it’s amazing how music can affect your mood in both the most somber and also the most elating ways.
i had forgotten about rubblebucket for so, so long but this video popped up on my youtube feed yesterday morning and has been on repeat ever since.
feels good man.
in 2 days i’m leaving. i’m beyond excited, but trying to contain myself. i can’t even remember the last time i did something like this for just me. i’ve been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit in recent years, but it’s always been for work, or with family. although i am not *alone* on this trip, i am going with a bunch of friends and as such i don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone, or watching what i say or what i do, i can be me. well 99% me. there is always going to be that 1% i have to hold back because reasons. but that’s way better than the 50-100% i have to hold back in other scenarios.
i know j is losing his fucking mind. in a lot of ways, i think we’re going through very similar things right now, but because of the intertwined nature of our lives, we don’t talk about it. which sucks. i wish i could talk to my best friend about everything. anyhow, i know he’s super fucking excited about this trip and he needs it as much as i do.
m is excited, but i think he’s nervous. he has not travelled much at all. in fact, this will be the first time he leaves north america. i am so delighted that he has joined my circle of friends and i am so happy to be the instigator of this experience for him.
e is being his usual self. no excitement, no organization, no nothing. if i didn’t know better, i would assume he doesn’t want to even go. but i do know better, i know him. he doesn’t want to let himself be happy about this until he’s in the moment itself. he’s always been that way. i am really glad he’s joining us.
last night i had a really good talk with a as well. i learned new and important things. things i can’t really do anything about directly, but maybe indirectly i can make some kind of impact on. at least i hope so, because it’s important. also, the plan to achieve a shared goal was started. and i am fucking pumped.
hey there old friend, where ya been? i thought you had finally abandoned me, but i guess you were just taking a break? you know, i didn’t invite you over. there isn’t an open door policy here. you’re not welcome in my life. i was actually starting to enjoy things again, and then tonight you just show up and ruin it? what gives?
it’s late, i have to work tomorrow. what are you still doing here? you’ve overstayed your welcome. go pester someone else.
who am i kidding? you’re never going to leave me, are you? you’ll always come back just when i least expect it, unannounced and for no good reason. what is it you want this time? you want to tell me about how selfish i am? oh, that’s a fun game. or wait, no, you want to seed my head with doubts about every single interpersonal relationship i currently, or have ever had? fuck yeah! good times. or is it something else tonight? maybe you want to tell me stories about how i am just not good enough, not smart enough, not clever or caring enough? you know, that’s a super interesting topic to discuss too. i can’t wait to explore every detail of that with you.
over the last several months i’ve been questioning a lot of things. i’m discovering things i thought i knew with absolute certainty are not what i thought they were at all. i’m realizing i don’t actually know anything…
thinking and talking about this feels weird. i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i think something so strongly and then a short time later think the exact opposite? how can i be sure that my thoughts and feelings are not just betraying me right now and in another 2 months i’ll revert to my previous state, or maybe another state that i am not even aware exists currently? how can i make any kind of decisions based on this sort of flux?
a said something really interesting about this the other day that has given me a lot to think about. in her professional life she needs to make pretty big and important decisions all the time which can be completely life changing for the people involved. that type of decision making can ruin someone pretty quickly if you don’t have a rock solid method of justifying and coping with it. the way she described it was that she tries to make the best decisions possible, with the information that is currently available, not what might be available in the future. as long as the choices are made in good faith with what data is currently presented, then there can be no remorse, regret, etc… even if it turns out to be an unfortunate result, at least there is solace in knowing that at the time of the choice, the best option was selected.
the saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes to mind as well when thinking about this. so much of what was so fucking real not long ago i see differently now. just re-reading some of my posts here, i can see patterns, i can see errors in judgement, i can see the true motivations behind the lies i tell myself. i wish there was some kind of way to filter all the noise and see just the raw data without all of the emotional cloudiness surrounding it. knowing this about myself makes everything that much more difficult. how can i choose something now, knowing that i can’t really trust my own thoughts? not choosing something is also a choice though, isn’t it? how can i live with that knowing that with all currently available data, it’s not what i want either? i am not making the best possible choice in good faith, i am just living with the status quo because i am scared.
the more i think about it, the more twisted and convoluted it gets. the more i second guess everything. the more i question every single detail. and the deeper i go into this conflictual state of limbo. i don’t know what to do.
i’m sorry, i’ve been slacking on the updates… here’s the last week or so of stuff
wipe on poly is weird stuff… but it does work pretty good. i didn’t have too much trouble with it, which is great considering it was the very first time i had ever used this kind of product.
shine is pretty nice actually, without any wet sand or polish. and it self levels too!
black headstock again, i think this is the only way.
pickups installed. p90’s in a humbucker package.
copper tape everywhere, lots of fiddly soldering.
locking tuners once more, this time i went for slightly more expensive amazon specials. turns out, they’re pretty good.
pickguard installed… i went back and for on this too many times. finally decided fuck it and drilled the holes. no going back now!
there she is. setup needed, but gosh is she ever pretty.
i have crippling stage fright, performance anxiety, nervousness, whatever you want to call it. there are too many triggers for me to count, but suffice it to say, public speaking is a big one, but so is talking to anyone where i may perceive myself as being in a vulnerable position.
i hate it so much. i didn’t always have this problem, but i don’t really know when, how or why it started either.
it has manifested itself a few times lately and i feel like such a tool because of it. after the fact, upon reflection, there was never cause for this kind of reaction on my part, but in the moment my mind races, my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest, i turn flush, i get sweaty, i panic and forget everything i wanted to say and everything kind of just shuts down. it’s all completely involuntary.
last night i went to a company event where a handful of employees were tasked with presenting certain things. as i watched, i noticed one guy in particular who clearly suffers the very same affliction. he was visibly uncomfortable, stammering his words, repeating himself, getting lost. i could see the sweat forming on his forehead and his face turn red as he was presenting, or trying his best to. all things considered, i think he did a great job, but his very visible reaction stuck with me. is that how others perceive me too? i don’t like that at all…
in doing some cursory research on the topic, i don’t believe there is any magic bullet here other than exposure, practice, and just pushing your way through it. that sounds terrible… i do need to get over this though, for a lot of reasons.
my writing here has slowed to a snail’s pace. which i think is both good and bad at the same time. i think the main reason is that i have been scratching at a certain itch for so long now that it has become raw and continuing to scratch at it just hurts. i’ve also been very pleasantly distracted as of late which has kind of sucked the need to yell nonsense into the world out of me a bit.
but on the flip side, it’s a little scary to me that so much of my ability to feel ok is dependent on that kind of thing. i mean in some ways it’s amazing and beautiful and all the good things, but in other ways it just highlights that there is something very wrong with me. shouldn’t i just be able to be ok?
are most people just ok on their own? or do most people also need constant attention, affection, interest, companionship, dare i say it, love?
i’m meeting with linda again today. last week when i met with her the fallout was disastrous. i was a god damn mess for days. it didn’t feel good at all. the questions that came up made me feel like the worst person on the face of the planet. i’m worried today will be a repeat. i need to make some progress here. i need to actually figure something out. i need answers so i can come up with solutions.
i really wish i could sing.
it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.
something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?
when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.
around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.
i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.
fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.