hey, why can’t i get you out of my head? this weekend i caught myself daydreaming a few times and it was entirely about you. i thought about little comments you made here and there that likely meant nothing at all to you, but my stupid head has decided to overinflate into some kind of meaningful sign or something. a compliment, a thank you, even just asking me about something that you knew was important to me. all over analyzed and picked apart in an effort to justify something that doesn’t exist.
writing this out, i clearly recognize the mental mountains i am making from molehills, like seriously, polite banter isn’t that deep. despite knowing and recognizing that, my less logical thoughts continue to betray me.
i wish we could have met under different circumstances. circumstances that would have allowed for something a little more normal. could we have actually been friends? do we have enough in common? do we have anything in common?
i want to believe so, but my judgement is clearly not to be trusted, so maybe i am just fooling myself again.
edit: i am so mad at myself right now. i did the thing i told myself i wouldn’t. it was only for a literal second and i feel like my chest is about to explode.
slightly different format today. instead of individual songs, today is about a band in general because i simply cannot pick one song. these guys are in the apartment next door to dashboard confessional in my heart.
i guess to make it a little more digestible, perhaps i can narrow things down to one album in particular, Talon of the Hawk.
something about the simplicity of their music, brian’s limited yet effective vocal capacity, and the subject matter of their lyrics just gets me every time. like seriously, sometimes i listen to this album and the only thoughts going through my head circle around to various permutations of “are you me?”
i wrote a little blurb for each one, but after re-reading it, i’ve decided to instead just post the songs and let you experience it all for yourself without any color commentary.
oh, and yes, their band name is a deliciously self deprecating reference to vaginas.
in this house there is a long standing affinity for couch sleeping that i do not understand.
without fail, there will be someone on the couch every night of the week. i’m the only one who does not partake in this bizarre ritual. to be fair, z doesn’t do it that often any more either. but the other 2… every night.
i kind of understand why the boy does it. when he was younger, it was a fear thing. scared of the dark. the living room is right next to mom and dad’s room, unlike his bedroom which is all the way up the stairs. now, it’s a little different. we don’t live close enough to his friends that he can ride his bike or walk there, and the public transit system here is not exactly convenient either, not that that option is even on the table at this age, so his lifeline to his friends is largely through videogames. the xbox is in the living room and to ensure exclusive access to it as soon as day breaks, what better option is there than to be in the living room, monopolizing the couch before anyone else wakes up? as the one who is always up first, it is quite frustrating to not be able to enjoy my morning coffee in the living room, but i can respect the hustle.
k on the other hand… i don’t get it. why? it’s not comfortable, not by a longshot. it’s not dark, it’s not quiet, you end up being awake as soon as anyone else gets up. then you end up being miserable all day because of miscellaneous aches and pains and lack of sleep. so what is the appeal? i struggle to not take it personally sometimes.
when i was younger, my dad used to sleep on the couch a lot too. my parents never really talked about that, but it was around the time he left and went to Florida for a few months, leaving the rest of us behind. the story, or at least as much as i can remember, is that he went to look for a job and a house, and the plan was to relocate us all once he found everything.
that never ended up happening of course, and he eventually came back. as a kid, i never questioned any of it. why would my parents lie to me, right? but now, being much older and wiser (lol) i really wonder how much truth there was to that story, if any at all?
i’ve been posting lists of songs with no context. maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s the 2 rebulls and 2 coffees i’ve had, but right now i am motivated to write, and i’m thinking maybe i should explain why i have posted each and every one of these songs. because each one has a story and/or deeper meaning. at least for me.
i really want to stay at your house is from the original soundtrack of Cyberpunk 2077 released in december 2020, written and performed by let’s eat grandma, but credited to rosa walton and hallie coggins. it’s song from a video game i have been following since its very first teaser was released over a decade ago. it’s set in night city a fictional near future dystopian metropolis, and based on the original ttrpg by mike pondsmith from the late 80’s early 90’s.
as a teenager, cyberpunk and shadowrun were my obsession. mostly cyberpunk. i still have the original rulebooks somewhere here as well as a folder filled with character sheets and campaign settings. something about the whole near future distopia with corporate greed and cybernetic body modifications mixed with ultra violence just set my mind on fire. to be honest, it still does. i love movies, tv shows, videogames, anything set in a similar type of scenario. it’s so hopeless, depressing and unfair and yet so ridiculously lucrative to those who figure out how to play the game. imbalance is everywhere and if you’re on the wrong end of the seesaw, it’s game over choom.
but this isn’t a review of Cyberpunk the ttrpg, nor is it an analysis of Cyberpunk 2077 the game, instead, this is about my connection to this song, and although it was definitely a jam in the game driving through the streets of night city, it really cemented itself in my soul when i watched Edgerunners on netflix.
if you haven’t seen it yet, then stop here, go watch it.
no for real. stop reading this and go watch it.
i don’t care if you don’t like anime. i don’t care if you don’t like the premise. none of that matters, because what Edgerunners does is tell an amazing and ultimately crushing story that will absolutely make you feel something. if it doesn’t leave you struck with intense feelings of despair, emptiness, unfairness, sadness, depression even, then you just might not be a human.
and this song is the god damn crescendo of it all. it’s the ptsd trigger that gives you flashbacks. it fucking kills you all over again every. god. damn. time.
david, lucy, rebecca, maine, dorio, pilar, kiwi, hell even faraday are all so relatable it’s scary. the studio that did it, trigger, are masters at making you feel a connection to the characters (watch delicious in dungeon). at least for me, the relationship between lucy and david in particular broke me. like grown ass man sitting on the couch crying watching a cartoon broken.
this scene in particular affected me in ways i cannot even put into words. i don’t know if it was just being so immersed that i felt what david must have been feeling, if it was something i wanted to experience for myself again, if it was just remembering past loves, or maybe something else entirely, regardless, all the feels. you hear me? all of them!
and then when the song plays again at the end of the series… i’m dead. fucking dead.
so, i’m telling you. watch it. you won’t regret it. or actually, you probably will, but you’ll thank me for it anyways.
edit: i forgot to mention, lucy > rebecca. fight me.
i slept again last night. like the whole night. my alarm woke me up and i even snoozed it. i am so confused.
i’m incredibly thankful to have the relief that sleep brings, but i am worried about why after like a month of insomnia this has suddenly changed.
talking to you, is obviously the first thing that comes to mind. i’m really trying not to fuck that up because talking to you does make me happy and i don’t want it to stop, i also actually do care about your feelings as well and don’t want to hurt them. but i can barely trust my judgement and thoughts lately.
am i actually doing something helpful and healthy right now, or am i just digging a bigger hole and convincing myself otherwise?
jesus christ. what a mess. it’s amazing what a single night of sleep can accomplish. i feel like i’ve been having a manic episode or something. looking back at the last couple weeks i barely recognize myself. what am i doing? what have i done? bruh… get it together.
today was actually good. i woke up pretty upset, but threw myself into work and the distraction was something i think i really needed. escapism much? sure. but is that really so bad if it gives you a much needed break allowing you to then return to the problem with fresh eyes?
‘the problem’… lol fuck me… bwahahahahaha! ok that was not intentional, it just came out.
seriously though. what the heck am i supposed to do now?
when i removed a bunch of posts a few days ago, one of them included this song. i didn’t want to take it down, but i wrote some stuff that really i should have kept to myself and didn’t feel good about leaving it out there. but this song is still important to me.
so… take two.
for me, this song really embodies the feeling of limerence, obsession, infatuation, love addiction. feeling something so strongly for someone who, realistically, doesn’t even know you exist. so much so that you’re willing to humiliate yourself, subject yourself to any amount of suffering, debasement and degradation, just to get that hit of dopamine from the slightest bit of attention.
it’s a delusion, and it’s harmful. it hurts. and yet you can’t help it, and you do it willingly.
you replied. i can barely believe it. i hope so so much that there will be some kind of rekindling of friendship. i seriously can’t think of anyone else in the entire world who i would want this from more. wait… that’s not fair. i can’t put this on you. this is not your problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. i still hope though. i hope so much. too much.
i told you i started blogging again knowing that might trigger some kind of nostalgic response in you. fuck… i’m an asshole. why did i do that? arg…
i know you’re going to ask, and i want to tell you so fucking badly. i don’t know if i can. i don’t know if i should. if i don’t then why did i even mention it in the first place?
i signed up for online therapy today. i don’t know if i really believe in it or not, but i figured it couldn’t hurt. seeing as i have literally no one else to talk to at this point, i guess it’s something.
i also messaged k8 last night and wrote a comment to her blog post from 2005. she’s probably the only one who i might even feel a little bit comfortable talking to about things. that might have been a mistake. it’s probably been too long since we last talked. i hope my message doesn’t upset her. that’s the last thing i want. although it’s completely unfair for me to expect a response, i really hope i get one anyways. not that i would even deserve it.
it’s m’s birthday today, and as much as i really really really want to send a message, i won’t. i can’t go back there. that’s done. i fucked that up beyond imagination.
it’s always been so easy. maybe too easy. right from day one. there was never a chase, there was never a challenge, there was never any drama. maybe that was a red flag that i missed? no, i don’t think so. easy doesn’t automatically mean bad. does it?
you always knew exactly what you wanted and how to get it. that’s still one of the things i admire about you, even if i do resent you for it sometimes. your laser focus disregards collateral damage.
mistakes and errors happen. it’s normal and it’s ok. doubling down on something that is wrong doesn’t fix anything. repeating your point again, but louder, doesn’t fix anything either.
to be fair, just agreeing to end the conflict doesn’t fix anything either. i’m worried if i change that though it will not end well for either of us. i don’t want to have arguments with you about things you know are wrong.
sometimes you can allow yourself to be happy as well. not everything is a crisis. you don’t have to try fix everything. sometimes it’s ok to just sit in the middle of the chaos and laugh. it’s fine. really!
i know you think the answer is some magic pill. i disagree, but you do you. the only thing i ask is to fucking do it, or stop talking about it. it’s been years now.
i’m saying all of this to get it off of my chest, but i think i stopped caring long ago. you’re not going to change, and neither am i. maybe that’s fine. maybe that’s ok. we each have jobs to do, and honestly, i think we do them better than most. look at the results or our labor, they truly are exceptional.
we’re like an arithmetic problem in which you do all the steps wrong, but still end up with the right answer.
