpful. not all knowledge is safe. at least on the professional side, this is less of an issue, at least for me. no one is going to get hurt. it’s all about money and time. yes, maybe you may lose money, but money comes and goes. you can always make more money. and time passes whether you like it or not, there are always 24 hours in the day and there will always be 24 hours in the next day as well.

on the personal side of things… well… that’s where it’s a little different. every time you learn something about someone else, your relationship changes. especially when you learn something about them they didn’t want you to know. that in itself is scary to me because there’s no take backsies, once you know, you know and now you deal with it, or suffer internally, but at least you have the choice. what’s even more terrifying is when you learn something about yourself. you can pretend to ignore it, but you will always know and you don’t really have a choice but to deal with it in some way or another eventually.

today i learned about limerence, and well… fuck me. i don’t really know how to process this new information. it almost feels too easy to now just blame certain feelings i have been dealing with and behaviors i’ve been exhibiting on something instead of figuring them out myself and properly correcting them. like seriously? what the fuck? reading the definition alone i felt a sudden, and overwhelming sense of relief. but at the same time, it feels… undeserved? and then i kind of felt sick.

then i took a look at r/limerence and my mind was blown.

even more so now i feel like this is a cop-out. it’s like when a client opens a ticket for an issue with one of their systems and the issue is caused by a known bug with no vendor provided patch, solution or work around. the only thing we can tell the client is that unfortunately it’s a limitation of the system and that there’s nothing to be done. i fucking HAAAAATE that. i much prefer situations that ARE fixable.

does my software have a bug? who do i need to talk to in order to get the developer to release a patch?

i think i need more time to think about this.

cars are pain

twice in the last week someone has asked me “so steve… what’s your next car going to be?” and both times i really could not answer.

i am due, over due actually. i’ve had the s4 for 5 years now. when was the last time i kept the same car for more than a year? i can’t even remember.

admittedly the s4 is good… it’s been 100% reliable, it doesn’t look dated, it’s still mint inside and out. it’s taken all the mods i’ve thrown at it really well, and nothing has broken despite pushing just shy of 500 and i can shoot fucking flames out the tailpipe if i want. the only thing that mayyyyybe isn’t the best is the suspension, but that’s my own dumbass fault for wanting to live the low life, so i can deal. at least rene levesque and st laurent have been repaved recently in the worst spots so i can make it to work when i need to get to the office now, just can’t enter the parking without scraping lol.

if i were to get into something else, what the hell would i go for that makes sense?

rs5? they’re fucking expensive and stock, my s4 wins all day. so that doesn’t work.

golf r? i’ve already had one, but could see myself getting another. except i can’t deal with the stupid haptic touch infotainment crap vw did. mk9 is supposed to go back to buttons. so for now it’s a no, to be re-evaluated next year.

porsche macan? other than the turbo or gts, it’s a q5. lame. and the turbo and gts both have the same problem as the rs5, expensive, and not that fast stock. also, it’s basically a snooty sq5.

sq5? arguments could be made… stock it is slow, but not that expeez to fix that. but since when am i an suv guy? mehhh…

so what if i keep the s4 and instead buy someone else’s problem, i mean project car?

late 80’s porsche 944’s are nice, and reasonably affordable… parts are a little harder to find, but not impossible. they’re also simple enough that i could probably do most of the wrenching myself. they are slow af though. that’s a problem. and i’m not about to turbo or sc a 30-40 year old porsche motor. swap? 1.8t? vr6? hmmm i’ll put this in the maybe column.

late 70’s mki vw rabbit is another one on my list of cars i must own before i die. but unfortunately, ’round here they’re all rusted to shit by now. i could try to import one from the us… they would classify as classic so no special retrofit or anything. but what a colossal pain in the ass. i dunno. also, they’re getting more and more expensive now, and parts are basically unobtainable. dan’s had one in his shop for like a year now waiting on parts… not sure i can do that. might need to find one that’s already mostly restored. $$$

eugh.. so what do i do? talk about first world problems here.

i should probably wash the s4 and take some pics this weekend.

person vs persona

i’ve been reading through archives of my old blog from the before time and it got me thinking… how do you draw the line between your online persona and yourself? how do you even define that? really, if you think about it, how is your online persona any different from you as a real life person just straight up lying and telling stories to people who may very well take you at face value?

i feel like so few people present their true selves online. it’s as if when you’re online, it’s a fantasy world where anything goes and you can be whoever you want to be. it’s somehow completely independent from the ‘real world’. and you know, maybe at one point that was true in the early years of the web, but things have changed a lot since then. someone smarter than me could probably make the argument that the online world and the real world have actually switched places in recent years making the stuff that happens online more ‘real’ and the stuff that happens in the real world somehow less real…

if you do something in the real world, unless there has been some kind of recording of it, once it’s done, it’s done. it’s only a memory at that point. but pretty much anything done online leaves traces, it leaves evidence, it leaves proof. it is even more real than real life! you can’t hide from your past online. you can’t deny things you’ve said or done so easily any more. online anonymity is a lie. sure, you can do all kinds of things to try to hide who you are, but ultimately, someone who is clever or resourceful enough will always find a way to circumvent whatever supposed protections you put in place.

which brings me back to my original question, if you have a persona online, how do you separate that from who you really are? what mental gymnastics do you do to rationalize it? or are you just ok with lying?

realisations

i’ve always struggled with the concept of mental health. like, in theory i understand, but in practice it never made sense to me. i think i’ve always had a pretty strong hold of my thoughts and feelings, i’m not usually prone to sudden outbursts of emotion, i can usually rationalize most things, i can usually win the battle between brain and heart easily enough. so things like depression for example just always seemed kind of made up to me. like it was just a convenient excuse to get out of anything because heaven forbid anyone ever calls you out on it. like ok, you’re sad, great, suck it up butter cup, i’m sad too, but we got shit to do, so bottle that shit up and lets go. it doesn’t make sense to stay in bed all day, it doesn’t make sense to zone out, none of that behavior makes sense! if you have something you need to do, then do it. or don’t, but then be prepared for the consequences.

i think part of the problem is that i’ve always seen it black and white like that. as if all the world was binary and there are always only 2 values possible. i mean, for a lot of things it really is like that. right or wrong, up or down, more or less, in or out, yes or no… but feelings… mother fucking feelings… they ain’t so binary i am slowly realizing. i mean, i know there are not only 2 feelings, but for pretty much my whole adult life i’ve treated most feelings like an on/off switch. you’re happy about something or you’re not. you are sad about something or you’re not. you’re nervous or you’re not.

you love someone or you don’t.

wait… what was that last one? you love someone or you don’t… ouff… i’m not so sure any more. i mean, for most people in my life it’s true. i love z and l and would take a bullet for them no matter what. n and m, even though it is not usually reciprocated, i love whole heartedly as well. e, j, g, t, all of them, say the word and i’m there, no questions asked.

k8 i will always love, even though she’s no longer present in my life.

k i will always love… but… i don’t think in the same way… in some ways it’s more than all the other’s combined, but in other ways, it’s the exact opposite.

think of it this way, i always believed i lived in a world where everything is binary, there are valid values of 1 and 0. everything is easily processed and categorized. and then all of a sudden there’s a 2. and a 3. and an l,m,n,o and p as well as a, emoji representing macaroni salad. how do you process that?

i guess that’s what i have been feeling for a while. and my stupid brain just rejected the “faulty” data and only accepted the valid 1’s and 0’s. but all of a sudden now i am realizing there are petabytes of this supposed invalid data in the cache and it all needs to be processed.

i’ve got some work to do.