Category: :)

lemonade

as i woke up this morning my head was filled with new ideas and thoughts. not sure if i just slept well, or if i had some kind of inspirational dreams that i immediately forgot or what, but it’s a welcome change from the usual dread i have felt for a while now.

first things first, i need to start making lemonade, it’s not going to make itself. i have to turn some things around, and i think that has to start with my general outlook on things. for a long while now i have been hyper focused on the negative, i have to broaden my view. not everything is bad, not everything is doom and gloom, not everything is hopeless. no one is going to save me, so i have to make things better myself. i will fail, i will fuck up, i will make mistakes. that’s ok. i can learn from that. besides, there ARE good things in my life. i need to acknowledge and celebrate those things more.

next, i think i have put WAY too many expectations on a certain individual, and it is completely unfair of me to have done so. i don’t know if it’s just being too busy, if it’s disinterest, or something else entirely, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. i am owed quite literally nothing, and i can’t expect anything more than that, no matter how much i might want it. what exists currently is too precious to me to risk spoiling again. i am happy just knowing that there is some form of dialogue after all these years, and that has to be good enough. no, that *is* good enough. i regret the long silence, i regret the way in which i broke the silence, but i do NOT regret breaking the silence at all. i know you’re going to read this and i hope you don’t take my words the wrong way.

all that said, i clearly need to fucking talk. a lot. and frequently. this place helps, but it’s an echo chamber. i need more than that. i need dialogue. i need new ideas. i need some kind of tether to reality. i need distraction, i need to compare notes, i need to have some kind of symbiotic accountability feedback loop that works both ways. i am talking to a therapist now, but that’s once a week, it’s very one sided and honestly, i’m still not convinced this is for me. as far as other friends, j is too emotionally stunted, g is a ghost, e is too close, k is… well… that’s a whole other thing, t looks up to me too much. it seems i don’t have many good options at my disposal currently. perhaps i need to find someone else? i think? maybe? i know there are entire subreddits dedicated to making new friends, maybe i can start there? if nothing else, it might be entertaining for a short while.

at home i need to redouble my efforts. it doesn’t matter if there isn’t any kind of reciprocity. i need to do it for me. i need to prove to myself that i am the person i think i am, that i know i am. i need to swallow my pride, i need to show the example. it’s my job to fix this because no one else will.

lastly, i think i have been too hard on myself. i’ve been told that by a few people lately, and maybe i need to listen. this one is going to be difficult to overcome though. my go-to for as long as i can remember is self deprecation. if i can shit on myself before anyone else has an opportunity, then they are less likely to do so themselves. it’s manipulative and it’s cowardly. that’s not who i am. i’m better than that.

better help – part trois

this will be my last update for a while on this. not because i don’t have thoughts or opinions, not because i am stopping or cancelling it, but because i think i need more time to really develop my thoughts on this and witness some form of material improvement over time… updating weekly i don’t think will be doing anyone justice.

so where do i stand on whether this is worthwhile after today’s appointment? still undecided.

so much of this has me rolling my eyes at myself asking if i am serious right now. i mean, i’m an avid consumer of tv and movies and protagonists in therapy is certainly an overused trope in just about any modern story. so i am not unfamiliar with at least the hollywood interpretation of how this goes. the conversations are surprisingly predictable in the sense that these are all conversations i have had with myself or here with you, nameless, faceless internet, over and over again. so yes, i roll my eyes. and yes i am asking myself how i can take this seriously. and i think that may be part of the problem to be honest. if i was able to unfuck myself on my own, i guess i probably would have done it by now, right?

i guess sometimes things are done certain ways for a reason (i know, what a shocking revelation, right?), as trivial or trite as it may seem, literally just talking to someone who i don’t know and have no fear of saying something which may hurt their feelings, or give them the wrong impression, or change the way they see me is kind of freeing. so i am going to give it a go for a while and see what happens.

explorer build update 2

jesus tapdancing christ. it’s 30c out, and probably about 36c in the garage. 36 stagnant, dusty, degrees. still, at least i got something done. it’s better than nothing. tomorrow i tackle the rest.

side note: i have a problem with wheels i think. why do i have 4 complete sets of wheels and tires for the s4? wait no, 5 if i count the ones on there already. i also have another set on order. what the fuck man?

i miss aim

definitely about to show my age here, but whatever. i really miss AOL instant messenger. i miss the nonsense font choices people made. i miss having a buddy list. i miss the away messages. i miss desperately searching for meaning in the lyrics people posted in their away messages!

i know, i know, facebook messenger, discord, telegram, snapchat, imessage, bla bla bla… it’s not the same thing. these try to do too many things all at once. they’re too connected to a million other features, platforms, distractions, etc.

when i think about it, i really miss a lot about the early days of the internet in general. it seemed a lot more ‘special’ back then. everything that existed really showed how much, or how little effort an actual, real person put into it. everything was so much more intentional. everything was so much more personal.

i remember when i built my first web server way back when. i had just moved out of my parents house and took over the spare room in j&k’s apartment @5309. i didn’t have a computer, nor did i have very much money, so i scoured the local newspaper’s classifieds section to find something for sale and i ended up finding a used 486DX4 system in a giant metal tower for a price i could manage.

the only operating system install media i had were a million different versions of macintosh system (6, 7, 8 and maybe 9 too? i’m not sure that was out yet.) and a handful of freeBSD disquettes. so, freeBSD it was, because macintosh system was 68k only and this was x86. i had no clue what i was doing, no clue how to make it work, no documentation, no nothing. yet somehow i got x working, and then somehow i got it online too.

i think i probably ended up getting debian install media too at some point and switched to that, but, honestly, i don’t remember all that much from back then any more. heck even what i do remember is probably wrong too haha

i must have been using a dyndns domain back then, because i only registered my current domain back in the summer of 2002. no, not this one, my actual one… not that this one isn’t real… ahh forget it. you know what i mean.

having to figure everything out, learn how the operating systems worked, learn how apache works, learn how bind works, learn how sendmail works, all of it so that then you could learn how html works and then learn how to make something that was even a little bit functional and all that work, just so you could post some nonsense online that was important to you… like, that’s a lot of fucking work. back then you had to really want it. you had to really care.

compared to today where this very site took me all of about 17 seconds to set up from beginning to end. it’s not the same. honestly, it feels disposable. like if i just deleted this whole thing tomorrow, would it even really phase me? i could start again somewhere else in no time flat.

don’t worry, i have no intention of deleting this place any time soon. i just really miss the old days.

now get of my damn lawn you kids!

chubs and prom queen

tabarnak. last night was great, but oh boy am i ever paying for it this morning.

j&k, m&j2, you are good people. i’m happy to count you as friends. j2 i am sorry you are perpetually the asshole, but at least m got to be prez this time! for one round anyways lol. and thank you so much for hosting, cooking, cleaning. most of that is usually my job, so taking a break from it felt great, also everything was delicious!

there was a lot of reminiscing tonight as well. j&k and i share a lot of history… i mean, j has been my best friend since we were like 13 or 14 years old. and i’ve been friends with k for just about as long too. we all used to live together too at one point. man, we had some good times.

band today. i don’t know if i am going to make it. at least i know j and m are going to be in similar boats after last night.

i think we might play some more of our own stuff today, or at least i am going to suggest that. last night m was pumped to show us some things he was working on, and also was strangely motivated by something i wrote when we first started this, played it once or twice and then discarded it. i thought no one liked it, but i guess it just needed to ferment a little.

better help – part deux

mixed feelings… i did ultimately decide to change therapists and not wait for my originally assigned one. the platform does make it very easy. 2 clicks and you have a variety of new options. you can see their profiles and specialties, their upcoming availabilities and reviews. i picked someone whose specialties lined up with what i think i need and had decent availabilities.

i chose to do a chat session, though there are options for video call and phone call. something about chatting just feels a little safer/easier. session started only a few minutes late, and i was informed ahead of time that there would be a slight delay.

the chat session itself had one thing from a technical standpoint that REALLY threw me off. it’s live typing. like you can see what is being typed as it is being typed. as someone who regularly writes something, reads it back, deletes it and writes it again about a million times for each and every thing i write, this was a total mind fuck. i found myself really having to think hard about what i was going to write before just writing it. at first, i really didn’t like it. but then i decided to just go with it and just let things happen as they happened and in the end it was fine. i guess it forced me to be a little more honest and a little less calculating. how fucking demented is that? i would normally delete what i just wrote there, but no. i’m leaving it. fuck it.

so, tech issues aside, this first session is almost word for word, exactly what i expected. which the cynic in me was screaming ‘see?? you knew what was going to happen. you already know what you need to do. stop being a bitch and do it.’. i’m trying to silence that voice and trust the process though. because it’s not that easy and you know what, this person just met me, i am paying them money, of course they will want to build rapport and trust. of course they are going to offer words of encouragement. of course they’re going to make this as pleasant as possible to start. do i really want any different? am i some kind of masochist or something and secretly want someone to tell me i’m a shit? am i? no… i don’t think so. i don’t know. whatever. shut up.

so next appointment is booked. at the end the therapist encouraged me to write about how i am feeling and tried to over explain that and how to do it. i did giggle a little inside and offered a warning ‘be careful what you wish for’. told them i had already been doing that in a blog right now and have a history of writing going back many many years. i don’t think i will share this place though and will instead stick to the journal system inside the platform.

sleep depravation is pretty rough today i have to admit. a couple of nights sleep really resets your tolerance for it. i think i am going to try take the afternoon off work, consume of the devils lettuce and then try to pass the f out.

play it by ear?

really good jam yesterday, despite y not being there. things are slowly coming together, things are getting tighter, less mistakes being made. j and m only took one 420 break and both were motivated to keep going. i played my heart out as well… i guess i have some demons i need to exercise or something (shocker, right?).

i’m starting to believe in j’s plan that by next summer we’ll be able to play a show.

the other day j said something as well which i thought was interesting. both m and i play by ear. we can’t read music. heck, i can barely read tab and i don’t even think there is tab for drums. j on the other hand relies 100% on tab. so every song we learn, he needs to study and m and i just kind of fuck around until we get it. because of this, j claimed we were superior musicians to him. which is kind of funny, because j has always been one of my musical inspirations/mentors/idol. i’ll take it as a compliment.

anyhow, towards the end of the jam, m pulls out a little thing he’s been fucking around with for a while and holy moly, i fucking love it! pardon the potato recording quality.

little rough still, this was the very first time either j or i played along to it, so there is work to be done for sure. but man oh man, this is something. can’t wait until next weekend to flesh it out more.

i guess i still love her

haven’t really spent as much time caring for her this year… i think this will be only the second wash this summer. i desperately need to decontaminate the paint and the whole drivers side needs polish, last time i was in tremblant the parking garage dripped shit all over the side and it kind of stained clearcoat. thankfully it’s only visible in the brightest of sunlight.

foam canon is a must. if you wash your car at home by hand, get a pressure washer, even if it’s a cheap one, and then get a foam canon. makes all the difference.

she cleans up nice i think…

as annoying to clean as they are, BLQs fuck.

no flames today… it is saturday morning after all. pow pow pow