play stupid games, win stupid prizes

there’s this stupid fucking game people play and i hate it. i figured this out when i was 15 and in almost every single relationship since then, it has presented itself in one way or another. the absolute worst part of it, is just because i recognize when it’s happening, doesn’t mean i am immune to it. as soon as someone starts the game, then both people are playing it whether the like it or not.

it’s like a kind of emotional contest where each party has their turn to offer and then counter offer until one person concedes and the game is over until the next round.

oversimplified. imagine it like this:

  • person 1 is sad.
  • person 2, decides that instead of helping person 1, they will make the case that they are indeed the more sad person in need of help.
  • person 1 can then either put their sad aside and help person 2, or double down and make the case they are even sadder than person 2, shifting the focus back to them.
  • lather, rinse, repeat, until someone gives in.

i’ve been forced into and ‘lost’ this game more times than i can count. it’s fucking poison and i hate it. why does it have to be a contest?

—

i see what you’re doing. i don’t know if you’re just picking up on the fact that i am not playing any more or if you saw something not intended for you, but this is not going to work. i know how you think this is going to go down. everything will be rainbows and unicorns and then when you’re feeling secure again, it can all go back to how it was before.

the problem is, you’re not focusing your efforts in the right place. the thing that needs work i don’t think is something you can fix. it’s not you, it’s me. and you can’t fix me, because i am not broken.

i’m done. all i need now is time to process. this is not something i take lightly, and it is not something i want to rush. am i completely certain about anything? of course not. but every day i am more and more sure.

this time, you can’t win the game.

just write

i’ve hit some kind of wall. i have been woefully uninspired to write for a few weeks. i’m not really sure why, it’s as though the previously overflowing feelings and emotions have somewhat subsided, or rather, the source has just become exhausted, or maybe blocked? and now the originally turbulent and rapidly flowing deluge has thinned out to gentle trickle.

i’ve been working on changing my physical appearance to something i like more lately. starting with weight loss, which has been going reasonably well. i still have some work to do in order to reach my goal, but i am confident i can make it by my self imposed deadline. and if i cannot make it in time, i will not give up and consider it a failure, i will just keep trying until i get there. i’ve also been paying a little more attention to my attire. for a long time now it has been zero effort. i just didn’t care. well, screw that. i do care. i purged myself of 2 giant garbage bags worth of old clothing this weekend. and i have purchased for myself a few new items which make me feel good about myself. and i plan on continuing to do so. i am not reinventing myself, just going back to who i used to be a few years back. i’ve also changed my hair cut. not sure on what it will finally end up as, as i still need to grow some out more, but it makes me happy to do so. and then more recently, and most dramatically, i have cut my beard down quite short. shorter than it has been in a decade at least. i like it. reactions from others so far are… interesting. l said he loves it, and gave me a hug. z covered her face and then gave me a reluctant thumbs up. k said she doesn’t like it. c said i look very handsome. a said i look so good. j&k came over last night and they were split on opinions as well. j loves it. he says it took 15 years off me and just looking at me makes HIM feel younger. k thinks it is too short, but said not much else.

all part of some big plan to make lemonade, right?

anyhow… that’s what’s happening right now. i’m sure my creative writing juices will be replenished soon. i the mean time, i will make little updates here and there… and perhaps shitpost a little too.

edit: i almost forgot! last night i cooked a fucking spectacular thanksgiving feast.

unsent letters

i really need to stop visiting that subreddit. it’s sending me into tailspins over and over. it’s filled with the two main themes of my life right now, regret and hope, in a way that is so visceral and so real that my imagination is getting out of control.

is this really the path i am choosing to walk?

i’m not dead

dear blog, i owe you some posts. i’m working on it. i need to finish my munich stuff and then there are a few other things i am working on too. it’s coming.

it’s all in progress, i’m just not feeling the energy. i guess 4 days drinking in prague, 3 days drinking in munich and then getting some kind of cold on the way home will do that.

munich – day 1

oh my…. after a long drive from prague to munich we wasted no time getting our lederhosen on and getting to the theresienwiese. with some truly incredible luck we scored a table at HB. a shit table, but a table none the less.

the consumption which ensued was something else. details are hazy, but I know I was a busy boy drunk texting a (a bit mortified this morning), becoming friends with r and d, getting compliments on my trachten from at least 3 strangers, I also befriended some shady dudes, and helped a very drunk girl back to her hotel.

somewhere along the way we also lost d. A German dude had his phone and brought it to us at the hotel. We assumed he was with d, but no, it was just the phone. D finally showed up at 630 this morning. I guess we’ll find out his story later today.

I need to now find water. Lots of water.

prague – day 3

walking tour of the castle and castle grounds today. although very impressive and interesting, I’ve already done this tour a couple times and the fatigue from the day before is really affecting the other guys.

still did about 15k steps of touring with a guide but just after lunch we called it quits, had a few beers and something to eat and then headed back to the apartment to meet up with a (prague a)

the late afternoon was spent in a lovely beer garden where I got seriously lost in my own head for a bit. there was a couple at the table next to us that captivated me. the way she smiled at him, the way he gently touched her hand, the way they laughed together… argh. i couldn’t help but stare and be envious. thankfully they were so focused on each other that the whole world could be staring and they would never have even noticed.

finally when it was time to leave the beer garden we headed out to dinner at a steak house I had been to before. It was just as good as I remembered. Everyone I think thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

as a nightcap we finally relented and brought j to a gentleman’s club. despite my AMPLE warnings about what they are like and what to expect, he still got upset and angry about it. It’s too expensive, they’re too pushy, it’s all fake…

no shit dude. It’s a tourist trap strip club. I fucking told you exactly what would happen, how much it would cost and what to expect the whole time you’re there, and when EXACTLY that happens you get pissy about it? Hahaha gimme a break.

e also couldn’t handle it and faked a work emergency as soon as we got there.

oh well.

on a more positive note, plans to visit a are coming together. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to say much about it and jinx everything though. I’m excited.

prague – day 2

so much… stick to the highlights, steve.

wonderful tour that a took us on. 20k steps around prague. visited a variety of spots, most notable, at least for me, were the anthropoid church and u fleku.

evening was something. j spilled his guts to us. i’m not going to air his dirty laundry, but suffice it to say, he and i have some things in common. i shared some of my secrets in return. i’m not sure how i feel about that this morning. if nothing else, i know m sees me differently now and j pities me. both not things i want. e, despite clearly having something to say, chose not to. i worry that what was said will find its way back to ears it was never intended for. nothing to be done about it now i suppose.

night time was hilariously frustrating. j would not shut up about bringing us all to a gentleman’s club, which i warned him repeatedly were NOT like those back home. yet he insisted relentlessly. we walked around prague 1 for a few hours, walking past several and j repeatedly got cold feet only to announce he ‘knew of a better place’ and then started following google maps in the most drunkenly way possible once more.

in the end, there was shawarma. which was probably for the best 🙂

prague – day 1

note: currently struggling with internet access so this post may be incomplete or just fucking broken until i get this sorted.

it has begun! getting to the airport was… interesting. taxi driver was one hell of a mad lad. speeding, jumping lanes, weaving in and out of traffic, you name the traffic violation, he did it. the cab was also an olfactory violation. i guess on the plus side, i got there in record time!

passed the time chatting with a (thank you!) and then finally when j and m showed up we sailed through security and then hit up the pub for a pleasant afternoon of food and drink. e showed up fashionably late, as is his nature, and then it was 10 hours of maximum discomfort, crammed into a giant metal tube, screaming through the skies. no sleep for me.

arriving in prague could not have gone any better. private transport from the airport, driver had beers waiting for us in the immaculately clean van which whisked us to the apartment we’ll be calling home for the next few days.

the view from the apartment is great!

beers, beers, plum brandy, beers and then more beers.

seeing a (prague a, not the other a) again is great. even though i see him on video conference every day at work, it’s not the same.

we went out for one of his friend’s birthday celebration, not what i was expecting for sure… it was a bunch of people he knew from a long time ago, many of which were quite elderly actually. but it was good anyways! italian restaurant with ridiculous portion sizes.

after eating waaaay too much and drinking another several beers, it was finally bed after i don’t even know how many consecutive hours of no sleep.