Category: :)

watch – true romance

god i love this movie. dug it out from the old pile of dvds and watched it this morning, because of course it’s only streaming on the one service i don’t subscribe to. haha probably for the best anyways, i have the unrated director’s cut on dvd, which is the far superior version, right? this of course is a random youtube rip of it. not sure which version it is.

the love story between clarence and alabama just fucking kills me every. single. time. that imaginary kind of love. gah. too much. too too much. so good.

yup

the other day i wrote about birthdays and my somewhat cynical attitude towards my own. seems like this year will be no exception. :/

  • j said he wanted to cook for me on my birthday last weekend, today he cancelled.
  • my mother sent me a happy birthday text on the wrong day.
  • no word from g, he’s leaving the province for good in 3 days.
  • tomorrow i get to be dragged along to the in-laws so k can visit with her ailing dad and brother who is in town from abroad.
  • kids have friends sleeping over so i get to cook dinner for even more people.

so, exactly what i was hoping for. hahaha!

i guess it’s not really fair to just talk about the bad though. not everything is terrible.

band practice today was good, unfortunately p couldn’t make it though. even with one guitar down, it went pretty smoothly. we’ve nearly got the pretender down, so that’s something. i also FINALLY went and purchased a new drum throne. we’ll see how long this one lasts. i think i have a bad habit of rocking back and forth when playing that ends up causing these things to fail prematurely. i’m not going to stop though… just need to find one that can withstand the punishment without getting loose or bending.

also got the rough body for the SG build. i have a good feeling about this one. haven’t started anything, but for sure this week i’ll be spending too much time in the garage sanding once more.

—

writing this out i’m coming to the realization that something has changed. not long ago i was writing to myself. or maybe conversing with myself? i was angry, confused, ashamed, upset, conflicted… and the dialogue here had a very different tone. now it almost feels like i am writing to someone else to let them know what is going on instead of vomiting out whatever fucked up thoughts were in my head. i guess in the last month things have changed. for the better? i definitely feel less lonely. less isolated. there are a small handful of people i am talking to regularly now and it has made a world of difference in my overall mood. i’m really thankful to have these people in my life. i hope my presence in theirs has been beneficial to them in some way too.

milestones and setbacks

interesting day. got on the scale this morning and saw a number i have not seen in a while, that was nice. then off to work, my turn for the performance eval.. which went pretty good! got a pay raise that i know i deserve, but didn’t expect to get yet. bumped me up to a financial milestone as far an annual salary is concerned in the process. woot!

flip side would be the unhinged and angry text from j about our upcoming trip. i didn’t do anything other than try to insist he buy lederhosen for oktoberfest… because we’re all wearing them and so is everyone else. well, he apparently will not be wearing lederhosen and he “doesn’t want to hear another word about it.”. i chose not to respond. gonna see him this weekend anyways and we’ll figure it out then. funny, it’s exactly the same tone he took when the pandemic started and i tried to warn him about what was coming, he thought i was a complete lunatic and insisted it was just a cold. then when the world exploded i mentioned one time to him “just a cold huh?” and he lost it on me the same way. like dude… come on…

also, i may or may not have consumed a RIFF Limonade a la Framboise from the SQDC as a celebratory beverage for hitting a financial milestone and then had part of my brain shut down in the middle of trying to support a conversation with a. it did not go well. But no one is angry or anything, i guess it was just awkward and confusing. i should probably explain tomorrow.

go go go

i am feeling wiped out. today was nightmarishly busy at work. too many emergencies all at once, 3 people absent either due to illness or vacation on my team, other teams short as well so they try to lean on my team making the load even more unbearable. stupid mistakes made because people are rushing… eugh.

then as soon as that was done, go to pick up k’s car at dan’s. holy shit looking at the parts he replaced, i am amazed no one died. i should have taken pictures, but i was too busy being mortified by the invoice. on the plus side, i get my car back now. apparently it only scraped the underside 4 times a day for a week. that’s not too bad, right? fml. looks like i will be going back to see dan soon but for my car instead. AWE? Polo? Borla? tbd.

feed kids, rush rush rush, off to soccer. then it’s time for me… 40 minutes of intense drumming old blink 182. i’m now dripping with sweat and completely knackered.

i’m done.

oh, almost forgot, i had someone ask me today if i liked redheaded sluts. i did not know that was a drink. it almost became reeeeal awkward, reeeeal fast. thankfully i clued in to the fact that it was a drink before i opened my mouth.

of course it’s hailing.

holy moly. my thoughts are about as turbulent as the weather outside right now. thunder, lightning, overwhelming rain and even hail all made their presence very known this afternoon, followed by an unusual calm. mother nature, i’m with you on this one.

i had a video call with k8 this afternoon. i have not seen her face or heard her voice in so so long… she hasn’t aged a day, that isn’t to say she hasn’t changed though. she definitely seemed genuinely content, in control, or at least as much as you can be with little kids in your life. she seemed happy and that made me happy too. gone was the cloud of uncertainty that used to follow her around. anyhow, to say the whole thing wasn’t overwhelming, wonderful, nostalgic, exciting, heart wrenching, heartwarming, cathartic and even intimidating all at once (for me) would be an outright lie. words almost completely failed me. there are a million and one things, but everything just got caught in my throat.

it’s truly mind boggling how i can write and write and write and spill my guts through my fingertips, but as soon as there is eye contact, as soon as there are facial expressions, as soon as there are little noises of approval or disapproval, everything just grinds to a halt. when did that happen? why did that happen?

despite the mental road blocks, i am really happy the ice is broken now. i hope there is more to come.

a couple of things came up that i do need to deal with sooner rather than later however. the fact that k doesn’t know about any of this makes it somewhat uncomfortable for her. i am uncomfortable about it too. it’s making something harmless into something malicious. but i’m convinced that telling her will only hurt her. that’s the very last thing i want. of course if she finds out on her own, it will likely hurt more. i’m not sure what the solution is here. i’m not even sure there is one where no one loses. maybe the best thing is to be honest, and then live with the consequences, though i worry that will just foster even more resentment.

and then there’s precipitating events that triggered this to even happen in the first place. i know i need to talk about it but i’m so damn worried. worried that it will taint whatever memories or history exist in her head. worried that it will make me look like a cretin, a deviant, a degenerate in her eyes. but why do i care so much? why is this so important to me? why is the opinion of someone who i haven’t even spoken to in so long and isn’t actually a present force in my life this heavy on my heart? i don’t fucking know, but it is.

there’s so much more i want to say, but maybe i should sleep on things and digest a little.

gravitational pull

when i started this blog, there were a few things that kind of reached a tipping point for me. self esteem i suspect plays a role in them all, which is weird in a way because i never really considered myself to have a problem in that regard. upon much reflection, i’m starting to think maybe i do?

in any case, one of the things i don’t like about myself, and haven’t for a long time, is my weight. i know i am not morbidly obese or anything like that, but i definitely have a “beer belly” going on, and it bothers me. wearing certain clothing makes me self conscious, taking off my shirt when i go swimming makes me feel embarrassed, hell even walking around the house without a shirt on in front of my own family gives me icky feelings about myself.

so, an easily identified problem, which i know how to fix, is being worked on. one month ago i weighed 267 lbs. probably the heaviest i have ever been. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. but i can fix this.

first step is identifying what constitutes success? that’s a tricky one, because i’m not really sure. i of course have done a bit of research, but a lot of what i found seems a little disconnected from reality. for example:

at 167, i think i would probably look like a fucking skeleton. that doesn’t at ALL sound healthy to me.

various other sources indicated anywhere from 150 to 210 as ideal weight for my age and height. i think 210 might be achievable, but i think that’s more of a stretch goal. realistically, i think i would be happy at 225. more than happy, in fact. so, success is 225 lbs and i am giving myself 6 months to get there and remain stable. basically by 2025.

now, how am i doing this? what’s the plan? the answer is science of course! calories in < calories out. my basal metabolic rate i’ve estimated to be about 2100. on a day where i practice drumming for an hour or two, that gives me an extra 1000. mow the lawn, an extra 500 or so. doing my regular errands on saturday morning an extra 400, give or take. etc, etc, etc…

so, if i reduce my caloric intake as a function of my caloric expenditure, then i will lose weight. easy peasy.

i’ve been doing this for a month now, and as of this morning i am down to 251. that’s fucking HUGE. maybe even too much at once, i don’t know, i’m not an expert of course. either way, a win is a win.

new friends?

jeez louise! so… i tried the whole make new friends on reddit and wow, i was NOT expecting what happened next. i was fully expecting maybe one or two replies. TOPS. and i expected 100% to be garbage/spam. but noooo… i got 15 replies within the first like 6 hours. holy crap! i cannot manage 15 conversations at once!

all is not lost though, there are 2 people who replied that i actually think i might enjoy talking to. one of which is a veteran redditor, nearly as seasoned as me, so they understand the lore. which is fucking amazing. no one else gets it when i ask what a potato is, or gag at the mention of a jolly rancher. they do. so that’s kind of fun. haven’t chatted too much yet, so we’ll see how it goes. other than reddit memes i’m not sure we have that much in common though.

the other person seems to be a little bit more like minded. definitely when it comes to music, cars, pets, work and sense of humor. had a good long chat tonight. felt good. i’m happy with this. i hope it continues. a small part of me worries it’s fake. you know what they say about things that seem too good to be true…

i have a bunch of others completely unread still, i am going to have to sort through that tomorrow.

and for once, i think i am actually tired at a semi reasonable hour? wild.

lemonade

as i woke up this morning my head was filled with new ideas and thoughts. not sure if i just slept well, or if i had some kind of inspirational dreams that i immediately forgot or what, but it’s a welcome change from the usual dread i have felt for a while now.

first things first, i need to start making lemonade, it’s not going to make itself. i have to turn some things around, and i think that has to start with my general outlook on things. for a long while now i have been hyper focused on the negative, i have to broaden my view. not everything is bad, not everything is doom and gloom, not everything is hopeless. no one is going to save me, so i have to make things better myself. i will fail, i will fuck up, i will make mistakes. that’s ok. i can learn from that. besides, there ARE good things in my life. i need to acknowledge and celebrate those things more.

next, i think i have put WAY too many expectations on a certain individual, and it is completely unfair of me to have done so. i don’t know if it’s just being too busy, if it’s disinterest, or something else entirely, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. i am owed quite literally nothing, and i can’t expect anything more than that, no matter how much i might want it. what exists currently is too precious to me to risk spoiling again. i am happy just knowing that there is some form of dialogue after all these years, and that has to be good enough. no, that *is* good enough. i regret the long silence, i regret the way in which i broke the silence, but i do NOT regret breaking the silence at all. i know you’re going to read this and i hope you don’t take my words the wrong way.

all that said, i clearly need to fucking talk. a lot. and frequently. this place helps, but it’s an echo chamber. i need more than that. i need dialogue. i need new ideas. i need some kind of tether to reality. i need distraction, i need to compare notes, i need to have some kind of symbiotic accountability feedback loop that works both ways. i am talking to a therapist now, but that’s once a week, it’s very one sided and honestly, i’m still not convinced this is for me. as far as other friends, j is too emotionally stunted, g is a ghost, e is too close, k is… well… that’s a whole other thing, t looks up to me too much. it seems i don’t have many good options at my disposal currently. perhaps i need to find someone else? i think? maybe? i know there are entire subreddits dedicated to making new friends, maybe i can start there? if nothing else, it might be entertaining for a short while.

at home i need to redouble my efforts. it doesn’t matter if there isn’t any kind of reciprocity. i need to do it for me. i need to prove to myself that i am the person i think i am, that i know i am. i need to swallow my pride, i need to show the example. it’s my job to fix this because no one else will.

lastly, i think i have been too hard on myself. i’ve been told that by a few people lately, and maybe i need to listen. this one is going to be difficult to overcome though. my go-to for as long as i can remember is self deprecation. if i can shit on myself before anyone else has an opportunity, then they are less likely to do so themselves. it’s manipulative and it’s cowardly. that’s not who i am. i’m better than that.

better help – part trois

this will be my last update for a while on this. not because i don’t have thoughts or opinions, not because i am stopping or cancelling it, but because i think i need more time to really develop my thoughts on this and witness some form of material improvement over time… updating weekly i don’t think will be doing anyone justice.

so where do i stand on whether this is worthwhile after today’s appointment? still undecided.

so much of this has me rolling my eyes at myself asking if i am serious right now. i mean, i’m an avid consumer of tv and movies and protagonists in therapy is certainly an overused trope in just about any modern story. so i am not unfamiliar with at least the hollywood interpretation of how this goes. the conversations are surprisingly predictable in the sense that these are all conversations i have had with myself or here with you, nameless, faceless internet, over and over again. so yes, i roll my eyes. and yes i am asking myself how i can take this seriously. and i think that may be part of the problem to be honest. if i was able to unfuck myself on my own, i guess i probably would have done it by now, right?

i guess sometimes things are done certain ways for a reason (i know, what a shocking revelation, right?), as trivial or trite as it may seem, literally just talking to someone who i don’t know and have no fear of saying something which may hurt their feelings, or give them the wrong impression, or change the way they see me is kind of freeing. so i am going to give it a go for a while and see what happens.