Category: :(

you just couldn’t fucking leave it, could you? push push push. do you feel better now? i told you i didn’t want to talk about it, i told you to leave it alone, but no, that wasn’t going to fly, was it? you needed to keep bending the stick until it snapped.

so now you know. feel better?

you were so worried i was feeling resentful, do you not see how what you did just now only makes me MORE resentful?

and you know what, this is EXACTLY one of the reasons i didn’t want to talk about it, now you’re hyper focused on trying to solve my problem for me. you’re obsessed with being the one who has the solution. you’re questioning and doubting everything i have done like it is not fucking good enough and isn’t what you would do. you’re trying to impose your (failed) solutions on me like they are some kind of magic god damn miracle cure all. this is not YOUR problem. i don’t want YOUR solutions. i’m not stupid, i know of course this affects you greatly, i am not blind to that, but it’s not something YOU can fix. hell, at this point i don’t even know if it is fixable at all, at least in the way you are expecting anyhow.

argh! i can’t wait for the next few days and weeks where you are walking on eggshells around me for no good reason and then ultimately demand some kind of progress report. fuck off. stop trying to parent me. i’m trying. i am putting in more effort than you know.

i don’t know why it’s always like this. sometimes, just sometimes, i want to be the one who gets to be mad. i want to be the one who gets to throw my hands up, say “are you fucking kidding me?”, or even just… vent. instead, she gets upset first, and then all of my frustration just gets swallowed up. gone. poof. because when she’s upset, i have to be the calm one. the “supportive” one. and if not, i am the enemy, the bad guy, the unreasonable one.

like yesterday. she borrowed my car to run errands because hers was in the shop after she once again kind of ignored necessary maintenance…. issues i busted my ass trying to fix the night before and ended up breaking some of my own tools trying to fix, then moving heaven and earth the next morning and twisting my mechanic’s arm to fit me in for an emergency appointment the same day to help make the car safe again. anyhow, while she’s out, i get a phone call, she’s hysterical because she wasn’t paying attention and smashed the front of my car into a curb and broke part of the bumper.

“i didn’t see the curb. your car is too low. it wasn’t my fault.” and then, before i can even say anything, she’s crying her eyes out. and i say phone call, but it wasn’t a phone call, it was a video face time… what the fuck. her upset face is already in full effect, and now i’m stuck. i can’t even be angry, because if i show even a flicker of frustration, i am the bad guy. so what do i do? i say, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it. it’s just a car.” but inside? inside, i’m boiling. why am i now comforting her for breaking my car?

i wanted to be the one to be mad. i wanted to be able to say, “are you serious?” but no. now, it’s all about her feelings. i have to reassure her that i’m not upset, even though i am, because she’s already cornered the market on emotional real estate. the minute she got upset, my frustration didn’t matter anymore.

and this isn’t just about the car. it’s about every time something like this happens. it’s like i’m not allowed to have my own reaction. the second she’s upset, my feelings have to be put on hold so i can take care of hers. i have to be the steady one, the calm one, even though i’m the one standing there with a busted bumper. and when i do try to express that i’m frustrated? she gets even more upset, more defensive, more adversarial, and then it spirals into this whole thing where ultimately i end up comforting her for making me mad.

it’s exhausting. it’s like i’m constantly stuck in this role where i’m supposed to keep the peace, even when i have every right to be pissed off. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not trying to be a jerk about it. i’m not out here looking to start a fight. but would it kill her to just let me be mad for once? to let me ‘win’ this stupid emotional game? to acknowledge, “yeah, i messed up, and it’s okay if you’re angry about it”? instead, i feel like i’m choking down my own feelings just to avoid making hers worse every. single. time.

marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, right? but who’s supporting me when i’m the one frustrated? why do i always have to be the one who swallows my feelings so hers can take center stage?

it’s so frustrating to always feel like i’m on the back burner, emotionally speaking. i don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between being a good partner and being an actual person with actual feelings. i just want to be allowed to be upset when something like this happens, without it turning into me managing her reaction or having to walk on eggshells.

hey there old friend, where ya been? i thought you had finally abandoned me, but i guess you were just taking a break? you know, i didn’t invite you over. there isn’t an open door policy here. you’re not welcome in my life. i was actually starting to enjoy things again, and then tonight you just show up and ruin it? what gives?

it’s late, i have to work tomorrow. what are you still doing here? you’ve overstayed your welcome. go pester someone else.

who am i kidding? you’re never going to leave me, are you? you’ll always come back just when i least expect it, unannounced and for no good reason. what is it you want this time? you want to tell me about how selfish i am? oh, that’s a fun game. or wait, no, you want to seed my head with doubts about every single interpersonal relationship i currently, or have ever had? fuck yeah! good times. or is it something else tonight? maybe you want to tell me stories about how i am just not good enough, not smart enough, not clever or caring enough? you know, that’s a super interesting topic to discuss too. i can’t wait to explore every detail of that with you.

i have crippling stage fright, performance anxiety, nervousness, whatever you want to call it. there are too many triggers for me to count, but suffice it to say, public speaking is a big one, but so is talking to anyone where i may perceive myself as being in a vulnerable position.

i hate it so much. i didn’t always have this problem, but i don’t really know when, how or why it started either.

it has manifested itself a few times lately and i feel like such a tool because of it. after the fact, upon reflection, there was never cause for this kind of reaction on my part, but in the moment my mind races, my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest, i turn flush, i get sweaty, i panic and forget everything i wanted to say and everything kind of just shuts down. it’s all completely involuntary.

last night i went to a company event where a handful of employees were tasked with presenting certain things. as i watched, i noticed one guy in particular who clearly suffers the very same affliction. he was visibly uncomfortable, stammering his words, repeating himself, getting lost. i could see the sweat forming on his forehead and his face turn red as he was presenting, or trying his best to. all things considered, i think he did a great job, but his very visible reaction stuck with me. is that how others perceive me too? i don’t like that at all…

in doing some cursory research on the topic, i don’t believe there is any magic bullet here other than exposure, practice, and just pushing your way through it. that sounds terrible… i do need to get over this though, for a lot of reasons.

it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.

something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?

when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.

around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.

i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.

fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.