Category: :(

hey there old friend, where ya been? i thought you had finally abandoned me, but i guess you were just taking a break? you know, i didn’t invite you over. there isn’t an open door policy here. you’re not welcome in my life. i was actually starting to enjoy things again, and then tonight you just show up and ruin it? what gives?

it’s late, i have to work tomorrow. what are you still doing here? you’ve overstayed your welcome. go pester someone else.

who am i kidding? you’re never going to leave me, are you? you’ll always come back just when i least expect it, unannounced and for no good reason. what is it you want this time? you want to tell me about how selfish i am? oh, that’s a fun game. or wait, no, you want to seed my head with doubts about every single interpersonal relationship i currently, or have ever had? fuck yeah! good times. or is it something else tonight? maybe you want to tell me stories about how i am just not good enough, not smart enough, not clever or caring enough? you know, that’s a super interesting topic to discuss too. i can’t wait to explore every detail of that with you.

i have crippling stage fright, performance anxiety, nervousness, whatever you want to call it. there are too many triggers for me to count, but suffice it to say, public speaking is a big one, but so is talking to anyone where i may perceive myself as being in a vulnerable position.

i hate it so much. i didn’t always have this problem, but i don’t really know when, how or why it started either.

it has manifested itself a few times lately and i feel like such a tool because of it. after the fact, upon reflection, there was never cause for this kind of reaction on my part, but in the moment my mind races, my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest, i turn flush, i get sweaty, i panic and forget everything i wanted to say and everything kind of just shuts down. it’s all completely involuntary.

last night i went to a company event where a handful of employees were tasked with presenting certain things. as i watched, i noticed one guy in particular who clearly suffers the very same affliction. he was visibly uncomfortable, stammering his words, repeating himself, getting lost. i could see the sweat forming on his forehead and his face turn red as he was presenting, or trying his best to. all things considered, i think he did a great job, but his very visible reaction stuck with me. is that how others perceive me too? i don’t like that at all…

in doing some cursory research on the topic, i don’t believe there is any magic bullet here other than exposure, practice, and just pushing your way through it. that sounds terrible… i do need to get over this though, for a lot of reasons.

it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.

something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?

when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.

around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.

i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.

fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.

oof. as suspected, i tried to have a straight, candid conversation about her performance and why she’s not getting a salary augmentation and it just all exploded in my face. angry crying and accusations of being unfair and insensitive. followed by “well if that’s what you think of me, then fine, there’s nothing i can do about that!” and then she hung up in my face.

god dammit. what the hell is the right thing to do here?

at this point, i tried, it didn’t work, she’s probably going to quit. if she was a high performer, that would be a big problem, but she isn’t, so i am not terribly worried. at the same time i do feel pretty shit about it.

there is nothing i fear more at work than a female subordinate who is crying over something work related.

i legit have no clue how to handle it. no matter what i do, it seems like it just makes things worse. i don’t know what to do in those situations.

i have no problems dealing with a female coworker (subordinate or peer) who is crying because their dog died, their boyfriend left them, they got hurt or injured, or anything like that. i can deal with that. i may not be an expert, but i know enough to be able to offer support, comfort or just a sympathetic ear. it may not be fun, it may not be comfortable, but ultimately, i can manage well enough.

when the tears are because of work… fuck me. none of that applies. none of it makes sense any more. all the rules are out the window.

today i received a call from an employee who had recently had several performance issues, received an unfavorable yearly evaluation from their manager and was forced to abandon their current 4 day a week schedule in favor of a 5 day a week schedule (same number of hours, just a different distribution. we’re not slave drivers…) because the 1 day a week absence was not something she was managing appropriately. so, admittedly not great, i get that, but i know she can do better, i know she has it in her to succeed, her employment was not being terminated or anything like that. she was just not really achieving her potential, or even the expectations of her role and things had to change to set her on the right track. yes along with these negative things also came a commitment from her direct manager as well as from me to assist her and provide her with appropriate and timely feedback, coaching and guidance. everyone is on her side.

several other employees who had recently switched from 4 days a week to 5 were effectively bribed into accepting this change, but they were also top performers and so the additional cost was easily justified. unfortunately this was not the case for this employee. but you know how it goes, people talk. so, she was aware that the others received pay bumps, and she did not.

I was trying to help sort out payroll issues when i was informed that this employee had not signed her new contract yet, but was already working 5 days a week. this of course messed up all the calculation in the payroll system so that’s why i asked her to give me a call so we could sort it out.

she indeed had not signed the contract because she disagreed, or was unhappy with it. it took all of about 60 seconds of her asking me why other people got pay bumps for changing schedules whereas she did not before the water works started.

i fucking froze. i did not know what to say. i stammered. i wasn’t able to explain shit. when faced with a woman crying, my brain just flips into a completely different mode all together and it is involuntary.

if it was a man, i would have told him straight up “you didn’t get shit because you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. stop crying, lets work together, get your act sorted out, and then we can talk. right now i cannot justify paying you more for a job you’re not doing properly. i know this may be upsetting, but i also know you can do better.”

but because it was a woman, i just couldn’t offer the same level of candor. i felt like i had to do anything in my power to help her, because she was a woman. i felt like if i told her she didn’t get anything because she was not doing her job properly that it would only make things a million times worse. i felt AWFUL. i don’t even remember what i said anymore other than ultimately telling her i would have to get back to her. and then i promptly contacted finance to see what could be done to help her. thankfully, i have a good relationship with our head of finance, who is also a woman, and after i explained everything she just kind of laughed (presumably because this is a common occurrence?) and she said no way, jose.

i’m going to have to talk to this employee tomorrow and explain things to her, and i am absolutely petrified to do so. i know it will just trigger more tears, and i know it will make my stupid monkey brain do the thing it’s not supposed to do again.

does that make me sexist? does that make me a sucker? shit, i don’t know. all i can tell you is i do not know how to handle this kind of situation. at all. and it’s not because i don’t know what the right thing to do is, it’s more about the involuntary reaction i have.

at what age do you become old? when i was a kid, pretty much anyone over the age of 25 was “old” but as i’ve grown older myself, that line has shifted a little every year. it’s almost as if the definition of ‘old’ in my head is not so much a fixed age itself, but rather a vague number of years older than i currently am. in 6 days i will be 45. is that old? i don’t feel old. but the signs are there around me that maybe the vague offset of years between my current age and my definition of old is getting smaller. i see friends complain more and more about their broken bodies after doing the slightest of physical activities. my best and dearest of friends falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon and repeats the same story day after day without realizing he’s repeating himself… there are people i know who have died this past year that were the same age as me.

i’m not quite ready for ‘old’ yet. i’m not sure i ever will be. there are too many things which i have not done yet, too many things which i haven’t learned, too many people i haven’t met, too many places i haven’t seen.

for the last 20 years i have outwardly told anyone who asks that i don’t care about my birthday. it’s easier that way, removes any pressure, and eliminates the possibility for disappointment. but the truth is, i do care. and every year i am disappointed. not because i want extravagant gifts or big parties or anything like that, i legit could not care less about material stuff. no, i think i am disappointed because most of the time all i want is for someone to surprise me with something thoughtful, but that rarely happens.

this year, i would like to hear from you, g. when you came back to this area i was super fucking pumped man. i missed hanging out with you. i tried to open every door i could for you and your family. i introduced you to my small, but tightly knit circle of friends, most of whom you already kind of knew from before. i kept an open door policy at my house, you were always welcome any time, without any advance notice. mi casa es su casa. i sent you messages, tried calling you, tried making plans. sometimes it worked out, but very rarely, there was always some excuse. and now you’re leaving again, for good i suspect. you’re leaving in 7 days and the last message i have from you is from 3 weeks ago when you said you would sort out whatever it is you needed to sort out and then let me know “next week” when we could hang out, to which i replied “just name the time and place and i’ll be there”. i know you’re not going to say anything. i know the next message i get from you will likely be in 2025. i won’t hold a grudge. i will still talk to you as if not even a day had passed. but still, i hope you prove me wrong and surprise me before you go.

yeah ok, i never explicitly told you, but i didn’t lie either. i just avoided the topic because it’s kind of fucked up and i don’t really want to think about it, nor talk about it. you knew though… come on. and now that i’ve confirmed it, i can’t help but feel like the mood and tone have changed. i worry that things are going to slowly deteriorate. only slowly because of the sunken cost. and that sucks. i don’t blame you though. my fault. always my fault.