self censoring?

sometimes the biggest difficulty i have when writing here is deciding on what i want to write about. at any given time i have like a thousand different competing ideas in my head and even though you might think that makes it easy to just write about anything, it actually makes it nearly impossible because as soon as i start writing about any one specific thing, there are 999 other ideas which are telling me “no… that’s not what you should be writing about, is it?”

and so i have about a million drafts here in wordpress, some of which are pages long, and others are just a word… and none of them will ever see the light of day because they’ve been internally veto’ed. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

even now, writing about this, this stupid thought about having stupid competing thoughts which stupidly prevent me from writing… how is this the winner? is this really what’s most important? i guess if i think about it, the reason why this is going to be written out and published is because it’s easy. it’s the writing equivalent of phoning it in. there’s no deep thought, there’s no vulnerable admission, there’s no controversial opinion or great revelation… it’s just fluff.

except admitting that i know this is bullshit, and still publishing it kind of makes it transcend from being pointless drivel to actually admitting something about myself in a way, doesn’t it?

dad

i know you mean well, but you have to understand that this is not an easy thing to talk about. it’s not an easy thing to relive over and over and over. we don’t have that type of relationship where i fully trust you with my most intimate thoughts and feelings. not because i don’t love you, but because that’s just not who we have ever been to each other.

i am already trying my hardest not to cause unnecessary pain to her and the kids. i need to censor myself, i need to stuff away certain thoughts and feelings. i need to be careful and considerate for their sake. it is taking most of my emotional energy to do that. so when you try to insert yourself into a position you have never occupied before, it doesn’t quite work. and honestly, it’s not really welcomed either.

i told you that i am ok, and that i can manage, and that i don’t need anything right now. can you accept that? do i need to make up a false need that you can satisfy in order for you to feel ok about this? or can you just take my word for it that i am ok?

may i am not that much of a disappointment after all?

i told my parents last night. i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was dreading this conversation so much. i was afraid of how they would react. i was afraid they would be disappointed in me specifically. i was afraid they would want to get involved and try to “fix” things.

my parents’ desire to help, to get involved and insert themselves into situations is well known and well observed, but it’s always done from a place of caring, from a place of genuinely wanting to help. though sometimes, for some people, it is not seen that way and is instead seen as meddling.

anyhow, the conversation went very differently than i was expecting. they were sad of course, but i explained what was going on, and the basic logistical facts. and then i told them that this is was ok, that i go this. i told them i was not a “victim” here and i want this. that seemed to satisfy any questions they may have had.

the visit was ended with them simply offering whatever help i needed, i just need to ask.

exhausting

today was spent visiting potential houses that k could purchase. she asked me to go with her as support and another set of eyes. i agreed, but didn’t really think it would be this taxing to be honest. i am burnt out, worn down, exhausted in just about every way.

this morning k was following me from room to room, just making excuses to be there. i go to the living room, she follows and sits on the couch to read. i go to the kitchen to make myself food, she follows and start putting away dishes. i go to the bed room, she follows and starts puttering around with some laundry. i didn’t want to snap at her, so i said nothing, but it was already getting me a little frustrated.

around noon it was time to go visit houses. so now we were together in the same car, and then together going through houses, and then together talking about what was good, what was bad, etc.

all of this proximity has caused certain annoyances that i previously ignored or disregarded to bubble to the surface of my consciousness once more. whether it be how she drives inattentively with atrocious throttle control, the music she listens to which is simultaneously generic and depressing, the expressions she uses which are either cringe or just nonsense, or any number of otherwise insignificant details all now feel like insurmountable and unignorable irritants.

after all of the house visits were done, k then wanted to go visit j&k and tell them what was going on. i really was not up to it but just went along with it anyways. it was awkward. whatever. it’s done now.

i must remain strong. this is a temporary discomfort which will lead to a greater happiness in the future. picking a fight over this won’t help anything. it will just make things worse. so bite your tongue, smile and nod, choose your words wisely.

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

agony

last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.

sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.

never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.

i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.

i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.

once again i am not permitted to react or have feelings of my own because you consume all the air in the room.

i suppose it was to be expected. there’s a reason why this all happened and that wasn’t going to change. i’m not sure what i had expected.

still, i hope, i wish for, i pray that we can at least find some kind of middle ground to make it through this to the other side without completely hating each other.

i am trying to help you, i know you don’t see it, because all you see right now is how i am hurting you, but if you take a moment and look at what i am doing, what i am saying, you’ll see that i have very much put aside any feelings or emotions or needs or wants that i have right now and i am working only on what you want, save one major exception.

how upside down is that?

and then when you actually use that against me and say things like you did last night before we both went to bed, how am i supposed to react?

it feels like you would actually rather that i start a fight with you. you would rather have me be an asshole, a jerk, a monster to you. i suppose that would make it easier, possibly for both of us, wouldn’t it? but you’re forgetting one thing, one very important thing. if we go to war with each other, the children get stuck in the cross fire. i’m not going to permit that. i am not going to go down that road.

so if that means i need to be on the receiving end of your snide, demeaning, mean or vindictive commentary, so be it. i’ve been able to survive long enough in that environment, i can continue to survive a bit longer.

empathy?

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.

progress of sorts

i wrote you a long letter spelling out everything because talking to you about it was getting nowhere. every time i started, one of us would start to get emotional and then it just would no longer be productive. but then last night we managed to talk a little bit and, for the most part, keep our heads.

i am really encouraged by the steps forward you seem to have taken. i know this is a bit of a nightmare and for you it is very sudden, like a bomb going off in your hands, but you have to understand that for me, this is not a bomb, but a slowly simmering fire that has been burning for years now. i’m sorry if i seem less affected, i assure you i am just as invested as you are, i have just built up a few more defenses against the hurt.

there is still so much more to do, i do not expect it to happen over night, but if we can keep inching forward, i think we can both get to a place where we can start healing soon enough.

i am glad that we agree the next step is to sit down and crunch some numbers so we can have a bit of a game plan and then talk to the kids. i know we can do this.