gravitational pull

when i started this blog, there were a few things that kind of reached a tipping point for me. self esteem i suspect plays a role in them all, which is weird in a way because i never really considered myself to have a problem in that regard. upon much reflection, i’m starting to think maybe i do?

in any case, one of the things i don’t like about myself, and haven’t for a long time, is my weight. i know i am not morbidly obese or anything like that, but i definitely have a “beer belly” going on, and it bothers me. wearing certain clothing makes me self conscious, taking off my shirt when i go swimming makes me feel embarrassed, hell even walking around the house without a shirt on in front of my own family gives me icky feelings about myself.

so, an easily identified problem, which i know how to fix, is being worked on. one month ago i weighed 267 lbs. probably the heaviest i have ever been. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. but i can fix this.

first step is identifying what constitutes success? that’s a tricky one, because i’m not really sure. i of course have done a bit of research, but a lot of what i found seems a little disconnected from reality. for example:

at 167, i think i would probably look like a fucking skeleton. that doesn’t at ALL sound healthy to me.

various other sources indicated anywhere from 150 to 210 as ideal weight for my age and height. i think 210 might be achievable, but i think that’s more of a stretch goal. realistically, i think i would be happy at 225. more than happy, in fact. so, success is 225 lbs and i am giving myself 6 months to get there and remain stable. basically by 2025.

now, how am i doing this? what’s the plan? the answer is science of course! calories in < calories out. my basal metabolic rate i’ve estimated to be about 2100. on a day where i practice drumming for an hour or two, that gives me an extra 1000. mow the lawn, an extra 500 or so. doing my regular errands on saturday morning an extra 400, give or take. etc, etc, etc…

so, if i reduce my caloric intake as a function of my caloric expenditure, then i will lose weight. easy peasy.

i’ve been doing this for a month now, and as of this morning i am down to 251. that’s fucking HUGE. maybe even too much at once, i don’t know, i’m not an expert of course. either way, a win is a win.

shut up brain

overthinking is annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s even debilitating at times. it ruins things. it sucks the life out of simple pleasures. it’s an unnecessary distraction. no, it’s unnecessary, full stop. it sabotages. it’s contagious. it causes problems where there are none. it invents excuses and fosters procrastination. it’s bullshit.

and for what? to save my poor little heart from some imaginary injury that will likely never happen? to protect me from some unforeseen problem that i am already well equipped to face? to help me be prepared for a million possible outcomes which are impossible to predict with any kind of accuracy?

i don’t need, nor do i want this. so, shut up brain, you’re being a bit of a dick.

explorer final update

i think i kind of hate it.

oh well, live and learn i suppose. it doesn’t sound awful at least. definitely needs some more setup, but since moving it in from the hot and humid garage back into my cool, air conditioned office, the neck is going all wonky. so before i crank on that truss rod any further, i’m gonna let it chill for a couple days.

i guess on the plus side, the tuners i got are fucking great. and the pickups this thing came with, although not spectacular or anything, are perfectly serviceable. pots and switch are kinda junk, but whatever.

here’s what it sounds like out the spark in my office into the blue snowball. the last time i played this song is when i had my first explorer i think, so please, forgive the shoddy playing, i’m surprised i actually remembered the chords 😛

edit: so after playing around on this guitar all afternoon, making little adjustments here and there, it actually plays pretty good. gave me an idea for a song too, so maybe i don’t hate it THAT much. i’m not sure if i am accidentally copying something though, and of course this is not finished at all, just a rough idea at this point.

<insert title here>

today was spent scrubbing, cleaning, disinfecting, resupplying, mowing, and then finally discussing a million different things with c until way too late.

once everything was done, and the house went quiet, i worked on the explorer a bit more. i hate it. i really really hate it. the finish did not turn out how i had hoped. quite a bit worse actually. but at this point, unless i decide to strip the paint down completely and redo it, i’ve got no other options. i’m not going to strip the paint down and redo it. at least not right now.

so the build continues. all the hardware is mounted, hand tight. I have to go over it all again and make sure there were no mistakes and that everything works, but that will be a problem for not tonight. unless i did something catastrophically wrong with the wiring, I suppose it should come to life tomorrow. i’ll record something and throw it up here unless it’s a total fail. in which case, we shall never speak of this guitar again.

though out the day today, k was exceptionally… affectionate? i’m not complaining, but i am a little suspicious of why all of a sudden. i suspect it has to do with me lending her my car all week next week while hers is in the shop, and me immediately paying for the rental car she had last week when i saw she was stressing about the money. is that my value? is that my worth? am i being too cynical? i don’t know. maybe i’m being overly sensitive.

gross

today will be spent cleaning up. i am already wrecked. i was up till 1:30 filling buckets of shit water and ferrying them out the front door. everything hurts.

that said, i got a text from t, he spend the night helping his inlaws who had a solid foot of water in their completely finished and pretty swanky basement. he sent me a couple pics… holy crap, heartbreaking.

y also texted last night, cancelling band today, he has 4 inches of water in his basement too.

so i guess in the end, it’s kind of a blessing that i caught the shower drain here as it happened. had i not spent last night filling buckets over and over for 4-5 hours, it could have been soooooo much worse.

it smells like shit down here.

buy a house they said…

  • basement leak? check.
  • second basement leak? check.
  • third basement leak? check.
  • FOURTH BASEMENT LEAK? check.
  • RoOf LeAkInG?!?!?! check.

god dammit, just when things were looking up, this has to happen? honestly, i’m just waiting for the icing on the cake here… any moment now i’m sure fucking poo water is going to start backing up through the basement shower drain.

the basement leaks are nothing new, but it’s usually just a little puddle here and there. this time it’s almost a steady stream of water coming in from 4 different places at once. and of course my basement has that stupid industrial carpet that’s glued to the concrete. extra fun times!

the roof leaking is actually less worrisome… the way this house was made, there is a section of soffit that has another roof right below it and when the wind is blowing in a certain direction it ends up forcing the rain into that soffit. so, less of a leak, and more of a design flaw of the house itself. either way, it’s causing a mess.

this evening appears like it will be spent placing towels on the floor to sop up the water, then throwing them in the washer and dryer, grab new towels and then repeat the process until i fall asleep.

so you’re damn right i’m high right now.

edit: and i just spent the last several hours cleaning poo water backing up from shower drain. i’m definitely going to end up with pinkeye or something from this.

new friends?

jeez louise! so… i tried the whole make new friends on reddit and wow, i was NOT expecting what happened next. i was fully expecting maybe one or two replies. TOPS. and i expected 100% to be garbage/spam. but noooo… i got 15 replies within the first like 6 hours. holy crap! i cannot manage 15 conversations at once!

all is not lost though, there are 2 people who replied that i actually think i might enjoy talking to. one of which is a veteran redditor, nearly as seasoned as me, so they understand the lore. which is fucking amazing. no one else gets it when i ask what a potato is, or gag at the mention of a jolly rancher. they do. so that’s kind of fun. haven’t chatted too much yet, so we’ll see how it goes. other than reddit memes i’m not sure we have that much in common though.

the other person seems to be a little bit more like minded. definitely when it comes to music, cars, pets, work and sense of humor. had a good long chat tonight. felt good. i’m happy with this. i hope it continues. a small part of me worries it’s fake. you know what they say about things that seem too good to be true…

i have a bunch of others completely unread still, i am going to have to sort through that tomorrow.

and for once, i think i am actually tired at a semi reasonable hour? wild.

listen – your deep rest

listening to the hotelier today. i’ve heard them a few times before here and there, but never really paid attention. both the youtube algorithm and a new friend are now recommending them, so this will be my background today.

got some other musical recommendations yesterday from k8 too, with the possibility of more to come. i’m looking forward to it!

there’s more i need to say, but today is one of those days that i am booked all damn day, even through lunch. and then after work i am booked too… so it’s going to have to wait. ok, lets do this, big day. go go go.

lemonade

as i woke up this morning my head was filled with new ideas and thoughts. not sure if i just slept well, or if i had some kind of inspirational dreams that i immediately forgot or what, but it’s a welcome change from the usual dread i have felt for a while now.

first things first, i need to start making lemonade, it’s not going to make itself. i have to turn some things around, and i think that has to start with my general outlook on things. for a long while now i have been hyper focused on the negative, i have to broaden my view. not everything is bad, not everything is doom and gloom, not everything is hopeless. no one is going to save me, so i have to make things better myself. i will fail, i will fuck up, i will make mistakes. that’s ok. i can learn from that. besides, there ARE good things in my life. i need to acknowledge and celebrate those things more.

next, i think i have put WAY too many expectations on a certain individual, and it is completely unfair of me to have done so. i don’t know if it’s just being too busy, if it’s disinterest, or something else entirely, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. i am owed quite literally nothing, and i can’t expect anything more than that, no matter how much i might want it. what exists currently is too precious to me to risk spoiling again. i am happy just knowing that there is some form of dialogue after all these years, and that has to be good enough. no, that *is* good enough. i regret the long silence, i regret the way in which i broke the silence, but i do NOT regret breaking the silence at all. i know you’re going to read this and i hope you don’t take my words the wrong way.

all that said, i clearly need to fucking talk. a lot. and frequently. this place helps, but it’s an echo chamber. i need more than that. i need dialogue. i need new ideas. i need some kind of tether to reality. i need distraction, i need to compare notes, i need to have some kind of symbiotic accountability feedback loop that works both ways. i am talking to a therapist now, but that’s once a week, it’s very one sided and honestly, i’m still not convinced this is for me. as far as other friends, j is too emotionally stunted, g is a ghost, e is too close, k is… well… that’s a whole other thing, t looks up to me too much. it seems i don’t have many good options at my disposal currently. perhaps i need to find someone else? i think? maybe? i know there are entire subreddits dedicated to making new friends, maybe i can start there? if nothing else, it might be entertaining for a short while.

at home i need to redouble my efforts. it doesn’t matter if there isn’t any kind of reciprocity. i need to do it for me. i need to prove to myself that i am the person i think i am, that i know i am. i need to swallow my pride, i need to show the example. it’s my job to fix this because no one else will.

lastly, i think i have been too hard on myself. i’ve been told that by a few people lately, and maybe i need to listen. this one is going to be difficult to overcome though. my go-to for as long as i can remember is self deprecation. if i can shit on myself before anyone else has an opportunity, then they are less likely to do so themselves. it’s manipulative and it’s cowardly. that’s not who i am. i’m better than that.