Category: :(

last day of the year, lets review…

lots of changes this year…

  • i set a goal to lose some weight. at the time, i weight 267 lbs. my goal was 225 by end of year. last week i got to 227, but with christmas feasts, apple pies and other sweets, as of this morning i am 232. if i am grading with a pass/fail scheme, then this is unfortunately a FAIL.
  • i resolved myself to kick nicotine entirely. i had been waning myself for years, cigs have been gone for a long time, but things like vapes were still around. i wanted that shit gone. this is serious. and i am happy to say, i have been completely nicotine free for several months. no turning back! this is way more difficult than i had anticipated… in the process i learned a lot about myself actually, and i learned to trust myself a lot less than one might expect, more on that some other time. PASS
  • i decided to be more active. i started walking every single day, and when it got too cold for that, i bought a rowing machine and have been doing that every single day. it’s hard work and sometimes i am REALLY not motivated, but i do it anyways and will continue to do so because it is important and makes me feel better. PASS
  • i needed to talk to someone, therapy seems to be popular answer to this. so i tried it, despite my skepticism. to be honest, i am still not convinced. but i have stuck with it for several months now and i am not going to give up on it just yet. i guess it can be helpful in some ways…. anyhow, PASS.
  • i wanted new friends. friends which were not connected to my current circle. i re-established a connection with k8, which at first felt very successful, though recently has felt a little less so. i hope it is just a temporary lull. i also sought out and made 3 new friends through reddit. c, you called me your bestie yesterday. i liked that and i think we could really become that. j, you were unexpected, we were on parallel tracks until your train fell completely off the rails. i wasn’t sure how that was going to work, but so far so good. i am happy we met! and then last but not least, a. holy shit, a, you have really captured my heart and my mind. i don’t remember the last time i felt a connection with someone like i have with you. you have become so special and so important to me, no matter what the future holds, i want you to be part of it. PASS
  • i recognized earlier this year that i was miserable, and had been for a long while. there were several contributing factors to that (see above points) but there was one in particular which overshadowed everything. when it comes to love, as in romantic, passionate love, i have a giant, gaping hole in my chest. k and i simply were not good for each other like that. we’re good together in many other ways, but being roommates just isn’t enough. the built up resentment and frustration that has accumulated over the years has simply become insurmountable at this point and before things completely overflowed and go ugly, i made the decision that i would rather end things now and try to remain on good, amicable terms. this is still in progress, but it seems to be progressing well enough. i think it merits a passing grade for this year, but the real test will be next year. so for now, PASS.

get a grip

why is it i have so much difficulty just being happy with myself? i feel like i constantly need someone, anyone, to validate me. and then then i don’t have that, i feel sad, i feel worried, i feel panic even. argh!

it goes beyond that too, it’s not just validation. i need to feel like someone else wants me around, that they need me around. like my worth and my value is only quantified by someone else. i should be able to self sustain some feeling of personal worth and value, no? this can’t be how everyone else lives?

i need to figure this out.

patience.

continuing to be under the same roof, to live in the same space, to see each other and interact with each other every day, pretending this is normal is becoming more and more challenging.

it’s not normal, we’re not roommates, and we’re not lovers. we’re not friends, but we’re not enemies. we’re in this limbo state, this transitional phase, and we have to figure out where the lines are drawn. it is not quite so obvious.

for the sake of peace, i am still biting my tongue every single day. there are a few things in particular which are slowly eroding my good will and hopefully will not foster so much resentment that i end up lashing out and saying something i regret.

the first thing… you have been horrible person every single morning without fail for the last 18 years using the excuse that you are not a morning person, like somehow this excuses you from being even semi-decent to loved ones after you wake up. you have even enabled our daughter to do the same thing and given me grief for calling her out on that behavior as being unacceptable. yet now, in the last month, you have changed your tune. you smile, you say good morning, and you are acting like a regular human being. don’t get me wrong, this is definitely better… but holy shit, what happened to the nearly 2 decades of “not being a morning person”? this has been a pain point for me for so fucking long, bullshit i just had to live with, and now that i have called it quits, you change? is this genuine? is this change because you are happier now and i was causing this misery for you all along? or perhaps this change is because you realized it is not acceptable behavior? maybe something else?

next, stop following me around. if i am putting away the dishes, it is not the time to come and do something else in the kitchen. if i am enjoying my personal time watching a movie, there is not an open invitation to join me and start asking questions about what is going on. if i am relaxing, playing on my phone lying in bed, you don’t need to find some busy work to do in the same room all of a sudden. just stop. it isn’t cute, it isn’t wanted, you’re just making things awkward.

last, i can’t listen to you belly ache and stress over money any more. i don’t want to hear it. i have accepted to take on DRAMATICALLY more financial debt than you in order to facilitate things. i have paid you a significant mount of no strings attached money to clear out your debt. i have offered to let you have whatever you want from the house, in fact i have insisted that you take more than your fair share. i have paid for your first month of entertainment and groceries. i have taken over the mortgage and all of the bills on this house we both live in myself leaving you with no expenses right now at all! i have done all of this without complaining a single word. yet you are still siting there, making spreadsheets listing pages of things you “need” but rather, actually just want, along with their retail cost and then staring at the total dollar amount at the end in despair and loudly complaining about it to whoever will listen. you’re calculating unnecessary renovation costs for your new home and then questioning how you will ever be able to afford any of it. you’re even complaining to the KIDS that “mommy is broke and will not be able to afford anything, so forget about getting the things you get now.”… wtf… shut up. seriously.

this wall hurts me.

so cleverly crafted, made to be ultimately defensible in so many ways. it’s pretty, it’s logical, its manufacture was clearly communicated, the specifications were submitted and not contested. yet… it bothers me, but the time for protest, i fear, has passed.

you retreat behind it more regularly now. i have no knowledge of what occurs beyond that delimiter. it is impenetrable to all senses. i only have knowledge of what you explicitly tell me, which is not very much. and even the bits you do tell me are vague and intentionally nondescript.

i have no such defenses. nor do i want to build any. it’s fundamentally incompatible with who i am and what i want. in the past, every time i have tried to do so, it resulted either in an arms race, or complete isolation despite having intimate proximity. any permutation of those outcomes are not anything i want to have anything to do with. however the outcome which leaves you behind an impenetrable fortress and me out in the open, is also undesirable.

can you let me in? can you build a doorway just for me? you can guard it, you can leave it locked when not in use, you can hide it and keep it a secret that only i know. but can you make that happen? i can’t bear being like this for much longer.

you’ve said this on more than one occasion, you + me vs the problem is non-negotiable. does this only apply in one direction? or perhaps you + me is not a valid equation any more? i don’t really know where i stand. i can only guess.

the thought crosses my mind regularly, should i just stop trying? you’ve explicitly asked me not to do that, but what am i supposed to do when i am given so little information to work with. talking to myself is what i do here, it’s not what i want to do with you. i want to talk to you and i want you to talk to me. i want you to want to talk to me, actually.

this wall hurts me.

dear j

i figured something was up yesterday when you never sent me pictures of the cookies you were baking once they were done. you were so excited about them when you sent me that first picture. i resisted the urge to poke fun, those candy cane shaped ones looked especially… suspect. in any case, when all i got was radio silence after asking you for pictures of the finished product and sharing in the christmas cheer, i just assumed you had gotten into a fight with him. or maybe a kid got sick or something like that. something frustrating, or annoying. something mundane.

never in a million years would i have been able to foresee receiving that message from you at 4am this morning.

how monumentally unfair. holy fucking shit. my heart literally stopped beating for a moment as i read your words – “My husband passed away.”

we barely knew each other, i mean, we only actually met a month ago, but you were going through almost the same things as i was, and still am, and we shared so many parallel feelings. it was so comforting, so helpful, so cathartic to be able to talk to someone else about all of this who was feeling the same things and going through the same experiences. it was so relieving hearing about someone else’s struggles which so closely mirrored my own, making my own personal brand of fucked up seem just a little more ‘normal’. that’s the fucked up thing about separating from someone you’ve been with for so long and have so much history with, especially when there are kids involved… unless they’ve been through it, no one really understands. friends get real tired of hearing about it, real fast. it’s even worse when the reasons for your separation are related to your own unhappiness and your own struggles with limerent feelings. that on it’s own is met with so much judgment that it’s pretty much guaranteed to be something you have to work out on your own and never talk to anyone about.

despite the fact that we only just met, we certainly had a connection, that commonality, that separate yet still shared experience. i appreciated talking to you so much, and i know you felt the same way. but i fear our paths have now very much diverged.

i will try my best, but i really don’t know how to help you here. i don’t know what to say to offer you any kind of comfort. i don’t know how to react when you tell me what you are feeling now. what has happened to you is my worst nightmare. i am still completely shaken by this, and i can’t even begin to imagine how you actually feel. when you told me his last words to you, when you told me what he told to your daughters… i don’t even know what to say. that is beyond brutal. that is beyond what anyone should ever have to bear.

i can tell you over and over it was not your fault. all of your friends and family can tell you it was not your fault. but i know that you will always believe it was your fault and that there is nothing in this world that can change your mind. i know what you are thinking. i know how you think. we’re too similar like that and i know how i would feel.

i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve this. your two little ones didn’t deserve this. what a fucking tragedy in its purest form.

try to hold on, ok? i know your journey will likely never get the happy ending you were so desperately hoping for, and that breaks my heart so fucking much. but your girls need you more than ever now, they are still young, they still have a chance. help them see that, ok?

please take care of yourself as best as you can. remember to eat. remember to sleep. be kind to yourself.

gentle reminders

it’s funny how earlier this morning i thought about how k’s behavior lately was only temporary… and then this afternoon the hidden truth peeked through once more.

comments were made to the kids about things they have zero control or influence over, things they have no business caring or even knowing about, things which don’t really even concern them, at a volume explicitly sufficient to reach the ears of a certain someone in the other room, who is clearly the one who she wanted to make those passive aggressive comments to. thanks, message received loud and clear.

to her credit, she did somewhat apologize several hours later, but the emotional damage was already done. there is no undoing it now, especially not with a sorry. and double that when it is an “i’m sorry, but…”

i’m thankful for not having taken the bait.

i’m sorry z and l you have to be subjected to that. that is not fair. you won’t get that from me, i promise.

trouble sleeping

the past few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. lots of heavy thoughts and feelings. lots of self reflection and analysis. lots of coping and reasoning. lots of self loathing and hatred. lots of hope and excitement. lots of guilt and fear. lots of relief and release. suffice it to say, my head has been all over the place and back again.

i think the things which are affecting me most right now though are more centered around fear and uncertainty and i think that might be what is affecting my sleep. i find myself going down some deep rabbit holes questioning whether this is all a mistake and that there actually are no greener pastures to explore. k is not helping things at all. ever since this started she has changed her tune and has been on her best behavior. i know it will not last and it is just a reaction to the hurt i inflicted on her with this, but it does fog everything slightly. it makes me think that perhaps things can change, perhaps this is redeemable, perhaps all the unhappiness previously experienced was just a precursor to a happier time… this is delusion though. this is what i have been telling myself for years. this is how i got stuck so deep in the rut to begin with.

i have been making lists. lists of things which broke my heart. lists of things which i will not miss. lists of things which undermine or belittle me. lists of things which i do not like or actively hate. i have to keep reviewing and reaffirming those lists to keep myself on track. is that crazy person behavior? it that awful of me?

i guess on the flip side i also keep repeating over and over my number one priority. this needs to end amicably for the kids and for her. i can keep eating some shit for a while to make sure that happens. she is no longer my life partner, i do not owe her an explanation, nor can i expect or even ask for her to carry some of this burden. this is what i want, and the only person i can trust to make sure that it happens is myself. so i must do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

i’ve been reading a lot on reddit about divorce, different people’s stories and the outcomes of each. there seems to be a lot of common themes and roles, and also a lot of common lies people tell to themselves and to those around them. there is always the victim and the perpetrator and when someone falls deep enough into one of these roles, they seem to lose sight of everything else.

some of those stories are scary, i see myself in their shoes and then i see some of the reactions from other people and it makes me sick to my stomach. people can be so kind and supportive, but they can also be so fucking ruthless it’s doubtful they are even human. so many people speak from their own experience stating things which ultimately are just beliefs they formed to help them cope as fact and it is upsetting to me, because i fall for it. but i need to remember, no one knows my story except for me. so despite similarities, these are not my stories.

living lies

the more people i talk to about the impending dissolution of my marriage, the more i find that i really am not alone in this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. the more i find there are other guys in the same, or at least very similar situations. married, but to a roommate, to a business partner, to a colleague… not married to a lover, to a best friend, to a confidante or to an actual life partner.

is this just the inevitable place people end up in, or is it the product of poor communication over years? is it blindness to problems in the early days, or is it just normal personal growth and change? how do successful long term relationships work? is it just luck? is it hard work? is it fundamental compatibility at a deeper level?

i told my brother about what’s going on last night. i think it shook him. and then in an attempt to make me feel better he told me about his current situation… which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, because i don’t want that for him. he seems to be feeling just as alone, and has been leaning on alcohol to get him through most nights. i want to help him, but i don’t know that i can right now.

i also told 2 of the guys who work directly for me, mostly because i had to explain my absence to them. one of the guys already saw it coming, we talked a bit about it in september, but before there was this finality present. the other one though… fuck. he already has a very real social behavior issue of not being able to shut the fuck up, and now that he knows this about me, he has not been able to shut up. he is trying to offer sympathy, offer advice, offer friendship, offer distraction… don’t get me wrong, his intentions are appreciated, but it is way too fucking much and is only raising my stress level. he came with me in the car on the ride to the restaurant last night and i swear to god, that was the most infuriating 45 minutes i have spent in a long time. i bit my tongue so damn hard the whole time, just trying to remind myself his intentions are good.

it’s just a matter of time now before the rumor mill starts at work. several people asked me if i was ok last night because of my recent weight loss. certain people made a really big deal about it, which honestly, i didn’t really want, but what am i going to do, give someone shit for trying to compliment me? anyhow, i expect next week will have a few new people reaching out to me asking if i’m ok and making puppy dog eyes.

i may not always be right, but i am never wrong.

thing 1

every year on christmas eve, we all gather at my parents house to celebrate. it has been this way for decades. it is the tradition.

my sister lives about 7-8 hours away and has come down with her kids and boyfriend in tow every single year without fail. we only really get to see each other about twice per year, so this is always a very special and welcome visit.

unfortunately, this year in particular, my sister’s boyfriend has decided that christmas eve will be spent with HIS family instead and that they will not be coming to see the rest of us like usual. apparently he is being completely adamant, and allegedly unpleasant about it. this has sent my sister into near hysteria.

so, yesterday morning my brother and i got a text from mom saying that christmas eve will need to be postponed a week until new years day in order to accommodate my sister. my brother replied immediately saying that was fine with him, but i chose not to reply just then, because for me, this really is not ok and i wanted to think on it a bit first.

lets do some math. if we go through with this, then my sister will be upset anyways because she is not spending christmas eve with her family, and everyone here will be upset as well as we will all be effectively forbidden from seeing each other on christmas. disaster all around. alternately, if we decide to have christmas without her, then my sister will be upset, and the rest of us will of course miss her, but we’ll still have our christmas and the kids will all be happy. which is worse? it seems pretty obvious.

after calling my mom last night and explaining this to her, she agreed. my dad, of course, in the background commented angrily that this is the same thing he was trying to explain to her as well. so after we got off the phone, she called my sister to sort things out. i’m not sure how that went, but in the end my mom sent another text saying christmas would be on the 24th like usual.

thing 2

k has been very stubborn about her budget. she is doing some unrealistic calculations and estimates and the end result is she doesn’t believe she can afford anything other than a literal hovel. i have tried to show her more realistic numbers. two banks have given her numbers on what kind of mortgage she could afford, and yet she has remained solidly fixed on her estimates.

she’s gone to see several houses now which fit in this price bracket and they are all… less than pleasant? like they need work, they need renovations. and then they could be very nice, but they are not move in ready.

i have tried a few times now to show her listings that are a little more expensive, but still VERY affordable, that have already been renovated. homes which are move in ready. and she has snubbed her nose up at each and every one of them saying “too expensive, i’m not even going to look”.

well, last night after visiting 2 houses in her price bracket, and calculating some of the time and money needed to renovate them… she can back and admitted that i was probably right and that she was being unrealistic about her budget.

yet another reason why things are broken between us. how many times have i tried to tell her something only to be completely dismissed so she can go and figure it out on her own and ultimately realize i was right all along. how the heck is that a partnership? where is the trust? anyways… i’m happy that she has started to reconsider her budget considerations, this will open up several much better, less stressful opportunities for her.